How do you fix things after a row?

[TwoLeftSocks]

DH and I had a proper row yesterday. We don't row often at all but this was a big one. Difference in opinion in discipline.

Not sure how to go about talking it through when he's home later. He gets quite defensive, in a taking everything personally kind of way, though it will actually be personal this time I think. Doesn't help that I'm crap explaining how I feel, but he's much more articulate. He doesn't stop me having my say, I'm just slower about putting it into words.

The one thought I had is to write out things I'd like to be better, in a constructive way, about him, him and us, anything/everything else. Really don't know if that would help though.

I really want us to be able to fix this.

What was the argument about?

I mean, it was about difference in opinion in discipline but can you elaborate?

He thought it was acceptable to put DS1's coat on him and put him outside the backdoor too cool off (early afternoon, light rain) for having an angry tantrum, storming upstairs and slamming the bedroom door.

I thought it wasn't okay. DS (7) hasn't quite got the hang of managing his temper when he gets frustrated, quite possibly due to his adhd or might just be because he's 7, but I'd rather help him to work on calming down & controlling himself. Or just calm him down before he gets into that state.

DH and I had different upbringings, he tends to think I'm too soft/lax and I tend to think he's to harsh, but we normally get to a reasonable compromise. He accepted very early on that smacking was out and there's no other physical punishment, other than the naughty step if that counts.

He'd threatened to put him outside earlier in the day (which I wasn't comfortable with either but wasn't going to raise in front of the boys) but I didn't think he'd actually go though with it. In the end, when he went upstairs after DS saying right get your coat on, I went up told him no, he's not going outside, I won't let you. We had an arguement in front of DS, which I know was wrong, and he gave in before me.

I don't even know if this is fixable. He doesn't normally threaten this sort of thing at all, if that's worth noting, and is normally much more patient.

I ought to add, this is the worst things have ever been between us in 18 years together, and in DS1's 7 & a half years. DS2 is 3 in case it matters at all.

You need to agree on a punishment. Standing outside isn't the worst thing I could think of doing.

Me and DP usually end up laughing after an argument. I cannot bear sulking.

What is do is, see what he is like when he gets in. I'd be prepared to be conciliatory knowing my partner would respond well to that and then I'd suggest we chat about it at some stage. Then we'd both retreat and move about the house with no awkwardness, maybe a kiss here and there, and then pretty quickly get to cuddling and talking it through for ages. Good luck x

Thanks. You're probably right, it's not a really terrible punishment, but not one I'm prepared to see for my two.

I'll see what happens when he's home. Might well be a conversation deferred till tomorrow as he's in going to be in late and I'm out early.

Settle on a different punishment that you both approve of. In our house it was the stairs, with the hall doors shut. A minute for each year of their age in isolation. They hated it, they'd kick, shout, sob for a minute or so.... I can count on one hand the amount of times we had to use it.

As for making up and making ground... I wouldn't go writing any letters over this, it doesn't appear that deep. Just sit down, hold his hand and say err 'Can we talk about the kids behaviour/punishments, because I love you so much, I really hate it when we fall out and we need a system with the kids, etc. Make it about this issue in question, not a personal thing between you guys. (Someone has to make the first move, it might as well be you). Big picture is happiness

DH and I rarely row, but had one on Saturday. He gets defensive and bloody walks away from me when we are arguing. He went out on a planned day out with our children, leaving me behind. I didn't want to go anyway after having a row. After he left I texted him to say my piece. He didn't reply and I didn't expect him to. We had dinner in the evening and did say much to each other, but we were civil.

By Sunday we were busy with chores and by the afternoon friends again and had a day out together on Monday while the kids were at school.

I would say the above is typical of us when we do row which probably averages out at about once or twice a year, and never serious. We don't hurl insults at each other so I suppose that makes it easy to sort it out.

Our row was about the negative way he spoke to our 9 year old the night before, having just come home from the pub.

I'm looking at this as well from a slightly different angle.

I note your son has ADHD. Have you had any support as a family unit with regards to his ADHD?. Is your son receiving additional help and support at school?. I would consider posting on the Special Needs; Children's forum of this website too.

Arguing in a healthy way is a skill and can be learned. The ability to form a persuasive argument is dependent to some degree on intelligence and knowledge, but the ability to argue in a constructive manner that yields solutions requires only a basic respect for each other. If that's there, the rest can be learned. If it's not there, no matter how 'right' you are, or how reasonable, or how hard you try, it will always result in either a row with no resolution, resentment on one or both sides, or one party completely acquiescing against their better judgement.

The two key ingredients in my mind are not interrupting each other and conceding points well made even if you don't change your mind on the bigger picture.

Instead of thinking about who is right or wrong, or your differences, try to find common ground. A successful result is a workable solution you both agree on, not an apology.

Good luck. If your marriage is otherwise good, I'm sure you can work through this.

One thing to have a little think about beforehand is be wary of focussing on whatever provoked the row (a difference in opinion about discipline) if the row isn't actually about that at all. Sometimes the subject matter of the row is simply a symptom and the underlying cause is something else (e.g. in this case it could be the fact that neither one of you feels as though the other is really listening).

Thanks for the replies, and sorry I didn't reply sooner.

We had a really long chat the same night as I posted and listened to what each other had to say. Things aren't perfect but we understand where each other's coming from a bit better. And we're working on the rest so I think it'll be okay.

Attilla, yes I do post from time to time over on the special needs board - the whole diagnosis and understanding it all is still quite new, and stressful but we're starting to get help. Probably puts things on edge that little bit more than they would be, but again, we're getting there.