How to tell abusive H that I'm divorcing him?

[januarycat]

Or should I just wait until he receives the divorce papers?
How have others done it, how did your H react? Did the abuse escalate??
TIA for any advice.

Are you out? Have you got some distance?

If it is going to be a bolt from the blue then abuse is likely to escalate. Call women's aid for advice.

Aren't you the woman who lives in a separate house to your older DH?

Do take advice from Womens Aid about how to go about this safely. As I understand it, he's not physically violent yet but he keeps you locked down in a state of poverty. Put everything through professionals.... solicitors, CSA, police if necessary... and operate strict no contact. Abusive, controlling bullies do not like their authority challenged and are likely to get very nasty. So anticipate that and work on the basis that he is not going to cooperate.

Good luck

Have you already left him OP? I would make sure you are in a place of safety before you start proceedings.

I told my ex I was divorcing him about 3 months after I left. I informed him via email a couple of days before he got the letter. TBH I'm very grateful I had both distance and support as he did not take it well.

yes, I am that woman Cogito.

we live in separate houses, but he is here 4 days a week. he doesn't stay the night here anymore, due to several 'incidents' that have happened over the past couple of years.
He bought us some food today -but still hasn't paid the mortgage or transfered any money into my account for other bills. I have had to cancel all the direct debits.
He has booked another training course for his job (another 7K at least), he has plans to go skiing in a few weeks & is still eating out at least 5 days a week.

I was very tempted to tell him where to go this weekend after he cooked himself steak & drank a bottle of wine in the home he no longer pays for.

he has ranted on & off over the past few days about me letting the family down because I won't agree to selling my car. and because of my decision i have now put my home & my DCs future at risk. I am going to lose everything if i don't agree.

Well, I don't agree. I am scared, but the bullying & manipulation has to stop at some point.
I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow.

He is the sort of person who goes on & on until they get what they want. The gradual wearing down until you agree to them.

He is in that mode at the moment about my car, it's exhausting & he will only stop if I agree to what he wants. He has sent me an email this evening (about the car).

Yes, see your solicitor first before you tell him. Knowledge is power.

From my experience I would say tell him before the letter arrives, it's not easy but I felt I should tell him. Needless to say he became really nasty and things went downhill, i don't think he ever thought I would do it - it really peed him off that I actually did it. Do everything through solicitors, as a previous poster said knowledge is power and it really is, best of luck

mrseric - are you happy now that you have left?

Yes bullies don't like it when you start taking control. He will hate not getting his own way. Have the courage to stand up to him. I have been through this with ex and only the law behind me helped.

yes, yourehavingalaugh, that's the fear, I'm now saying 'no' to him, god knows what I'll get in response.

It's not easy, he is making things as difficult as possible, he is trying to ensure that I receive absolutely nothing and that's frightening especially as I have the dcs, I have more worries about the future, money, I have no idea where I am going to live but before I would wake and all that got me through the day were the dcs, I would spend the day worrying about wether to leave/what to do etc,it drove me up the wall and did me no good. I would not go back for anything, leaving was the best thing I could have done, I feel like a weight has been lifted - I no longer have to worry about what sort of mood he is going to be in, don't have to watch what I say, I can do what I want to do. It took me a long time to actually do it and when I did it was the right time for me. Whatever you do think of you, you will know what to do and when

Definitely consult a solicitor. It might be possible to get a court order to keep him out of your home. IF there is a history of violence from him, you could have a chat with the local domestic violence unit and perhaps have a police officer present or at least have your address and details logged so that you will get a quick response if you need to call them because he's kickig off.

I think in your case OP securing some kind of income is going to be very important as keeping you in a state of dependent poverty is one of his chief methods of control. Financial abuse. If you have decided to separate there is help available for lone parents. Womens Aid can steer you in the right direction and so can CAB. Do you have, for example, your own bank account? Do you get Child Benefit still?

I can't remember how the ownership of your house works, sorry. Is the house in his name and he pays the mortgage or was it your house originally and he took over the mortgage payments? Something else?

Practically you need a bank account in your own name only to secure some income in the immediate future. Ring the companies for whom you have dropped direct debits and explain.

Solicitor will help you enormously and will also help you feel more confident in your decision :)