How to ask dh to parent dsd/respect me?

[Doideservebetter]

Am a dm to my ds, 15, so have a fair bit of knowledge of the pitfalls of parenting teens. For example, I feel it is up to me to put ds straight when friendly banter between ds and dh veers into alpha male posturing and disrespectful remarks. Ds and I are close but dh is my partner.
Our couple counselor has been trying for a year to get dh to support me likewise with bis dsd, soon to be 17.
It depresses me at this stage (4 years together) that dh cannot see a connection between regular bouts of elevating his dd to partner status and her instant hostility towards me.
I realize dc may never get over their parents divorce (btw, 2 yrs before we met) but I was divorced lp with ds, too, and yet my constant tweaking of ds behaviour when called for creates harmony for dh, and his laziness/ inability/ unwillingness to do the same for me leaves me wide open to rudeness and power games.
Do I convince myself men are useless at parenting, detach and move on?
Do we continue to see counselor until I've turned to drink/ a lover/ LTB as dh is clearly unmoved?
Am asking this in relationships instead of step parenting as I feel its more about how dh values our marriage, or rather, doesn't.

Are you saying that.... stripping it down to the bare bones... if you tell DSD off for being a PITA he actively goes against you or undermines you? Or does he just stay out of it?

Personally, I think it is not for the birth parent to be referee between the step parent and DC (creating the harmony you describe) but that they should navigate that relationship themselves.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

You probably know it yourself, since it sounds like you had plenty of counselling, but you cannot make DH respect you/your relationship. No matter how lovingly you ask, this is up to him. I guess the fact his behaviour has not changed over the years tells you all you need to know. Divorce can hardly be considered DSD's carte blanche for rudeness, hard as it is to keep parental guilt at bay.

It must feel terribly demoralising not to feel valued.

Do - i really feel for you. I 've been in a similar position and lead to huge rows and a sort of seperation which we're still going throu.

I sadly have no dc, dp has ds 11yrs. My exdp (together 7yrs) had two ds so i've experienced the role of step-mum before. Dp is very/aggressively protective of his ds and allways defends him whatever the situation. I learnt very early on in the relationship to keep my feelings about dss behaviour to myself as i would be harshly reprimanded if i ever made a negative comment about dss. Dp worships ds, ds knows this abd refers to himself as emperor! Dp acts like a lover (non-sexual) in his adoration of ds. I was told on several occassions that i have to adjust my life round Dp, dss and the dog if i want to stay with dp. Ds even dictated the food we ate!

I think part of it was that Dp was lazy and would alkways seek the easiest way out, which was always giving into ds and his tears. If Ds cried then Dp would eventualy end up in tears, berate himself over being a crap dad and then give in to ds. Every time.

I managed to hold it together for a year before it all got to much, by then other issues had crept into the relationship, abd two months later it fell apart.

Yiu've managed 4yrs, so i think its still salvagable. Talk to him about it. Can you give him practical examples to demonstrate your feelings?

Your counsellor has been trying for a year to get him to support you.

So neither you nor an independent and unbiased third party are making him see that what he is doing is wrong.

He basically doesn't care as much for you as you do for him. He is happy with how things are, there is no need for him to change.

After four years and outside intervention nothing is going to change him if it hasn't already.

The only thing that may do is if you walk.

I hope you are not putting your son straight whenever your P may be at fault. There is a difference between teaching children right and wrong and always making them at fault when they are not.

Thank you all for your replies.
Some of them did make me gulp. Why is it we need to keep fooling ourselves when the situation is clearly toxic?
Specially the thoughts on the relationship between dh and ds made me think hard. Ds has regularly shown himself to be considerate and empathic. Dh has not. It is indeed quite remarkable how easily I get through to ds, a teen boy, in comparison to my adult PhD dh.
We have another counseling session tomorrow, and admittedly it is usually in the week leading up that a bit of soul searching makes me want to storm out of my marriage.
There are so many threads on the step parenting board telling stepmothers to detach from rude/ hostile dsc. I just can't help thinking now that it's their parents' negativity they pick up and mirror. Not so different from their possible acting out during original divorce.
Why would my dsd, who has always been looked after, listened to and indulged a bit, not unlike my own ds, turn on me? Trying to be Sherlock here, I have noticed that it happens like clockwork each time dh makes her feel "special", I.e. Treating her like a partner, not a daughter, and thus marginalizing me. Last week, after another little scene, she casually caressed dh hair before leaving, it was a quick movement that spoke volumes.
I feel horrible that I used to blame her for wanting to make me jealous, when it's obviously dh who wants to keep me off balance, for whatever mad reason.
Thanks again for replying. I'm very grateful for your thoughts.

Can I ask what he does when he "treats her like a partner". The example you give above (she caressed his hair) is that what you mean?

Or did she caress his hair pointedly to show you that she is closer to her dad than you are? Sorry if being a bit dim.

my DD (17) was lying leaning against me on the sofa last night and I was stroking her hair - that does not mean I am treating her like a partner!
your DH should make his DC feel 'special' - that is what a parent does,

If my partner asked me to stop making my daughter "feel special" because it "elevates her to partner status" then they'd be out on their ear.

And because my child tousled my hair briefly, I must have been playing some power game trying to "keep you off balance"? Sure, OK.

If this was a DH posting about how his DW is making her son feel special in some vague unspecified way, but apparently meaning that they have loving moments, and how can he ask her to stop because it makes him feel jealous and threatened, he would be eviscerated.

Sorry for apparent vagueness. Dsd was stroking dh hair, of the "territorial" kind...
Special? Of course we should make our children feel special, and even if parents are totally weird in their choice of showing affection, if the same tokens of affection are meted out to everybody, then fine. But if only one child (of 2 bio and 1 step, all within similar age range) receives attention, respect and, dare I say, obedience from one parent, then that is simply not on. I don't think I need go into detail concerning the expectations such a "golden child" has of the real world, but its quite astounding how angry she already gets at other adults (her teachers for example) who don't openly adore her.
My actual worry has already been addressed more than adequately above, I feel dh "parenting skills", dsd's behaviour and my growing anxiety all stem from the simple observation that dh doesn't love me as much as I love him.
Hopefully I'll be brave enough tomorrow to offer this insight at our session and be willing to take the consequence when it's confirmed.

"my constant tweaking of ds behaviour when called for creates harmony for dh, and his laziness/ inability/ unwillingness to do the same for me leaves me wide open to rudeness and power games"

But you're comparing apples and oranges. You're correcting bad behaviour from your DS (the disrespectful remarks) but you want him to correct normal/loving behaviour from his DD - this isn't the same thing.

I am sorry you sound distressed but your DH probably doesn't love you as much as he loves his DD.
I don't mean to sound cruel but that is normal I think.
I love my DDs more than my DH but in a different way (and yes, I still love my DH but my DDs come first).
It is natures way of ensuring we protect our young.

Hellsbells99, I totally hear you.
I love my ds to bits, that's why I feel that I also owe it to him to have positive relations with dh and the dsc.
I left his dad when he was 3 and I've encouraged regular stays at his dads and step mums house, and thankfully he loves his dad, warts and all.
I see him as balanced as a teen can be and he's actually thanked me for being "rational" and not putting him through the same shit as his step siblings have/had to endure.
Unfortunately, no matter what I say, what a seriously insightful therapist says, or countless books btw, dh seems incapable of adjusting his behaviour to make room for everybody in his heart at the same time.
As a previous poster noted, as soon as dsd is in the house all reason flies out the window. Why would he not have the same reason as me to behave like an adult in a loving adult relationship, giving security to his kids and modeling a marriage built on trust and intimacy?
What are his motives for skewering that marriage in front of dd? Especially when ds and dss (50:50) feel so at home and relaxed?
Btw, ds who gets on really well with dsd, called her on nasty behaviour himself when he had to witness it. It should have been her dad, ffs. Why didn't I react myself? I'm still stunned when it happens, I'm hurt she feels this way, I feel betrayed by dh who does nothing... I constantly empathise with her role as dsd... Then the moment is gone and I feel dejected and stupid.
Only once did dh make an effort, after counselor told him of the effects of his behaviour on dsd, difficulties in own relationships, using her body to get attention from men. She's actually a great girl with loads of potential, but dh only sees himself reflected in her eyes, not her. Its more than sad.