Issue with MIL - could do with some advice

[tertle]

Hello all,

Have a bit of an issue with my ILs (mainly MIL) and don't really know how to advance.

To set the scene, my mum died almost a year ago. It was extremely sudden and I didn't even make it to the hospital in time to see her before she died. It's been a very hard year and I miss my mum terribly as we were very close.

Rightly or wrongly my husband and I decided to continue with our plans to TTC last year. For several reasons I wasn't hopeful of getting pregnant quickly so was quite surprised when I found out I was pregnant last July. I'm now 34 weeks. I am delighted and I can't wait to become a mum but I have found my pregnancy very hard emotionally without the support of my own mum.

To get to the real issue; I have found my inlaws extremely suffocating throughout the whole of my pregnancy and it's beginning to cause me some stress. They are absolutely over the moon about becoming grandparents for the first time and can talk of nothing else. Now, there is nothing wrong with this and obviously it could be a lot worse but I find it so overwhelming and I can't share their joy with them. My MIL is especially wearing as all she can express is her own happiness and excitement about becoming a grandmother. The closer I approach my due date and the more my MIL goes into overdrive (baby bedroom in their house has been prepared, packages of baby clothes have been delivered to our house and the constant 'I can't wait, I can't wait') means I feel nothing but resentment for her. All I can think about is how unfair it is that my Mum is missing out. Of course that's hardly her fault but not once during the whole pregnancy have my inlaws asked me how I might feel about becoming a mum without my own mum. They have just brushed her death under the carpet and carry on as though nothing matters because they are the only grandparents who count. I feel as though she is completely forgotten.

To make matters worse, my Dad (who I do love dearly and we are close) is not really ready to accept being a grandparent and has shown no interest in my pregnancy whatsoever. And my sister, who is indeed very supportive of me, is not baby orientated at all. I don't resent either of them for their feelings but I feel sad that I can't share my pregnancy with them. So on my side of the family I feel as though I am very much alone in my pregnancy and on my husband's, it's to the other extreme.

My husband is great about my feelings regarding my mother and has been very supportive but he can't see why I can't embrace his mother's excitement and let her in. He keeps telling me that his mum can't think about anything else; can't wait to have the baby whilst we're away for weekends and is already excited about her first grandchild's first Christmas etc. all whilst I reel back in horror!

Deep down I know that I should be more accepting of my MIL and her excitement. But I just can't bring myself to do it. At the same time, I think my MIL should be a bit more understanding of my feelings, much less intense and that she could stop to think from time to time that this baby isn't just about her becoming a grandmother. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks for reading.

Why not tell your MIL how you feel? She may just be getting carried away but it could also be that she feels she has to overcompensate knowing that you lost your Mum. She can't understand your feelings if you don't tell her what your feelings are.

Have you tried talking to her about it? They might be avoiding talking about your mum because they don't want to upset you further. Next time mil says how excited she is you could mention how your mum would have been over the moon too,see how she responds?

So sorry for the loss of your Mum.

I think you are being a little unfair. Your family aren't as excited as you'd like them to be but your DH's family are very excited and really looking forward to the new arrival. That's as it should be. But you don't want them to be because your Mum isn't here.

That seems a bit unreasonable.

My gut reaction was also that she's trying to be hyper cheery to support you in her own (insensitive) way. Trying to take your mind off it IYSWIM?

Is she approachable? When she was on a roll, if you just said out loud 'it is great, but I really wish my mum was here to celebrate with us' how do you think she'd react?

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be a constant reminder to hear your MIL going on about becoming a grandmother.

I have tried to speak to her about it but all she says is 'I understand, I understand' - which I find it hard believe as she hasn't lost anyone in her family. She isn't a very good listener to be honest.

Morgause - thanks for the kind words re my mum. However wrt my MIL I wasn't asking if I am being unreasonable as I know I am. But I can't help my feelings. I was just wondering if anyone had been in similar situations... There is probably no real advice anyone can offer and I just need to work these issues out in my own head.

I can relate to some of what you are saying, my DM died nearly 2 years ago, very suddenly, and like you I never got to say goodbye. My dd at the time was 2 and a half, so doesn't really remember my mum, who loved my daughter dearly.
MIL on the other hand has never massively been involved with dd, and I find myself feeling resentful that she gets to spend time with dd and that my mum never will now.

However, the rational part of me knows that MIL does love dd and her being around dd is a good thing. I still have times where dd is doing something new, like starting school, and I want to sob with the unfairness of my mum not being here to see her.

I think you are still grieving, understandably, and this is blocking your ability to allow your MIL "in", to enjoy the excitement of your pregnancy, because your DM isn't there to enjoy it too.

Were you close to your MIL prior to the pregnancy? Can you try to talk to her and explain how you're feeling? Maybe being honest and letting her/them know that it's all too much, without being hurtful, is the thing to do.
It's lovely that they are excited but it sounds quite claustrophobic and intense at times, even without the grief to bear, it sounds too much.

it sounds like your husband isnt helping too much. Can you ask him (or use the excuse of preg hormones to get all emotional askign him :D ) to back off?

Any new mother needs space and quietness for a while and over-exited in laws or parents must be really intrusive.

I do think it sounds like you and he need to set firm boundaries. That is really important to prevent long term resentment.

Perhaps he can speak to them, once he really gets how difficult it is for you, and ask them to restrain their enthusiasm a bit. Not cut it out, just keep it a bit out of your face. There's nothing wrong either in sayign something like you are really misisng your own mum, much as you're glad that they are there.

Can understand any grandparents going OTT with their first grandchild, a small word now might save a lot of lingering resentment later.

Well I know this isn't AIBU but anyway, I dont think you are BU at all. Your feelings are valid and understandable.

Not only are you grieving, you are facing an enormous life change and need the time and space to process that without having to deal with other peoples perceptions and demands. I agree with Meerka, you need to set boundaries now because they will end up walking all over you.

When my first was born I really resented anyone holding him. Hormonal much! But my feelings were totally disregarded and it caused me a lot of problems.

As for having the baby while you are away for weekends? Were you consulted about that? Once the baby is here you might find that weekends away from him/her will be the last thing you want.

I am wondering if your MIL is trying to give you two times a grandmother's love in order to try to 'make up' for your loss but there is no making up for your loss.

It doesn't sound like you've had much space in which to grieve. Everyone seems to want you to carry on as normal. Perhaps you might consider talking to a bereavement counsellor about your feelings - provide some space for them and let some air into it. You need to do something just for you.

If you are strong enough and feel moved to do so, fondly reminisce about her from time to time. Don't hold back for fear of upsetting other people. She's your mum and should be honoured because you love her. Even if the rest of your family are refusing to talk about their bereavement or your pregnancy, it might eventually make it easier for them if it becomes normal to have a place for her in your ordinary conversations.

Have you made a memory box or a book for your child to look at when they get older? I was always interested in my grandparents even though I only knew one of them.

If you can get some support, you may then feel able to deal with your MIL's strong emotions without feeling like she should back off.

Actually I wish I could delete "without feeling like she should back off" because what you decided to do would be up to you.

Is it just me that thinks the fact that MIL has a baby room, clothes in her own house, just bloody weird! MIL is not having the baby OP is. I would find that overbearing.

OP you need to set the tone now, build those boundries. Do what you think is right for you and your family.

On the positive they care but tread carefully, I wonder if they wont like being told No and react badly.

I am sorry for your loss too littlemefi. To answer your question, I have never been really close to MIL and as I said, she isn't very good at listening. Only hearing what she wants to hear. Which does make talking about my feelings more difficult.

Meerka maybe I will discuss it with my husband. He can see that I am quite down at the moment so hopefully he will be able to help. And you and myroom are both right, I do need to try to set some boundaries with the ILs. Luckily they live far away so we won't have them popping over unannounced or anything and this is also why I'm not too bothered about the baby room at their house.

I think I do need to take more time to grieve and perhaps some counselling could help. I will try talking more about my mum with my ILs too. The memory box is a really nice idea. I want my baby to know about his/her grandmother even though he won't have ever met her.

I think your own boundaries with regards to the ILs need to be raised a lot higher now.

I sincerely hope that you do not have the type of MIL who will want to play mummy again with your baby - she has had her turn and you and DH will need to put her in her place if she does that.

Your DH's primary loyalty is or should be now to his own family unit i.e you and his child. Not them. I hope he is himself strong enough to be able to stand up to his mother if she becomes overbearing. Your MIL not being able to listen to you could well become another source of friction that could worsen over time so I would be very careful in your dealings with your ILs; tread carefully.

With regards to counselling you may now want to contact CRUSE as they do good work with the bereaved.

I also think a memory box for your late mother is a fab idea.

Tertle, I am so sorry for your loss too, my mum was a great support during my pregnancy, I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you to be going through your pregnancy without your mum.

I agree with other posters re setting boundaries with IL's too, your baby, your rules. My parents didn't have dd on their own overnight til she was about 1, I was breast feeding and also didn't feel ready to leave her til then.

I also talk to dd all the time about my mum, sing the lullabies my mum would sing to her, have photos up of her etc.

I fing myself saying things to dd that my mum would have said too, that helps me feel my mum is still with us in some way.

The memory box is a great idea, I wear a necklace most days that my mum wore all the time, and dd knows it was granny's and will be hers some day.

My MIL lived some way away too and ended up staying with us for every single holiday! Yep. Every Single Holiday. :(

I am so sad that my kids are now adults because I wont get that time again, but I am equally glad I don't have these problems any more.

My mum died 3 years ago and it still breaks my heart that she never got to meet my son or that he never got his grandmother. I have had grief counselling for 3 years and am about to terminate this now in the next month. It sounds to me that this is not really about your Mil but about your grief over your mum with pregnancy hormones added on. I cried about so many things when I was pregnant and hormonal (the ducklings in the park, because what if the foxes get them? I would really recommend seeing a therapist if you can. There is something called pre natal depression as well...

It's a good idea trying to do things that my mum would have done. I have actually bought a teddy that I know my mum would have chosen if she were alive.

penny I'm sorry for your loss too. You're right, the issue is more down to my own grief. My MiL's lack of understanding / insensitive attempts to compensate for my mum just make teamed with my dad's lack of interest just intensify my sadness.

You miss your mum and your MIL's hyper-enthusiasm is only serving to remind you of what your mum is missing out on. As if to rub this in further your own family don't seem to be taking much interest. I can't think of anything more guaranteed to make you miss your mum than having a child of your own. And by the same token from your MIL's point of view I can think of few things more exciting than your much-loved child having a child of their own. This is bound to be a difficult time for you and I have no idea what your relationship with your MIL is like under normal circumstances. I will say this - there is nothing insidious about a grandparent preparing a nursery for their grand child if they have the space. You are under no obligation to leave your dc there, but how nice to have the option. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that her actions are coming from a good place. She will never replace your mum, but isn't it reassuring to know that your doc will have one doting grandparent? I also think the previous poster's suggestion about making a memory box about your mum is a brilliant idea.

Perhaps your mil is overcompensating a bit? Not really being a good listener as you state or not really knowing how else to handle you as you grieve for your mum? I really sympathise with you as it must be so hard. I think that your mil means well and as you say it's something that you need to work out in your own head. It's not going to go away as once baby arrives your mil will fall in love and you will be thinking how unfair it is that your mum doesn't get to meet the baby. Thought of grief counselling? X

You have had great advice on this thread. FWIW I think your MIL would have been like this in any event, whether or not your DM was around for you. Please set your boundaries now. This is your baby, not hers. I think the idea if a baby's room at her house is bonkers, frankly. You should do what you want.
Good luck!

I really don't get why it is considered so odd for a grandparent to make a room for their grandchild - especially if that grandchild lives far away. I lived abroad for many years when my doc were little and they had rooms at both grandparents' houses. I found it an absolute godsend to have somewhere for them to have a nap in a lovely calm environment and the GPs would put up photos of all their grandchildren and make it a really nice place. I think it would be much worse to go and visit and find no effort had been made at all and no concession that life had changed.

Really sorry for your loss - it's such a devastating thing to happen. I lost my mum 5 years ago and I know that I was very resentful and angry about the loss of her for a very long time. It was particularly bad after I had ds2 18 months after she died. I felt very angry that she couldn't be part of his life - not reasonable but it was how I felt - perhaps that is at the root of your issues with mil?

Perhaps DH can tell her to back off and give you a bit of space?

Fwiw my ds is named after my mum so is a very positive reminder of her in our lives.

I think you need to tell her very clearly. Who knows what your MIL would be like even if your Mum was still about. She may just be a typical gushy granny to be.

I think you need to spell it out clearly to her and let her know that you are having a hard time. I also think your DH needs to help out. Perhaps you can show him this thread?

I feel very for you, it must be so difficult to have lost your Mum. .
Good luck with everything.