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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why can't he communicate?!

6 replies

WholeNutt · 28/01/2014 19:39

Have been with dh for 7 years, we are great friends we rarely argue and to all our friends we make the 'perfect' couple.

However, dh seems either unwilling or incapable of communicating on a deeper level, although I feel we have a strong bond there's something missing. There's a lot of affection between us out of the bedroom but in it the sex just doesn't rock my world anymore.

We've not had regular sex in almost a year, we can go 3-4 weeks without and the less we do the less we care but when we do have sex it's the same thing and I am left feeling in truth a bit disappointed.

We've talked about it, ok I've talked he's listened then taken it as a personal criticism which it isn't and I haven't ever said it's his fault it's something we can work on together.

At times I feel so disconnected during sex and I'm not normally like that, everything else in our marriage appears to be great I say appears because if I ask him anything he says how happy he is end and that's then end of conversation.

I am away with my work quite a bit during the year so the times I am at home to me are precious. We often go away for weekends but rarely have sex even though we do have a really great time.

Is it me? Should I just accept he's not a talker and stop analysing or should there be some kind of give on his part?

Sorry for the ramble

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2014 20:03

Generally speaking you should take people as you find them, love them for who they are and not try to mould or convert them into something they're not. Having said that, if who they are is incompatible with something important that you want in a partner, you have a tough choice to make.

WholeNutt · 28/01/2014 20:32

I don't want to change or mould him I just would like him to talk to me!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 28/01/2014 20:34

Well, I think I'd take it personally if my partner said they didn't feel connected during sex.
It doesn't sound like he's doing anything differently, it's you who is feeling a different way doing the same stuff?
How old is he? (old enough for sex drive to wane a bit, naturally? Or harder to sustain erection?)
What else was happening in your lives when the frequency dropped off?

Cabrinha · 28/01/2014 20:36

You want him to talk to you, but how can he explain your feeling of disconnection. I'd be worried and confused if I were him.
Can you be more specific about how you think he has changed / your sex life has changed?

WholeNutt · 28/01/2014 20:40

I haven't told him I don't feel connected I am mindful that words can hurt, he's early 40's. I can't think of anything that's happened as such. I haven't fallen out of love with him not at all. It just feels as though we have an intimacy issue regarding sex which I'm unable to discuss with him as he is unwilling to divulge any sort of thought or feeling.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2014 21:35

If he's always been uncommunicative and you want him to talk more then, with respect, you are trying to change him. You either accept he is not a talker and decide you can live with the status quo of non-world-rocking-sex or you accept you can't live with the status quo and decide what to do next on that basis.

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