Mil and DD

[Winkeydoo1]

So. MIL is a very cold distant person who I have just accepted that this is her way and get in with it, however she is so strange with my DD, I would like your thoughts please.
MIL is not an affectionate person (or so I thought) but since dbil has had a DD, the difference in the way they are treated by MIL is huge, it seems that she is just not interested in our DD, never plays with her, talks to her etc and if the 2 girls are together it is extremely noticeable to everyone they are treated completely differently. I feel really sad about this and do not want my DD growing up knowing her nanny has favourites. Really don't know what to do, it's like for my niece , MIL spent around £100 on her birthday, I thought that was completely OTT but we have just had our DD's birthday and she spent a tenner- how can you justify spending completely different amounts? Anyone else experienced the same? For info me and MIL are not close by any means but we do get along.

What age is your DD and what age is your niece?

I noticed my in-laws were not at all interested in any of the grandkids until they were walking, talking and able to interact. So maybe it's the stage your DD is at that they struggle with? From your OP I don't think that's the case, but I'm clutching at straws and exploring options.

It sounds like a horrible situation, and especially so if other people notice it, as you say in the OP :( What do your BIL & SIL say?

I agree that as she ages your DD will notice it, so best to nip it in the bud now, or disengage to save any hurt you may suffer.

very unfair, as a child it was very clear to me my nan disliked me and favoured my brother, my mum never pulled her up on it and although knew it was happening she ignored it.
my nan died a few years bak, I was left nothing , my brother was left the whole estate totally over 800grand.
as an adult I hated her and always felt (still do) what was wrong with me to make her prefer my brother.
wish my parents stuck up for me.

id broach this asap, dont let it continue
x

My DD is 3 and has a lovely little personality so it's not that! You can tell BIL notices it too but no one wants to mention it, awful
Situation! X

Oh ginger thank you for completely understanding where I am coming from! Yes something has to be said... Unfortunately MIL is no way at all approachable or understanding !!! This could be fun, either way I'm not having it , it's so unfair x

I would keep my distance from such a person.

Such favouritism should not be tolerated by either you or your H as parents. If his mother cannot or will not behave then she does not see your family unit. Any discussion of her behaviour from you may likely not go down at all well, she could well deny and accuse you of being sensitive. The fact that no-one mentions it allows her behaviour to continue unabated; no-one has ever been able to challenge her at all and so her behaviour over time has got worse.

If your H or you tolerate this on any level your DD will grow up knowing that her grandmother has favourites. I would protect her and by turn yourself from her malign influence; she does not sound like a nice person to have in your life anyway and your DD will gain nothing by having her as a grandmother.

It is not your fault your MIL is this way either.

You would also not tolerate this from a friend, family are truly no different.

BTW what does your H think about his mother?.

"Unfortunately MIL is no way at all approachable or understanding !!!"

Not surprised to read that either given how cold and distant she is as a person.

Again, you did not make her this way and I would reduce or even cease all contact with her. If she cannot or will not behave decently she does not get to see any of you.

You likely do not get anything at all positive either from your own relationship with her and perhaps have only clung on to a semblance of a relationship purely out of societal convention and the hope that such a person will change. Such people though do not change and are inherently emotionally dysfunctional.

I can't understand these grandparents who treat their DGC's differently. We've got 3 DGC aged 5 months 18 months and 4 years. We treat them all the same whether with gifts, love, time spent together playing or just plain old babysitting. What kind of person can can do this, and by reading the other many similar threads here, very obviously so.Some people do not deserve grandkids and should be ashamed of themselves. Ours will also have the same inheritance; our will is carefully constructed to show absolute fairness.

We have the same sort of problem in our family, but mil denies it, will make a fuss for a day or two then go back to old ways!
It doesn't sound like you are particurly close with mil so maybe cut down on contact a bit?
ATM we are only seeing inlaws when they ask to see us/ dd once in the past 3 months..
No point in trying to make a relationship when it's going to make you and your dd unhappy :(

Weird, I am not a grandmother but find it hard to imagine how people can be so blatant about picking favourite DGCs.

Did this happen with DH and DBIL when they were young?

As she is by nature cold and distant I don't think confronting her will help.

If DH agrees, I'd choose to pull back from the relationship and spent less time together with MIL. If otoh any kind of relationship is better than a reduced one or going nc, then accept that this is going to be an ongoing sourse of annoyance.

There is a little of this in our family - but in our case it stems from other issues between my Grandparents and my Mother (and her two siblings). For example, when my Mother had her first child (also the first grandchild) she was told in no uncertain terms that babysitting would NOT be provided; fast forward ten or twelve years and my cousins are regularly babysit in their own home for evenings and overnights.

This was, in part, due to my Aunt & Uncle having a larger house with more room for my Grandparents to stay (and feel comfortable) and, in part, due to my Grandparents having borrowed large sums of money from my Aunt & Uncle...it seems that they felt that they 'owed them'.

Whilst this is all very understandable, it doesn't make it easier for my generation to come to terms with, especially as children.

I'm not suggesting that your situation mirrors this, but is there a reason why your brother and sister-in-law would be the ones being favoured, rather than the grandchildren?

It's horrible. Do you think that there is a difference in circumstances between your two families that she is trying to compensate for? Does she favour your DBIL?

Same going on here. Golden child's DCs blatantly favoured to the detriment of other GCs, so much so that outsiders have noticed and commented.

All is denied, nothing changes.

We are contemplating at least going minimal-contact. DH is furious that our DCs are being affected. It's not at all about money, really about time spent together. History repeats itself in a new generation.

Yeah rife here too, it's horrible to watch and bloody frustrating.
Holidays, cash (nice 5k savings for niece), days out, clothes, meals out.
It's not fair and it's not nice

My goodness it's more common than I thought! Yes it's terrible, so unfair. I wouldn't say MIL prefers bil but they are very similar.. Selfish, self obsessed etc! That's why I was so shocked and I could see in his eyes he noticed it too!

What is it with MIL's?! Yes contact will ve dramatically reduced, I am not having my DD feel inadequate! MIL made me feel like that for years until I stopped caring what she thought!

Same here, other GCs are adopted so don't know if that's the reason she treats them different but SIL was the golden child. One was 18 2 wks before DS, he got a car DS got £50 and she moaned when she gave it to him about having 2 birthdays to fork out for in the same month.

You are doing the right thing in going as no contact as possible. What she did to you, she is now doing to your DD to get to you.

Refuse all invitations, don't buy cards/gifts or anything for MIL and don't ever explain yourself.

she's not worth it and she won't change.