Toxic mother not leaving me alone

[theeverydaydancer]

I went NC with my parents last September (the BEST decision of my life!).

Every so often my mum sends me a text or even a letter. It might sometimes be something really innocuous (like nothing has happened...) such as a text to say she's come back from holiday. In a letter she sent me she had stated that I had demons and that I should just remember all the good stuff I have in my life i.e. that this NC thing was all my fault, because I'm clearly nuts and have "demons" and not feelings which are helping to protect me... I can't say anything to her which might be taken as "criticism" against her or something which would mean that perhaps she might have to CHANGE the way she interacts with me. She keeps saying that I used to be "nice" and that I'm not anymore and that she wants her old daughter back. (Her "old" daughter was someone who was extremely depressed, borderline alcoholic, change smoking, socially anxious, extremely withdrawn, very underachieving and very very unhappy - her new daughter is none of these things (Ok I still have a long way to go until I am completely happy with the way I am but I am a million times happier and better than what I was back then, and now I actually like myself a lot more...). To me that is not love if she would prefer me to be the old me rather than the new, happier, healthier me.

Talking to her is so frustrating, which is why I gave up and decided to walk away by going NC. She would deny everything - things that had happened, things said, even telling me I don't feel my own feelings! I just can't have a relationship like that anymore, one that is completely devoid of honesty, truth and trust. She refuses to acknowledge any of my feelings. She keeps contacting me thinking that we can just go back to how it always was and I can't do that right now. Her contacting me, even with these innocuous texts always make me feel so angry. She just doesn't listen. Today I got a text from her and I wanted to call her up and tell her that she never listens to me and will she please leave me alone, but I know this would be pointless as I know she won't listen to me telling her she doesn't listen. I'm trying to detach and distance myself.

Do you think she will get the picture eventually? Or will I have to move and change my number at some point...

What exactly did your mum do to you?

I'm a new member, I'm reading this thread because I was hoovered yesterday by my narcissistic mother, sister and grandmother.

I have over the years implemented the NC rule. Last year my Grandfather died. He was an enabler, and surely a victim of their abuse too but they knew I loved him. A weak spot. I was unable to see him when I was in NC and he gradually progressed into vascular dementia. I was glad that they got in contact with me (the only time I have ever been glad) because it meant I got to see him a few more times before he passed in August 2015. I am grateful for that but the stress of being back in touch with the family narcs on my mental health has been harsh. I knew at the time it was a cynical hoovering method and I kept myself completely emotionally detached from them. I didn't offer any real news about myself.

I stupidly allowed my brother (also a narc) back into my life as well and he deliberately caused a row by hurting my four year old DS and screaming at me for an hour and a half in front of him, to the point I had to call the police. Of course none of the narcs in the family accept that my brother did anything wrong and have taken his side. They don't care about my son at all, and how bad an effect it had on him (so bad he's having one to one support in school now). I sent a cease and desist letter to my mother and my brother following that, telling them to leave us alone.

I handled the fact that my evil sister sent my DD a birthday card for the first time in 5 years just so she can boast about her 'bump' (I already feel sorry for her kid and it hasn't even been born). However I found out that despite the cease and desist my narc mother texted her, and also did at Christmas. My DD is also my 'weak spot' and they know it, they've always spent energy trying to lure her away from me, threatened me with social services millions of times etc. My DD didn't tell me about the texts because she knew I'd be upset. She was right.

I stupidly drank too much wine, projected all my anger onto my husband and cried all night. This I am ashamed of. The problem is that when you are a victim of narcissistic abuse you are far more prone to depression and anxiety, the abuse chips away at my soul and makes me suicidal. I have a tendency to self-medicate and I am now going back for more psychiatric treatment, my doctor is calling me this afternoon and it's probably back to hospital for me. The one thing I am glad about is that I didn't take the bait. I didn't call them/email/text but instead I lost control and took it out on the people around me, which I am mortified about because that is MUCH worse than getting back in touch with the abusers. The narcs are literally driving me insane and I'm now really angry and ashamed at myself. My DH and DD forgive me, because they know how much this situation hurts me. The abusers will literally not be happy until I'm in a grave.

The narcissists can screw with your head so much that you literally cannot think straight. You blame yourself for everything, question why they chose you as a victim, you replay your past over and over again. If she's even ignoring a letter from my solicitor, then she will never stop. The only thing that will work for us is removing ourselves from the equation. We have put our house on the market, I'm even going to change my name. I've removed myself from all social media, a source of narcissistic supply for them. Even blocking them doesn't stop them from poking my cousins for information. What I am most sad about though is that by leaving the narcs I am losing all the relationships in my family who she has a stranglehold over. It feels so lonely being the scapegoat.

Sorry to rant, but you're not the only one going through this. I hope that is some consolation but I really wish that no one had to go through it because it's so painful that it has ruined my life to some degree.

Hello LoveGiraffe,

This thread is from 2014 - would you like to come and join us on the Stately Homes thread? You will find many people there who know exactly what you've been through and can be supportive

Hi, reading through some of the posts on this site really resonate with me. My mother is still alive, I am an adult, have two married sons, three grandsons and one granddaughter. I have had a "strained" relationship with my mother for most of my life and just thought that we were opposites and sometimes relationships are like that. She was always quite controlling i.e. I WOULD take my 11+, I WOULD train to become a secretary and I WOULD NOT marry my boyfriend who is now my husband of 40 years.
When our sons reached middle school age we decided to move abroad - I don't know what pushed me to move away but I guess I was feeling that this was the only way I'd be able to make decisions on my own.
Since moving away she has insisted I phone her on a weekly basis - even when we were trying to make a new life and money was getting short, I obeyed her orders.
I have lately begun to realise that she has perhaps just never loved me. For her, and she tells me often even though now she has Alzheimers, a daughter is born to care for her parents in their old age. A son (my brother) can live his life and do as he wants and she has nothing to say about anything he does - although she has rubbed his nose in my success over the years which has resulted in me having no contact with him since the death of my father 5 years ago. He is also of the opinion that I should never have moved away and that I should be there to look after her. He got a Power of Attorney over her financial affairs just after Dad died without my knowledge - I only found out by doing a search of the Office of the Public Guardian. He has recently been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer, I wrote him an email (on the advice of his daughter as she said she wasn't sure he'd talk to me on the phone) saying how sorry I was to hear the news and there has been absolutely no response.
My quandary is this - fight or flight. Do I continue to ring her and listen to her nastiness (she still lives at home and my brother's daughter is caring for her) or do I say to hell with it and cut off all ties and live the rest of my life in peace. I have thought practically of nothing else since my Dad died (we were very much alike and had the same points of view). It is clear I am not wanted by either of them (mum or brother) and I feel like I jut want to live my life as though they weren't there.
I know this is long and if you have managed to reach the end, I thank you for reading and if you have any guidance to offer I would so love to hear it.