recovering from emotional abuse - how do you process and manage the anger?

[Lottapianos]

Coming to terms with childhood emotional abuse. I'm in therapy, have been for 3 years. I have great friends and a lovely DP. I want so badly to be happy but instead I am so very angry. I was not allowed to have my own feelings as a child, still not allowed by my family, and I've only recently realised how much anger I've been suppressing for so many years.

I had a triggering incident today and I find it so hard to keep it in perspective. I feel like screaming and raging and smashing things. I did a bit of low level sniping at DP which is really unfair. I do not want to take this out on him.

How do you deal with your anger? How do you keep things going when you just want to rage? I'm really struggling at the moment and would value any support or advice

Yes I have been through the rage so bad you can't see stage I really have and still get angry. There is something so fundamentally wrong about being denied your feelings and I still react strongly if someone discounts me and tries to put me down in any way probably too strongly sometimes. However it is part of what you are doing with the therapy at least it is coming out give yourself a break. You will feel better. I got to a point when I thought where is the bad feeling of anger going to go and end but it does just take as bit of time also you are right to be angry that is your true and just feeling sorry to rant but your post resonates with me.

Thanks bella. It helps to know that someone has felt the same and can understood. I have been through this stage before and come through it but it feels like hell when I'm in the middle of it. I want to be happy and to be able to enjoy my life

It is great that you are in therapy foe this, and have the support from your DP.

It will get easier. Just have a little patience with yourself. Frustrating, i know. When you feel you are working so hard on change, yet you dont feel it yet. It is happening...slowly, but surely.

When i was younger, i had anger issues and i was told to distract myself as soon as i felt angry.
Cleaning really helped me deal with my anger.

Yours might not be cleaning. Sometimes a little walk, preferably around a green area can really help.

Just as soon as you feel it - distract.

It is hard at first as you just want to rip into the anger, but it gets easier.

Whatever makes you angry - walk away. Go back if needed when you have calmed.

The thing is though, I know I need to feel it, so walking away and distracting myself only deals with the symptoms, not the cause. I don't usually act out and I'm not violent or self destructive, although I have thought of self harm in the past and used to drink a lot. I wish there was a fast forward button so I could speed through the process, get it all out and be done with the pain!

Know that the anger is valid and understandable. I'm another who wasn't allowed to feel anger or any other 'negative' emotion and I know how damaging that is when you need anger to protect you.

It is possible to get to the point where something akin to forgiveness happens and it's worth aiming for but not trying to force it before you're ready. You're angry because you're not ready not to be.

I got to the point where when I felt angry with people who loved me I'd ask myself what i was REALLY angry about. It helped me keep a sense of perspective whilst not denying how I felt and it also helped my supporters know that it wasn't about them.

You can do this, the anger you feel won't destroy you or those who sometimes find themselves on the receiving end, as long as you're working through the damage done to you in the past.

i'm waiting for more counselling - sixth or seventh round?
i've shelved my anger because my parents are old. my mother is close to death (she's been hovering there for over a year). my dad is healthy but 81.
about 20 or 25 years ago, i told them what the heck i thought of them and why. that helped a bit.

lotta, there are a few thigns I've found that help.

• exercise. Running or something similar; you can speed up or slow down as you like. For me now it's swimming
• writing it down. Helps some people apparently
• talking it out, over and over until you no longer feel the need. You need to speak to the right person; someone who either understands because of their own experience or someone very close to you. Partner?
• what akawisey said. When you're this angry, yeah it spills over onto other people. Walking away for a bit and stopping to think over why you are angry, what's it really about, helps. Then once the storm has passed, explaining to the other person, if you got really grumpy!

Can you talk to your partner about all this, if he's supportive? its impossible for this level of anger not to spill over (and it might actually have been affecting you for far longer than you realise, at a deep down level). It will help him if you explain that it's spill-over anger and that it's not him, as long as it's not too much.

"anger is the driving force that gives us the energy to change what really needs changing"... someone said that a long time ago. The problem comes when you are not able to change what needs changing, at the time.

But you can get through it, honest, even if it feels sometimes like you're in a canoe on a river of fury.

Thank you all for your replies. I felt incredibly anxious last night but slept well and been at work today so that's taken my mind off it.
DP is lovely but doesn't really get it. He gives me space when I need it which is a good thing. I do tend to hold a lot inside though so could probably open up to him more. The most useful thing ever is my weekly therapy session - my therapist is great and overall its getting easier to manage my feelings and to feel better about myself. Its a bit up and down though which is frustrating