Husband has started lying all the time

[Momotaro]

We have been married 10 years and he used to be honest to a fault but about a year ago he got a work transfer and we moved to another city.

It came up when he told me a lie about our neighbor complaining about where I put the bins out. He told me she said they had to go at the end of the road. I was heavily pregnant and struggling and my neighbor asked why I was taking the bins so far. I was really upset and confused about the whole thing and I started to notice other lies.

It's actually getting worse. It's mostly stupid things like he said he called me but there is no missed call on my phone but on Friday he was out late. It's such a cliche but I dropped off the dry cleaning and there was a card in the pocket that proved he had been somewhere he wasn't supposed to have gone to. Imagine it was like a strip club when he knows I hate them. He was on his own so no peer pressure.

I asked him again where he'd been. He lied. I said the name of the place, he said he'd never heard of it. I told him that I know he went there and eventually he admitted it and apologized.

I just feel so empty. Even though he admitted it I still don't know if that is the truth or is there more. I can't trust anything he says anymore. Even if he says he's sorry and will change how do I know if that is the truth. It's just so confusing.

I assume he started lying because of work stress but I don't know. If I talk to him about it how do I know if everything he is saying is a lie. Is his work really as stressful as he says? Or is it all a fantasy? I don't think he is having an affair. He doesn't really have any opportunity.

Is it possible to re-build trust?

No he isn't lying because of work stress.

And of course he has the opportunity for an affair.

I don't know why he's lying but I wouldn't be making any excuses for it. No-one unless their very safety depends on it, has a reason to lie.

He only admitted where he'd been when he had nowhere to go other than confess all. If you hadn't been able to prove otherwise, he would have continued to lie.

"how do I know if everything he is saying is a lie"

The 'Boy Who Cried Wolf' dilemma. Once you know someone is a liar, you can't trust them Tempting to try to rationalise it but that's just making the liar's excuses for them. To me, lying about the small stuff is more worrying than lying about really big important stuff. Suggests a casual disregard for the truth and zero respect for you, the partner.

How do you know he was 'honest to a fault' up to now? He could just be a really, really good liar.

I think if people are lying there is generally a reason for it. They don't want to tell you the truth. You are then going to have to ask yourself why that might be.

Sorry you are going through this, it must be horrible.

Without wishing to upset you, Tonandfeather is right, work stress is probably not either a credible or a justifiable reason for him to be lying to you. Unless he is seriously depressed and anxious to the point that he is decoupling from reality that from your post it doesn't sound like that.

That doesn't mean to say he is automatically having an affair, but he is certainly hiding something from you. Plenty of people are stressed at work without feeling the need to lie to their spouses.

You need to confront him on the broader question of why he is lying (rather than just on the individual lies) and his reaction will probably give you a big clue as to whether he is hiding something serious.

Good luck.

But why does he lie about stupid things like the phone call? We were at the park, we got separated because DS had run off. Then I saw him him and said I was just about to text him and he said he had called me. I know he hadn't and when I pushed him about it he got a bit shifty.

Maybe he is having an affair but he is getting transferred again soon.

Talk to him - ask him. You need to sort this out. Avoid accusations at this stage as he will go into defensive mode.

Sit him down.

Explain, quite clearly and without showing emotion (if you can manage it) that you are nearing the end of your tether with his repeated lies.

If you think it will help, write down as long a list as you can of proven lies - and ones you suspect him of. Show it to him.

Tell him that you won't stay married to a liar, and that you are considering ending the marraige (even if you aren't) and that you are preparing to see a solicitor to find out how best to proceed (even if you aren't).

Then say that of course the first step is this - for you to confront and ask him WHY.

(No discussion on is he lying - because he is, that is not up for debate).

Why is he lying? What has changed? Does he think he can stop? If he also doesn't want to end the marriage, what is he going to do right now to start mending things?

The less emotional and more practical you keep the conversation, the less he will be able to fling his hands up and engineer the discussion into an argument which will allow him to flounce out and blame you for it.

If you get 'I don't lie' 'I don't know what you're talking about' etc. then just look sad, and say something like 'I thought you might react like this - I hoped you wouldn't, but there you go.' And end the conversation, briskly and politely.

Then come back here for advice.

You can drive yourself crackers trying to work out why he lies and you might never get to the bottom of it. The message I give to my DS is that if he's done something wrong and I find out, he's in trouble. If he does something wrong and he lies about it and I find out, he's in trouble squared! That's what you tell your DH. If the relationship ends it won't be because he went to a casino (or whatever it was) it'll be because you can't trust him any more. His choice ...

Some people do lie about little things. Some people feel the need to be right all the time and hate to be challenged, so if they've told a very small almost unwitting lie they will stick to it rather than admit that they lied. Its about control.

The small lies may or may not be related to the reason why he appears to be lying about bigger, more significant stuff, but they do point to someone who fundamentally isn't trustworthy.

Again, I have no idea if he's having an affair, but the fact that he's being transferred doesn't really solve your problem. If he does get transferred, you have to ask yourself whether you will be able to trust him in the new place he is transferred to. If he can lie to you in one location he can do it in another.

To cover himself in case you or your son had seen him on the phone calling someone else?

Getting transferred isn't going to solve this problem.

I will talk to him at the weekend. I do wonder if everything has been a lie for 10 years. It's such an awful feeling. I feel like such an idiot.

He will be transferred again in a few months but only for a year so the kids and I won't go.

I suspect when we talk he will deny the other lies. Or he will promise to change but I don't know if I can believe that.

Why would the whole previous 10 years be a lie?

Didn't you say this is a recent phenomenon?

Seems much more likely that the lying has stepped up in recent times or even just started because of a bigger more recent situation you know nothing about.

If you have proof that he's lied repeatedly you have a problem. Whether or not he's having an affair is almost irrelevant. You cannot have a functional marriage with someone who is repeatedly lying to you. This is important in any marriage but particularly in one where the spouses are going to be living in different places.

You need to see what his reaction is to what you have to say. If he is serious about you and the marriage he will move heaven and earth to prove he is worthy of your trust. If he's not, you need to think about life without him.

Sorry, but its just not worth it.

I am afraid the fact H is quite prepared to lie about petty stuff makes it probable he will push further to see what he can get away with.

And he disrespects you by doing so, affair or not.

PS There's always time for stepping out of line, somehow, sorry OP.

How is the physical side of your relationship at the moment?

You need to look at how low his behaviour has made you fall:
Oh well, if he's having an affair it's OK cos he's going to be transferred soon?
Oh love, you really think that little of what you're entitled to? A faithful husband?
If he's having an affair now, he'll have another where he goes next - especially with all that time away!
Or how are you going to feel when he's back on weekends but dipping out and seeing the current affair, if you're right that he's having one?

Work stress doesn't make you lie. Why would it?

Of your whole OP, the thing that bothered me most was the lie about the bins. Because the only reason for making you take the heavy bins further than necessary is that it gave him some kind of pleasure to see you/think of you struggling.

I agree with CinnabarRed. That particular lie just screams cruelty. Bizarre.

Sorry, OP, he has probably always been a liar, you are just noticing more lately for some reason.

It almost sounds like for some reason he is upping the gaslighting when you mentioned the bins. Is he having an affair and that is why he is upping his game to make you look like you have mental health issues to you and others, so you are isolated as sadly many with MH issues are?