Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found the perfect man, but...

68 replies

LizzieBelle · 29/01/2014 16:02

Well, where do I start? I met a truly lovely kind sweet guy (P) who was in a marriage but separated, and has been for a few years. He's also in the process of moving out to a flat which is taking time.

I don't normally go after married men, but I took him at face value and chose to believe what he said to me. Please don't judge me just yet, his wife is fully aware that he sees me. I pursued P and we went out a couple of times before having a boozy night out, when he asked me what I wanted from him. I told him straight, that I liked him and was prepared to only see him once or twice a month if that was all he could manage. That night we had our first kiss. He feels guilty that he has a family and wife even though they are apart and he is moving away. He leads a separate life from his family in the fact that he goes on holidays and has Sunday lunch at each parents house etc, but also has holidays and W/E's alone. I ask him about going away with him and he says he can't do that.

This has been going on for 9 months now, and it is a platonic relationship apart from kissing. I give him lots of space, and don't enquire about family matters, I just want to make the little time we have nice when we are together. Last time I saw him after New Year, he asked me if 'I had met anyone nice'!! WTF! No. I said, I'm with you...

So, I have been getting down about the whole situation and not seeing a 'perfect end'. I recently cancelled a lunch date (his wife doesn't like him seeing me in the evening, and we respect that wish) and I am trying to act cooler towards him...so why, now I have backed off, HE is the one wanting to see me more, yet when I want more he backs away!!

I just don't get men. What do you think I should do...Please don't flame me...I just want to be in a loving relationship, but not at all costs

OP posts:
MrsCosmopilite · 29/01/2014 16:06

I'm not convinced by his version of things, sorry.

SirRaymondClench · 29/01/2014 16:06

So is he separated or not?

akawisey · 29/01/2014 16:07

Bin. Then vastly improve your boundaries and work on your naivety.

Chyochan · 29/01/2014 16:09

This is your perfect man?

I know Im fucked up but even I would not accept this.

How do you know his wife knows about you?

GiniCooper · 29/01/2014 16:09

He's not separated.

He's keeping his options open with you.

Jan45 · 29/01/2014 16:14

I would doubt very much that he in fact separated in the true sense of the word, you sound like a distraction and nothing else.

How you can think this is the perfect man is beyond my comprehension, he isn't.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/01/2014 16:15

I just want to be in a loving relationship, but not at all costs
But this is NOT a loving relationship.
Bin this waste of space and find yourself and be happy in yourself.
Then you can go out and find someone who wants to be with you and love you and doesn't have his wife to answer too.!
Seriously, this is not right.
Run for the hills... they are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Purplegirly · 29/01/2014 16:17

How do you know his wife knows? Has he told you? I would not believe a word he says.

Blushingm · 29/01/2014 16:20

This sounds exactly like a friend of mine - even down to the initial!!!

Would you divulge what rough area of the country you're in?

AllThatGlistens · 29/01/2014 16:22

Wtf? Have you not wondered why his wife doesn't like him seeing you in the evenings.. if they're separated ??

itwillgetbettersoon · 29/01/2014 16:29

You have become the ow by the sounds of it. You deserve better. If he is your ideal man tell him you will see him again when he is divorced.

Viviennemary · 29/01/2014 16:34

Of course he is not separated from his wife by most people's understanding of separated couples. I agree. Tell him to come back when his divorce has gone through.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 29/01/2014 16:36

I'm sorry but if he's separated then I'm the Queen of Sheba. He'll drop you like a hot brick the minute his wife finds out. Do yourself a favour and move on.

Logg1e · 29/01/2014 16:36

OP, I am trying to act cooler towards him...so why, now I have backed off, HE is the one wanting to see me more, yet when I want more he backs away!!

Yeah, it's odd isn't it? Almost as though he's playing games with you and doesn't have any respect for you.

OP, what part of this is "ideal"?

teaandthorazine · 29/01/2014 16:37

What do we think you should do? Accept the fact that he is probably not even separated, for a start?

This is an absolute dead end. Bin him. If he is your 'perfect man' I dread to think what rubbish you've put up with before.

HandragsNGladbags · 29/01/2014 16:37

You are not the OW because you are not having a relationship!

He doesn't want to be with you particularly from the sounds of it, and I also wouldn't believe the story about his wife.

Sorry I know that sounds mean, but he is asking you if you have met someone I think to let you know he doesn't see you as being together.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 29/01/2014 16:37

This is not a relationship!

You only see each other a couple times a month
You only kiss
He is married
He asks you if you've met anyone nice
He won't go on holiday or weekends away with you

He is NOT available, LizzieBelle! And the dance of backing away then wanting more when you are backing away will continue until the day you cut him off. Cold turkey. Completely.

You fill an emotional need of some kind for him, which is why he keeps you on a string, but not enough for him to ever, actually, have a bona fide relationship with you.

Cut and run. He may be lovely in many ways, but he is NOT partner material.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 29/01/2014 16:39

When exactly did he start moving into this flat, that is taking some time? Bet he never makes it to the flat and he is just stringing you along.

EdithWeston · 29/01/2014 16:39

There are sufficient inconsistencies in your account that I suspect he is not being truthful with you, but you have rationalised it to something you can stomach.

I agree that you should tell him to get on with moving out, and at you will only see him again when he has a place of his own and he, not his DW is choosing when he available to go out.

MirandaWest · 29/01/2014 16:40

He doesn't sound very separated to me.

My bf and I are both separated. It is nothing to do with the people we were married to what we do in the evenings.

rainbowfeet · 29/01/2014 16:40

Sounds like a man keeping his options open to me.. Do you know for sure that his wife does know about you or is this an elaborate string along?!

I would finish & look for a 100% single man if I were you.. He sounds like a recipe for heartbreak Hmm

Wuxiapian · 29/01/2014 16:42

He doesn't sound too serious about you.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 29/01/2014 16:47

' It's a platonic relationship apart from the kissing'

'I told him I'd happily only see him once or twice a month'

'His wife doesn't like me seeing him in the evening and we respect that'

'He asked me if I'd met anyone nice'

'I said no,I'm with you'

Umm,sorry to be harsh,but that sounds like there is no relationship.

He also very clearly acts like part of a full and proper family.Even down to family dinners at both parents on Sundays!!!Him having the occasional weekend away on his own does not show a single life.

It sounds to me as his he is still actually with his wife and I'm not sure what you are to him but there doesn't appear to be a relationship imo.

Walk away from whatever the heck it is and develop some confidence and self respect hun because you are going to be seriously hurt.

wannaBe · 29/01/2014 16:47

you're not in a relationship, if he asks if you've met anyone then tbh this is his way of telling you that you're not together.

fwiw I do kind of get the notion of not wanting to upset the wife even if they're separated and living in the same house, I separated from my xh about eight months before I actually moved out (waiting for house to go through etc), we were in separate bedrooms, had separated finances etc although I was still cooking etc for him, but I wouldn't have considered going out with other men during that time. He did sign up to a dating agency while I was still living in the house though, but didn't go on an actual date until after I'd moved out.

But if he really is separated then he will at least have an idea of where things are going in terms of his moving out, if he doesn't then I would be inclined to think the separated line is bollocks.

Original poster
LizzieBelle · 29/01/2014 16:48

Hi

Yes, I know. I agree with everything you all say. I guess I just needed to be told 20 times!

I am cutting free next week when I give him some old stuff of mine for the flat - it does exist, I have been there!

It is just so difficult to meet 'nice kind' men who are single, I am pro-active, and I guess my radar was askew when I met him - it's totally my fault, he did keep telling me that he wasn't right for me. Also, it was nice to go out for lunch etc.

I've been a fool, I know, and I'm not proud of it

OP posts: