DH always fighting with his family

[DizzyKipper]

I've written before about trouble I've had with my inlaws (see here, well DH doesn't always get on with them that much better! It seems every few months or so another fight breaks out between them (usually between him and MIL and one of my SILs). After a heated exchange that began from MIL trying to have a dig about FIL's gf DH is apparently now dead to MIL and we'll never be hearing from her again. He's also been cut off by his pregnant sister who's not going to allow anyone to even tell us when our nephew is born (she's 38 weeks).

It's not just down to them, part of it is DH is a bit like a bull in a china shop when trying to deal with family issues. He gets verbally aggressive and tbh can really be heavy handed in the way he goes about addressing them. Most of the time to me the issues just aren't worth creating the stress about, but he can't seem to stop himself. The fights are usually down to one of them saying something (which tbh is usually them saying something judgemental, passive-aggressive, lying etc.), DH jumping on it and being very forthright (coincidentally a trait his mum tried to raise in all her kids...), and all hell then breaking loose (with them inevitably believing - and telling him - that he is an evil, vile and nasty person who constantly has a go at them when they've not done anything wrong). I accept that they'll never actually believe they've done anything wrong and have also told DH that he will NEVER win and so there's no point in trying. His mum believes her own lies and makes SIL believe them too. All that he says just gets twisted round to make him look like a bad person and is just further proof to them of how horrible he is (and coincidentally, how horrible I am - because apparently it all stems from me!).

I'm sure at some point in the future we'll start speaking to them again (ball is in their court afaic), but I just don't want this to keep happening. I've had enough and I don't want this vile and toxic way of relating to one another to affect my children (I'm also 8 weeks pregnant). I'm also getting sick of always having to be there to try to keep DH from going overboard. I do try to mediate in that I know he can go overboard and say some pretty harsh things, so I do damage limitation as much as possible - I'll ask him whether he really wants to get involved, I tell him when something is really harsh and he's going to regret it, I try to stop him from saying those harsh things which I know are just going to cause hurt feelings and more anger. I'll empathise with him, let him have his vent, give him advice, ask him to wait until he's calm before responding. Essentially I just want him to stop and think, to get some perspective on whether it's really worth it before the whole thing blows up. I'm honestly just losing the energy for it though. I'm sick of the fights. I'm sick of having to try to stop him from saying things he'll regret when the truth is I struggle not to hate the woman. I'm sick of being thought of as some evil person who just married DH because I apparently wanted to ruin his relationship with his family.

I don't know what to do though. I know at some point we'll start talking to them again, it's inevitable. You can't control other people, the only person who I think can really help this situation is DH by learning to not get involved, to pick his battles and not constantly get roped into the drama. He tries but he doesn't know how though, and I can't help him. He hates it, he's so unhappy. He broke down last night, it's the first time I've ever known him to cry. He feels bad about himself, he blames himself. Everything they say to him cuts him, I know it's breaking his heart and seeing what they're doing to him is just making me so bitter and angry. I worry about what it is going to do to him, how all of this will effect him when his mum has died and he's left with these bitter memories - I know how much it's going to hurt him. I just want him to be ok, but other than being there and doing what I feel is right what can I do?

You likely come from a family where thankfully such familial dysfunction like you have seen is thankfully unknown. However, the "usual" ways of dealing with such people does not work because they are dysfunction and emotionally unhealthy. The rule book thus goes out the window. What you have tried has not worked either and I would seriously limit all contact with them as of now.

Stop mediating and trying to limit damage as well; it does not do any good at all. Also they started the arguments and engineer it so that your man looks like the scapegoat all the time. People like his mother and sister never apologise nor even accept any responsibility for their actions. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; I would argue that your man's role to them is one of scapegoat.

Toxic people always but always want the last word. Disengage from such people entirely.

You do not have to start talking to these people again, you would not tolerate any of this from a friend and family are truly no different.
If these people cannot or will not behave they do not get to see any of you. End of. Your as yet unborn child needs positive role models; not people who are more than happy to do his/her parents down all the time. They would soon start on your child given the opportunity and encourage your child to keep secrets from you as his/her parents. Their nastiness really holds no bounds.

I would suggest your DH reads Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward and you read Toxic Inlaws by the same author. He should also consider seeing a counsellor - but one that has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Counsellors also are like shoes, he needs to find someone that fits so the first one he sees may not actually be suitable. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

There is another thread on here today where a poster is talking about her marriage coming to an end due, in part, to the hideous relationship between her PIL/DH.

She pushed him to have contact and they are ruining her life/marriage.

let your H deal with it as he sees fit and support him. he knows them better than you and you don't know what kind of can of shite you are opening.

Toxic parents book is a good start.

What can you actually do?

If he is willing then try To Get him To have some counselling so that he can break the patterns in his own mind, not that this is his fault, for his own benefit.

Nothing will change unless he changes it. That's not an easy thing To do when he's been raísed to be their whipping boy.

How about some self help books, I'm not up To date with what's available and good but I'm sure someone else on here could recommend some. He really is the only person who can change the sitúation, but he needs To be able To see what they are and what they are doing clearly, then be able To take a step back like he's merely observing a circus act rather be involved.

Mum?! Is that you?

Ah no, you're pregnant and your FIL is still alive. I sympathise, my dad's large family is just as you describe. One of them will pick a fight with him over nothing in particular and the next thing they have all divided into warring factions. Three of them will gang up together and send him abusive texts calling him a bully and a vile person, and the ones "on his side" will shrug and say "I told you not to get on X's bad side.."

Eventually they forgive him and it turns out to have been mum's fault all along for not making him see sense and go along with whatever the family wanted. My dad is always the scapegoat, but he doesn't help by running back as soon as they need him for something (they never WANT him, but they do need him...) and when he gets into it with them he never can pick his battles or leave well enough alone.

I don't know what you can do. Disengage as much as possible, and just leave him go. You're not helping by getting stuck in, even if you think you moderating the feud. They'll always come back to him because he is family, but they won't tolerate that of you. He will keep going back too, because they are family and because of the FOG etc, but I suppose my sibs and I are proof that you can raise your children to be aware that this kind of exhausting drama is not normal for everybody, though it may be normal for him. Get as much exposure to your nice, normal, functional family as possible, and limit the opportunities your DH's family have to poison your children's upbringing.

Thankyou everyone who responded. When DH came in yesterday I asked him about it and he says that's it, he no longer wants anything to do with the "arseholes" - which means no more MIL and SIL1, still contact with SIL2 and BIL if they're interested in it. I've said it's up to him, if he doesn't want to see/speak to them we won't, if he later decides he wants to we will.
He won't read books as he's just not into reading but I'll mention counselling - it has been bought up before due to his anger issues.

The anger is very much part of how he's been treated in the past. He has a good reason to be angry.

Main point being that this is as a result of SOMETHING THAT WAS DONE TO HIM, not BY him.

his anger is a reaction, not necessarily a personality flaw.

Good for you for supporting him, that will really help.

The Stately Homes thread on Relationships is a great place where you can garner support for yourself and for him if needed.

YY To anger being a reaction rather than part of his personality.