DH is so unhappy. I'm worried about him

[MuddyMum]

DH is 53 and we have 11 month old. DH has been really down in the dumps (severe) over the past few weeks. He says he feels that this (baby, hard work etc) is all that his life has turned into. I feel the same at times, esp when lacking sleep. But he is really struggling to cope. I think he feels trapped and frustrated. (I find it hard too, but try not to show it as it makes DH worse). I do really love my hubbie and our little DS. How can I help him and any suggestions?

Will he talk to your GP? He sounds depressed - don't know how he'd feel about taking anti-depressants/counselling but he needs some professional help, from the sound of things. You have my sympathy - it's hard living with someone who's depressed.

could he be suffering from depression? it is possible for men to get PND too, and i guess in the same time frame as mums which is upto 2 years from birth

My dh has also been down of late. He feels overwhelmed with childcare and the daily grind. What would help him greatly is work outside the home. He's an actor and that has been thin on the ground lately.

Does your dh have a job he enjoys. Perhaps he has a hobby. My dh likes fishing.

I sympathise with you. Perhaps things will ease when the baby gets older. Can you find a babysitter and go out for a meal or something together and try not to talk about the kids? Men can miss out on a wifes attention when there are babies around. I know my dh does and it's completely natural and understandable.

Good luck muddy.

My dh and I are older parents and my dh goes through the same emotions. Guess he saw his wonderful retirement sail off down the swanny! I call him selfish to be so self obsessed, what could be more wonderful than a lovely baby boy, yeah I know, a good nights sleep and the occasional lie in.

Well ds is here now to stay so he will just have to get over it, midlife crisis and no peace and quiet.

Oh Tenalady. That's exactly as my DH feels. In fact he said last night he's got 20 years left and he'll be working all of those.
Spidermama, I'm going to have to find a baby sitter. I think I've missed the clues like, "the baby always gets kissed before Daddy" - so it's probably my fault really.
As for depression, I'm pretty sure he is - but trying to get him to see that is another matter.
I took him out into the summerhouse last night to get us 'out of the house' - it was nice - a sense of relief, but he just can't talk without being abrupt and cold.
I just feel so numb.

I understand what you are going through like everyone says getting him out is the key.Doing out of the ordinary daily grind things sorts mine out.We joined a gym and that seemed to have helped as it also has a spa pool which is so relaxing we seem to laugh a lot more and stress a lot less nowadays.

Do you have anyone you could leave DS with for a weekend ? Maybe a weekend break would help ? Or what about a holiday with childcare (like Mark Warner ?) DS would love it and you and dh would get the break you need.

Do you do much fun stuff together as a family ?

Although your DS is still quite young - you can easily cart him around to things that DH enjoys doing - in fact it's easier now than when he gets bigger. I can empathise with how your DH feels really - it does just seem a drudge and hard work to me a lot of the time and I feel that dd dominates my life - and dare i say it on here - has stopped me doing things with my life - but at the end of the day it's my own apathy that's stopping me - and I occassionally have to give myself a shake and remind myself of that, then we get up and go and invariably dd enjoys whatever it is that we do ! If you did a Mark Warner holiday you could go sailing, diving, wind-surfing etc and enjoy nice dinners while ds was being watched over.

What does dh like doing ?

Dh is a keen road cyclist - so a bit of a solo hobby. He is getting more into surfing, and I suggested we go out, esp in the good weather, as DS and I can do beach stuff. I need to get him to laugh and I seem to have lost the ability to joke and muck around as I used to - just becaue I'm plain exhausted.
I think I'm gonna have to do surprise get away with childcare somewhere....suggestions?

You all need a holiday - with childcare !!

I can recommend Mark Warner - but I've only done skiing with them ! There are some good recommendations on the "find the best" section here at Mumsnet - go back to homepage and it's omn the lists on the left.

Am absolutely with you re. forgetting how to have fun - I can't remember the last time I had a proper laugh ! Have been constsntly tired for almost 6 yrs now - had PND for 3 yrs - then came back to work and now knackered from the frantic rushing and drudge of life !

Hope you can find a nice break and that it cheers dh up !

Could you maybe do nice little things too - like text him more often, buy him little pressies, cook his favourite dinner etc - sometimes it's the little things that mean the most. Breakfast in bed and a nice long lie in would do it for me every time !

Large bottle of wine. Small pair of knickers. Your favourite song on the stereo. Show him you still fancy him and see him as something other than the father of your child. Sometimes men (and all of us) need a bit of pampering. Good luck.

Engraved on my mind is the small pair of knickers! OMG he'll go blind! I'm going to try to break the ice with some giggles and the reason I'm posting this again is so that some of you may give me some short-term ideas, whilst I conjure up the holiday.
Muddy x

short term giggles? er... um... get HIM to wear the knickers? er, maybe not. I'm useless which is probably why I'm a single parent - er... how about a funny movie? God that is such a crap idea but didn't want you to go unanswered - someone must have an idea !!!!?????