Does anyone else feel they married the wrong person?

[MyOtherLife]

Has anyone felt they married the wrong person? What did you do? How are you now? And do you know who you should have married? Are they available?
I married the wrong person. At the time I thought he was perfect, wanted what I wanted etc, only to realise his words 'I never really thought about it' meant exactly that, didn't think about what I wanted out of life or what he wanted, but at the time agreed to everything that I wanted thus I thought we were completely on the same page, though subsequently later realised we wanted very different things/ had very different ideas,. This make me feel cheated.
So the man I should have married... Met him when I was 18, we flirted and mucked about, he was my best friend, and still is my closest male friend now. My mother thought I should have married him, his father thought the same and even suggested I should stray while I was still married, I didn't of course.
I'm now single with 3 dc's, he is married, no dc's but I don't think happily, he tells me of their rows and together neither seem happy to be with each other.
Several weeks Before I married we got exceedingly drunk and I THINK he said that he would marry me, but I was all set to marry exh, and in the sober light of the day never certain if that was really said, though on New Year's Eve this year ( bout 8 years later) he made a reference to it, so I think it did happen. He seems to get me like no one else, and ironically the things I wanted out of my life I could have had with him!!
As he is married I know I can't do anything, but part of me wants to, though what i have no idea, just tell him that I was stupid, messed up and that he is amazing, what should I do?

Stop contact with him for a start.

You'll never be able to work on your marriage if you have contact with the old flame.

If you really don't love your dh then leave him, but don't go straight to the other man. He may be just a grass is greener syndrome because you're not happy.

My husband left me last summer. Previous to this I didn't have much contact as we were living in different country's other than through my mother as he would visit her, they get on really well. Me and dc's are now living with her and he is storing my furniture till I have got myself sorted and marital home sold.

Oops sorry I misread, I didn't realise you were now single.

I still think you should give the other man a wide berth though... He is married.

Btw when he left I thought we were separating, 4 days later he had asked me if I had made an appointment to see a solicitor, I asked why, he said because if I didn't it would take over 2 years to get divorced. I told him my concern was the children and what we said to them. We are now virtually divorced, should be through before end of feb. I don't know why he is in such a rush!

If your marriage cannot be saved then end it. If you don't want to save it, end it. But do it because of either of those reasons, not because you think it could work with someone else. He's married, and that's his business. Don't interfere or complicate it by telling him how you feel. Even if you got what you wanted it would be tainted by worry that he could leave you as easily. Let him resolve his own problems. You deal with yours.

You have to put the old flame in the past, sadly. He's not available and any ideas you've got that he's just your closest male friend are just setting you up for more disappointment. There's nothing to say that if you'd married him you wouldn't be right where you are now. FWIW he's being very disloyal to his DW telling you about their rows etc. ... not a nice character trait in someone and neither is keeping you on a string the way he's doing.

So you're going to have to let this one go. Start fresh and make some new friends. Good luck

I know but it is hard as we are both part of a good group of friends, plus his friendship with my mother means he pops round about!

Sorry, I misread as well, but the second part, it's just so difficult to start something good when it's based on breaking something else.

Of course it's hard. But you're lonely at the moment and all kinds of mad things can seem like a good idea when you're in that frame of mind. This man, much as you like him, has very poor personal boundaries. Declares himself to you as you're about to get married. Badmouths his wife. If you got together (setting aside the whole thorny business of breaking up his family) what's to say you wouldn't get the same treatment. But, worse than all that, while you're indulging your unrequited crush you're not getting on with living your life to the full. Mooning is an utter waste of your time and you'll regret it.

So you're living with the old flame's mother with your children?

Is the dad around who suggested you should have married his son and cheated on your husband with him?

How much is coming from him about his allegedly unhappy marriage and how much is coming from these in laws from hell?

Tona she is living with her mother I think. The flame is friends with the op'smother.

Thanks for clarifying. Is anyone else finding piecing this together confusing?

I think you are full of regret about the turn your life has taken. This is understandable and it is easy to start thinking of all the other roads you could have taken. But you didn't take those particular road and you can't go back in time. Your friend is married. Respect that and turn your attentions away from him. Respect his choices and come to terms with yours.

I think you are full of regret about the turn your life has taken. This is understandable and it is easy to start thinking of all the other roads you could have taken. But you didn't take those particular road and you can't go back in time. Your friend is married. Respect that and turn your attentions away from him. Respect his choices and come to terms with yours.

Your friend is married. Do NOT become the OW, it never, ever ends well. Don't interfere and leave him to it

Sorry for the silence a friend called round.
Thank you though as everything that has been said its what I know deep down and I was just needing it to be reaffirmed. I would never want to be the ow nor break up or even put him in that situation. Also yes Nessus, full of regret, and sadness that my dc's are now mostly without a father- he chooses to visit one weekend day a month and that isn't what I wanted for them. And CogitoErgo such wise words thank you too, I think I am starting to get lonely, need to try and find some new friends somehow??!

I married the wrong person, he loved me more than I loved him. We staggered on for about 10 years and then i left him. I don't think I'm any happier. I hope he is, he has a new partner and they look very happy together when my Facebook blocks let me down.

Sorry, that was a bit bleak. It wasn't his fault that I was unhappy.

I'm sorry thedogwakesup that you are no happier, i hope that changes soon. thankfully after my husband left it was a relief, he resented the children and was constantly very grumpy. I and the kids are happier, they behave better, but I do feel there is a void/ underlying sadness.

I felt like you for many years. I fell in love with a friend at university and split up with my first boyfriend of 4 years because of it. The friend was with his girlfriend to whom he is now married. Nothing was ever said overtly between us but we were very close and looking back there were clearly boundary issues that I'm sure his girlfriend would have been unhappy with had she known. I'm sure he had some feelings for me that went beyond friendship. After we left university I had another couple of relationships including one disastrous marriage. I very much distanced myself from my friend during this marriage as I was afraid I would give in to temptation if the opportunity presented itself and we now have very little contact. However, deep down, I always had the feeling I should have married him.

However, I then met and married my second husband who is a better match for me than all the rest and after meeting him my thoughts about my friend changed completely and all 'love' finally disappeared with a puff! Instead, I see many things that I would have found difficult to live with, not least the fact I would never have been able to trust him. I also see an arrogant and superficial side I never recognised before and some immaturity about relationships. I haven't seen him for a few years now but have no fear I'd be in the slightest bit tempted as he's well and truly been cut down to size. I feel somewhat scathing towards him for how he treated me, and more importantly his girlfriend who is now his wife. I also feel bad for my part and sorry for her.

OP - he's married and doesn't sound like he'd be much of a catch for you even if he weren't. Cut contact as much as possible and find someone who is right for you. I'm sure it will all swing into place then.

Thank you twentyducks, that is a real help and gives me hope that I'm still waiting to meet the right person. It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one that has felt like this!