my mum's taking me to court.

[sadtigs]

Hello all. Having some problems with my mum and wanted to vent really. It's not a short story - sorry.
So, my dad died when I was young and it was just my mum bringing me up. She was ok, disinterested I guess but I got on ok. As an adult we had problems, she was very controlling and manipulative, esp with money and stuff, but I tried to keep the relationship going. She gave us the deposit for my house and was good with the kids so it wasn't all bad.
Then one day she rang up out of the blue and said I'd broken in her house and taken her bank card then put it back and she knew this because she could see on the bank statement. I was distraught. Eventually it turned out it was a direct debit she could see on it but she wouldn't say sorry. So I said until she could apologise I wouldn't speak to her. Then she got nasty. She said I'd never see her again and she would cut me out of her will.
She told all my family that the money she gave me for the house deposit was a loan and I wouldn't pay her back. They stopped talking to me too. She also told my neighbours and any friends she knew of mine in our area.
Then she rang the bank and said I'd broken in, stolen documents and fraudulently took out her remortgage.
Then she contacted a solicitor and said she'd loaned me all the money from her remortgage (this was more than double what she did give me) and I wouldn't pay. I protested and asked for statements as proof.
She provided them but as they showed a different story she now says she gave me some as a 'loan' and the rest was used when I broke in and stole her card. (She likes this version doesn't she).
So, I guess I'm going to court. I'm not after legal advise as my solicitor can sort that, my problem is the emotional part. How do you cope with your mum doing that to you? All these lies, manipulating everyone... no one ever tells her she's obviously lying even though her story changed so much. My own family just went along with her.
I'm guessing it is due to her wanting me cut out of her will and as the gift of the deposit was given as 'it's part of your inheritance now whilst you need it' she feels she needs it back so she can die knowing I got nothing. But how can a mother be this way. It's just so sad.

Good god what a horrific situation. I note that she 'turned nasty' as soon as you stood up for yourself. This is classic narcissist behaviour - read up about it. Once you arm yourself with an understanding of this you will probably feel a great sense of relief that it's not you, it's her.

Also don't blame others for going along with her because they are woven into her web of control. My advice usually with these tragic and painful cases is to keep in contact with your siblings and play the long game. One day it will dawn on them what has happened. One day they will see through this but if you try to justify yourself to them now it will simply add fuel to her fire. It's precisely what she wants, a big drama.

What you could do is write very clear simple letters or texts to people to ask them to contact you if they want to hear your side of the story. That's what I did with my brother (narc. SIL, not mother) - there is light at the end of the tunnel although it's taking a while to shine through.

I read an article about narcissists in the workplace recently and one of the things that stood out was that if you try to expose one or they know you are a threat they will do everything they can to discredit you and get you thrown out. These people are a force to be reckoned with.

I really am sorry you are going through this you must be heartbroken - it is like losing your whole family in one go.

oh bless you. I've had similar in my family and it is very, very painful. I can relate to you (me!) wanting just one person to stand up for you/me.

I'd be looking at whether you can report her firm of solicitors to the Law Association (?). Unethical practice? (I know that's probably an oxymoron but perhaps you can find out if there are general codes of practice that law firms are expected to adhere to.)

Well I'm standing up for you! (I know it's not the same though)

I'm sorry op. This must be really painful for you. My Mum was always a difficult woman but when her dementia set in, she did things like this.