Is DP too much of a liability??

[StellaBrillante]

DP and I are just going through the motion of joining households and all seems to be falling into place nicely. We get on really on, have worked through whatever issues have cropped up so far and DS has really taken to DP.

Firstly, let me say that this man will go through great lengths to ensure that we are well and happy. He's incredibly attentive, thoughtful and generous, not only in a material sense but with his time and effort.

Unfortunately, he's also partial to the odd 'white lie' to get himself out of trouble and doesn't always does things by the book. I am no 'goody-goody two shoes' but I do believe that certain things are non-negotiable. Well, I found out last night that his driving licence was revoked a while ago (no idea when or why) and that he got caught going over the speed limit after that so he is now being taken to court for the speeding offence as well as for driving without a valid licence. Obviously, I don't even dare to think what the situation is with his car insurance - which incidentally, I often drive myself having confirmed with him (and naively accepted his response as being true) that he had added me to his policy.

I don't even know where to start on this one. 1. How do you let things get to this stage?; 2. Is he keeping this hidden so as not to taint my opinion of him or what other reason could he have?; 3. whatever his reason may be, how do you put that above your obligation to act responsibly?; 4. is this man simply immature?

I am now starting to wonder whether he is really divorced... Not that it matters at this point but I don't want to have been told a lie. I've been introduced to the ex-wife so at the very least, they are definitely separated and have been for many years but where do the lies or secrets end? At which point do you decide that a relationship is simply too much hard work and walk away from it? Plus I have no way of confronting him about the licence without admitting to snooping, although the court papers were in a pile in the kitchen so hardly hidden.

Dealbreaker. Walk away and don't look back. He's a lier, he's thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish and a myriad of other undesirable issues.

Agree with Zorba.
The lies are a deal breaker but even worse is that he is the type of man that thinks it is OK to drive without a license (and to do whatever he did to lose it in the first place). End of.

And I don't think it is a sign of an open and honest relationship that he didn't discuss with you the fact that his driving licence had been revoked (and still hasn't given you the whole story).

Surely these are the kind of things that you should be willing to share with your partner if you value them at all and want the relationship to have a solid basis?

White lies are things like - "Yes of course I love watching [insert your favourite TV show]" or "the shop was out of Whiskas so I had to buy Felix". Those are white lies.

Allowing you to drive whilst uninsured is a deal-breaker. If you had been caught, you, as the driver, would have been prosecuted and fined, and may have lost your own licence. I could not foresee a future with a man who had so little regard for me.

The men in my family are like this. They feel that the normal rules of society don't apply to them. Like your dp, they 'don't do things by the book' and will lie or 'forget' about anything to avoid the subsequent confrontation. Then you are wrong for being 'goodygoody' or 'square' etc.

My DH is so not like this, its very refreshing.

I think until I was about 35, I was probably quite similar to that too :( He probably can change - but only if he wants to/chooses too. It's quite ingrained. In the meantime, don't share finances with him, whatever you do.

PleaseNoScar I have no idea?!?!?! I've just found a useful page: www.drivingban.co.uk/drivingban/drivingonabanwhilstdisqualified.htm . Does this mean that he went to jail at some point over the past 4 months and I was totally unaware of it?? Or maybe they only do that when you are caught in the act as opposed to by a speed camera. Anyway...I've got myself and DS to think about. I haven't chosen to break the law and it's not be telling lies.

End this before you become even more emotionally invested than you already are.

He is not the person you think he is or want him to be.

Crushed, crushed, crushed

Stella much much better to find out now that when you have children and a mortgage with this toerag man. I only found out that my now exh was lying through his teeth economical with the truth once we were married. Trust was no 1 in a relationship for me. We're divorced now! Dust yourself off, refind your pride and thank your lucky stars for the close escape. Phew!!!!

So he was disqualified (for whatever reason) then again caught speeding and bailed to appear at court. He may well receive a prison sentence. The alternative is a fine plus community service or curfew order (electronic tagging) plus a further disqualification.

If he is still disqualified, his insurance (if he ever had any) will not be valid. Hence you were also uninsured.

And it sounds like he is still driving while disqualified?

Never mind deciding whether to stay with him/forgive his "white" lie, I'd be contacting police and having him nicked.

He's very unlikely to go to prison for this, unless there's much more to the back story. (I'm an adult criminal magistrate as well as family mag.) You said in your OP that his license had been revoked, not that he was disqualified, they're not the same thing. It'll be relevant why it was revoked and what reason he has for continuing to drive after being notified and not doing anything about it. I would imagine he has also been charged with driving without insurance as well as without a valid licence, and the insurance is the more serious: 6 penalty points and a hefty fine on its own. And then there's the speeding...

FamilyMag could his licence have been revoked as a result of an accident? Would the licence being revoked have invalidated his insurance? Actually, stupid question as licence revoked means that he shouldn't have been driving in the first place. The court papers made no reference to the insurance. I can't remember the exact wording and had to read the police witness statement (from the officer who took the details from the camera reading by the looks of it). The court papers implied that he was caught speeding when he had no entitlement to be driving. The police statement explained that as they were processing the speeding offence, it showed on the DVLA databased that his licence had been revoked (but not when).

Could the licence have been revoked as a result of an accident if he was found guilty of causing it?

OP I think you're getting a lucky break here: you're finding out what he really does, how he handles life, before you've completely entwined your life with his. It will be much more difficult and inconvenient, even expensive, to get out later. I'm also concerned that you say your exH was a liar - you have some acceptance of this kind of thing that is not protecting you in relationships. Please do be careful, and even try to get some sort of counselling for yourself, to figure out what you're overlooking in others or in relationships.

I can imagine your DS will feel sad, if you end this relationship, so you need to avoid this situation in the future. Good luck, and strength to you.

His licence could have been revoked for all sorts of reasons - not necessarily a ban! Talk to him and ask him. The photo card may have expired or DVLA may have needed it for an endorsement and he didn't send it in. Under those circumstances his insurers may have still covered him. Ask some questions before making any decisions.

I think (and obviously I'm not responsible for charging, I'm at the other end) that if he had had some responsibility for an accident he would have been disqualified, not had the license revoked. I think revoking is more of a technical issue, than a criminal one. So, DVLA would revoke the license if he got points for something but failed to surrender his license to get the points put on. They would revoke after a period of time (3 months, I think). Or, if you're a young driver and get more than 6 points on your license within 2 years, the license in revoked. But these are DVLA decisions, not court ones.

To be fair, DVLA make mistakes too, so it MAY be a misunderstanding.

Oh, and if the court papers don't mention a charge of No Insurance, I'm surprised. They seem to bung it straight on on charges like this as they all invalidate insurance.

None of which, I'm afraid, addresses the bigger problem of the lies.

He may well have insurance, as he could have lied to the insurance company about his licence. Not that it would be valid. He could later be charged with insurance fraud because of that.

Regardless of how the process of moving in is going, I'd back off until I made up my mind.

It could be a medical issue, I know someone who had theirs revoked when they started having seizures and their GP had to inform DVLA. They won't get it back until they've been medically certified as having had no seizures for a period of time. If he's already accumulated 12 points on his licence it would also be revoked.
However, what's really at issue here is the lying and the risk he placed on you. If you'd been stopped driving his car with no insurance that's 6 points and a hefty fine for you regardless of whether you thought you were insured or not, the onus is on you to make sure you are.
These aren't little white lies, to me they'd be a deal breaker.

Hi FamilyMag - first of all, thank you! Your first post made me go and read more on the subject. Like most people, I read 'revoked' as disqualified hence my horror about insurance, etc. Having read your last post and the information on the internet, it would sound just like him to fail to send his licence in for the points to be added. I am very certain that the court papers made no reference to insurance but that would make sense as having the licence revoked doesn't automatically invalidate your insurance. Provided his insurance is still valid, that changes the whole story as he's obviously keeping quiet about it hoping that he'll get a fine or curfew for the speeding and failing to submit his licence without me thinking that he is incapable of managing his own life. What I mean is that sometimes we are simply too embarrassed of our own shortcomings / failures to admit it openly.

the guy is a criminal and didn't learn the first time - he thinks the law doesn't apply to him. Like hell is driving with a revoked licence a 'misunderstanding'. Like hell will the insurers honour his policy if he hasn't done everything by the book.

you don't get points for sticking your tongue out at a policeman. You get points for breaking driving laws.

what other laws does he think doesn't apply to him?

really sorry OP, but you can do better. Someone with balls would admit to a mistake being made and have sorted it out.

The problem is, if he is prone to "white lies", then he may already have a back up lie to give to the OP, so she will never know the real reason behind his behaviour.

It's all just speculation anway, the revocation could be for something serious, or not. The only one who can tell you is him, and it doesn't seem likely that he will.

Glad I've helped! Bear in mind, though, that if he's had the license revoked because he hadn't sent it off for points, then he already has some points. Even if he IS insured (and I'd be surprised if revocation didn't invalidate insurance, the buggers seem to look for ANY reason to invalidate) the court will be looking to add more points for the speeding (at least 3, but more depending on the speed he was doing and the limit where he was) and, probably, more again for the license. He could be getting dangerously near 12 and actually being disqualified as a totter.

Good luck with getting to the bottom of it all.

I think if it were me in this situation I would calmly invite him to sit down and tell me about it. Explain that you weren't snooping but caught sight of the court papers and it is only natural that you would read them given that you are moving in with him and would want to know if he was about to acquire a criminal record.

Then I would say that I totally appreciate that he may have been embarrassed about the situation, and that things might not be as bad as first appears given the court papers, but that you absolutely need to know the full truth. By living together his life affects yours and your DSs. And that given that he has lied by omission, however understandably, your trust is shaken and therefore you feel entitled to ask for proof. It's up to you whether you push this and ask for proof of other unrelated matters as well, but I would.

Then, in full possession of the facts, you can reassess your relationship more soundly. Personally, I would enter this conversation prepared to call it a day even if you are hoping that you will be pleasantly surprised.

Sorry this is happening to you.

How you do anything is how you do everything