When someone who conforms tries to stop

[theredhen]

Why does it cause so much upset?

So if you're the sort of person who fits in, accommodates others and their behaviours, when you try and change, everybody kicks up a stink.

I've seen it in friends and I can see it in myself.

Various reasons. Nasty people don't like losing their doormat, insecure people worry the change is to do with them, fellow conformists feel you're criticising them, old friends feel they're losing the "you" that they know and good friends worry that something is wrong. Family get annoyed that you won't fulfil your role anymore.

In what way are you stopping conforming?

My experience seems to be that (depends on what decisions it is you are making which mean you are no longer conforming) people assume difference = judgment. If you're doing things differently, you're judging them for their way. Especially if it's a new change.
Also, their conscience. I have made some choices not to do things because of my morals (what I eat, what I wear, where I shop). I don't advertise these choices because they attract, bizarrely, a lot of criticism. I think a mixture of what I already mentioned plus an inability or unwillingness to analysis their own decisions is responsible. Maybe they even resent the fact someone lives, in part, how they wish they were brave enough to live.

My gran even told me I would be sectioned because of one of these choices. She had a friend like me, and they "went crazy". She's just not familiar with it and instead of seeking any understanding, attacks it.

Be careful for people who seem to be interested, but are just out fir an argument. I regularly get drawn in to arguments about some things because I stupidly answer questions. They're trying to "catch me out". Why am I on trial? They're picking faults with a choice I've made that harms no one/thing. It's especially hurtful if, like me, you're easily upset and quite sensitive. I won't even discuss my "non-conforist" life choices with people I don't trust. I used to think they wanted to learn. Most don't. Just to tell you how wrong you are.

Whoops quite a negative post!

Perhaps a simple reason is part of it - because being an accommodator makes it easy for everyone else to behave however they want.

There's been a significant issue recently where I wanted to go away for three nights with my ds without my dsc and my dp and my dp really didn't like it and it has made me feel very resentful for the sacrifices I already make in our home life. I feel everything sails along nicely as long as I conform to my dp's and dsc wants and needs.

Then there's silly little things like getting into a habit over making the tea at work at a certain time. When I get fed up with being taken for granted and stop doing it, people comment on me "being funny". So again unless I do what is expected, I am somehow in the "wrong". Of course it doesn't matter than no one else makes tea at that time, only me.

I suppose if a person allows a situation to develop where everyone else seems to think its a normal situation, when you make a change, it feels uncomfortable for them.

The trouble is, I end up feeling guilty for not doing what others expect, even though I know I am entitled to put my needs first sometimes too.

It sounds like people take advantage of you. They get annoyed when you stop letting them because they know you respond to that and it brings you back into line. They have power over you and they don't want to lose it.

Maybe your way of changing the situation is a bit passive aggressive? I don't mean that in a very critical way, just that rather than saying "I always make the tea, I'd like someone else to do it today, how about you?" you have just stopped making it, which might make people wonder why. Have you had a conversation with your DP about wanting one to one time with your DS? You could look into Love Bombing for reinforcement as to why this is positive. However if your 'conforming' means being a bit of a doormat and allowing others to be selfish, you might have to expect a certain negativity to changing, if they don't have sufficient regard for your needs. Within your relationship at least that would need a major discussion.

With regards to the tea, I can see that my dealing with it could be seen p. a. But I do struggle with why stopping doing it is more of a problem than never starting it in the first place. No one complains about the one who has never made the tea but people think it's ok to complain to the one who has done it often for a long time. I don't think my mindset is like that. I would just feel guilty for letting someone else do it all the time.

As for the relationship, yes we are having lots of discussions.

Oh sorry definitely misunderstood the sort of things you meant. My response was more based on lifestyle choices.

All the same sounds like people take advantage of you. If I noticed someone stopped doing something they normally do (like making tea) I think all it'd do to me is make me worry I had taken advantage of them without realising "Uh oh. She always makes the tea. I hope she isn't upset with us/me". Then I can see why someone would ask if you're okay (feeling a bit guilty). I would find it difficult to say why, too. I would opt for saying I was cutting down on tea, or something. Maybe that's a lazy way to do it? Oh well! They can make their own tea.

My mum is in a similiar situation. She's taken advantage of for baby sitting and other things by siblings because she's always done it. She told my oldest sibling, in the new year, politely, sorry but my new years resolution is "x y z" (in this case, that she makes plans 24 hours in advance so no she cannot babysit with only a few hours notice). They still try and do it but then when she declines they "remember" what she said.

I used to be confident and outspoken regarding my beliefs but now, last few years, I have been called, and recognise myself as, a doormat, I feel so angry, this isn't me, I have been in two violent abusive relationships and I think as a result of these I have shut up and stopped pressing my point, BUT I have many points to press, BUT people expect me to be compliant and agreeable, GRRRRR, how do I get the real me to shake off this fake skin of BLAH that I've been wearing for so long? It is so uncomfortable.

It's like squashing out the real you because other people create conflict if the real you comes to the surface.

Nobody likes conflict, so you do more and more squashing if you're with the wrong people.

I'll give it to you from the other point of view. I've never conformed, always done my own thing. On the plus side I live life on my terms and am very comfortable in my skin. On the downside the people I would call friends are very few in number and I frequently have criticisms levelled at me that I am 'wilful', 'selfish', 'harsh' .. In short, you don't win any popularity contests being assertive and, if you have opinions or you don't roll over, others are going to take exception. But you do win the best prize of all.... your self-respect. :)

You are not conforming though are you?

You are doing what other people want you to do because it makes their life easier. Thats not conforming, that being taken for granted.

They dont like it because it means that they have to realise that a) they are being selfish and b) they will have to do whatever it was you were doing, themselves. Far easier for them to lay the guilt trip on you until you fall back into line.

I cant comment on the issue with your DP, I have to be honest that I wouldnt consider anytime away with just my own child and not the family children, unless it was a special thing that only one child wanted to do. But regards making the tea, your co-workers dont want to do it themselve and expect you to do it, so dont.

I think a lot of it is habit.

People expect certain things and ways of doing things and when they don't happen, they are taken aback and have to change, like you said. People don't like that. It takes time to adjust.

If you are doing things that actually are an advantage for the other person, if they're doing to lose something or have to go to trouble themselves, it's even harder.

It's even more difficult if you're older and happen to be set in yoru ways and someone starts doing things differently.

The good news is that usually after a while people adjust to the new way of doing things and it becomes the new status quo.

And yes, you are entitled to put your needs first sometimes. It's a balance with most people, balancing their own needs and other peoples, but their own needs should not come last!

I also have never conformed. Never made the tea the same time for the same people; always like to change things just for the sake of it. Yes, you do get called harsh [and I'll add 'but fair' to that]...but I have more friends now than ever - mainly because they know what they are getting and often you can find like-minded people who are just as non-conformist back. That's the sort of person I prefer to spend time with anyway so it all works out fine.

It can be difficult to try acting out of your own interests when it doesn't suit other's whoever they are. But it's worth doing because it can be wake up call for the role's we sometimes slip into and it lets us know how people feel and think about us.

I've been one who let's things slip by in the past but I made a decision to get a little more selfish and, whilst it makes some who know me a little uncomfortable, it does at least feel like I'm more in charge of my life. They'll adapt, they'll have to!