Time together as a couple

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Dh and I spend absolutely no time together as a couple.

We seem to have differing opinions on parenting, finances, everything really and I worry that we will drift apart if we don't actually sort this out now.

Childcare is difficult but just manageable now that I have found a babysitter who can look after dd2 so we could probably manage to go out for a couple of hours very occasionally.

Where would be a good starting point/place to go? Things are awkward but I really want to sort this out. It sounds stupid but I really don't know what to do?

What did you both enjoy doing together before the the children??
May be taking a trip down memory lane, going somewhere you both enjoyed pre-kids??
We don't get out often but try on a Friday or Saturday to have a nice meal, some wine and turn the tele off.

That's the problem, didnt actually do much before having dcs

After a couple of months I was expecting dc1, had a late mc then 3 months later was pregnant again and went on to have four dcs. I'm not sure we have much in common!

I really want to salvage things before its too late. Have had a lot if problems lately. Working through things but its the relationship bit that I'm struggling with.
Its a huge deal getting all dcs looked after but I think its worth it as if dh and I were getting on better I think it would help everything.

Maybe going for a coffee the first time would be somewhere to start? I'm not sure. All we talk about is dcs we need to spend time as a couple but just not sure what to do.

I have a similar back story - I found getting to know one another again was a good start. Like starting over with an imaginary clean slate. Doesn't solve everything, of course, but it's an aid to communication, which is fundamental, ime.

What did you and DH like about each other when you first met? Did you dance, go out, walk the dog, go to parks or museums, do an activity that you both enjoyed?

DH and I had this problem, and we had to really think about what we liked about each other in the first place and build on that, even talking about it rather than doing it can help you re-connect. Even if it's going out for coffee without DC's for half an hour together, it's a start.

Think about what made you a couple, rather than as the two of you as parents.

Coffee sounds like a great idea. You could always people watch then if there's ice to be broken.

Share a cake. Enjoy the calm.

If I were not completely incredulous at the idea that I might ever, ever be able to have a romantic relationship ever, ever again, I think coffee would be a lovely way to reconnect with very little pressure. I think that's sincere 'romance' and I wish you luck.

Well, what do you like doing yourself or with friends? That would be a starting point. I'm thinking less "dates" and more everyday stuff would be helpful because it's about building the connection between you as a couple without it becoming a chore or being too difficult to fit into a routine. Although perhaps both could be good?

Some ideas for stuff to do together at home - some of these will sound dull as dishwater so just ideas, pick one which appeals to you or make up another one.
Start watching a new TV series you both like (or an old one you both like),
Play board games or video games competitively - even facebook games like the scrabble ones etc. Or some video games have a co-operative mode.
Go through every room of the house and fantasy decorate it. Then do it, as far as budget and time allow - be creative and play to each others' strengths.
Both read a book and then discuss the story.
Go through your family photos and see which ones you want to put into albums etc. Talk about the days and what you remember.
Cook a new meal and turn off all TV, phones, lights etc, eat at the table with a candle like a restaurant.
Have a bath together.
Talk about your future, dreams, hopes, wishes, see what you actually want to achieve/do in life and see if you can make plans to work towards it.
Learn a new skill together? DH and I are doing Duolingo currently and we have hilarious conversations in terrible German together.
Do you ever show each other stuff you read, articles, emails, funny MN threads for example?
If sex isn't a total bad topic to go down, a kind of exploratory massage/game where you set limits or rules on the amount of sexual contact you're allowed to have is interesting for discovering what makes you tick which isn't necessarily obvious.

I reckon it would be worth setting aside 1-3 evenings a week for a couple of hours to be "couple time" where you ban all talk about the DCs (you can probably find good "date questions" or icebreaker questions online if you do find you're struggling for things to say) and just spend time together as a couple doing something specific or just being in each others' company. Getting out of the house to go on dates as well would be good to give you a total change of scenery and a break from family life to actually see each other but I think the important thing is little and often and that's not going to be possible where babysitting is an issue.

Ultimately I think you need to decide (together) if it's actually worth it - if you don't actually have anything in common then you don't really have a relationship - would you not be better off as amicable co-parents than miserable and lonely and feeling stuck with each other? I do think it's worth seeing if you can build that relationship since it's obvious that you've never really had a chance to as DCs have always been in the way, but remember after they leave home it will just be you and him. It's not worth settling.

Before we had dcs we (if I remember correctly) went for a meal once, to the cinema once and the pub twice, a disastrous walk (I got stuck in knee deep mud,cried, scared his dog and had to be rescued) and that was it!

I think I will start by suggesting a coffee and see how we go!

DP and I play scrabble and sudoku together, go to the cinema or choose a DVD from Blockbuster (although I think they've all closed down now! But maybe browse the DVDs at the supermarket) and choose a nice meal/snacks together.

A walk is nice because you're together but if you don't have much to talk about it doesn't really matter.

We also read books and talk about them, draw and paint (this tends to be with the DCs, but we have been known to do it without them!) and of course there are lots of other fun things you can do when the DCs aren't around to get close to each other

Or how about a shared sports thing - like tennis lessons together? Or a night class together - pottery or a language. Just try it for a few weeks. It'll give you something in common.

Or netflix is good instead of blockbuster's - you can get a free trial for a month to see if you like it :)

Pink I was going to suggest a class but I think the issue is babysitting.

Watching a film could be an idea (if dcs stay asleep!), will def go for coffee and maybe at some point further down the line a meal.

As for anything else, well, that hasn't happened in ages! Will take a while I think to approach that particular problem.

What happened to the dog?

If it's still with you, you could draw up a list of new and innovative ways to scare it. Perhaps over coffee?

Sort of:

Dress children in cat costumes at all times, with bells round necks.

Get menacing Latvian postman to bite it's left foreleg

Make it watch that scene in Jaws where the dog DOES NOT MAKE IT BACK TO THE BEACH on repeat

Talk to it only in Swedish for 48 hours

But it a bowl so large it can't reach the top (that might be torment rather than fear)

That sort of thing. If the dog IS still with you. How, exactly, did you scare it?

Poor dog has been gone for years.

He was a bit neglected, was mil dog when I first knew dh, mil never walked him so I decided in my wisdom that we would. Dog loved it until I got completely stuck in a huge patch of sticky mud. I sank knee deep and panicked (I was 18 and thought I'd die in quick mud!) I got hysterical which upset the dog. Was a complete disaster.

Not that much of a disaster. He married you and you sound adorable.

I think you should go for coffee and talk about the whole dog thing. You'll blush and cover your face. He'll look at you and see the funny, sweet gorgeous 18 year old you were at the same time as valuing the wonderful woman, wife and mother to his children you've grown into.

Then you should get a dog.

Seriously, when my loves fail, I want nothing more than for other's to bloom.

No pressure, like, but a little spaniel or something. And his and her's wellies. For Valentine's....

Dh and I have gradually clawed back some time together as the DCs have got older. We have coffee and breakfast in town together every sat morning and just normally talk about work and the Dcs so nothing earth shattering but I really miss it if we don't go.

My friend does "book club" with her dp. It made me laugh but it's what works for them. They go to the local have some chips and a pint and discuss the book. They've read some "sexy" ones since they started doing it. I don't know what the outcome was. Sensibly I wasn't given that information but she seems happier since they started doing this. Obviously I don't know the whole story and there have probably been other changes but a good idea if you can't get out often. You don't have to get out to do it and all the time spent reading is sort of a commitment to the end discussion. If that makes sense....

DH and I love to go get fish and chips and sit eating them sat in the car at the beach with Absolute Radio 90's on.

Time together doesn't have to be expensive or anything special.

Find a way to do something active together. Tennis lessons is a good idea.

DH and I have dinner out every couple of months. I feel so much more love for him when I've actually had time with him, and just him. It's very important.

Hiya Hedgehog.In light of your previous posts how about him giving you driving lessons or would that be too stressful?