need a bit of a kick up the backside -- dealing with separation wobbles (long, sorry)

[desperatelyseekingsolace]

Oh wise ones.... someone gee me up a bit...

H and I agreed to separate two and a half weeks ago. Have posted about it before on here (he has had emotional affair, drinks too much, won't share marital bed but wants sex, has helped only sporadically with childcare pickups etc etc).

I don't have any real doubts that I'm doing the right thing. Feeling cautiously optimistic about the future, although its tough now and I'm mourning the end of something I've invested so much time in and obviously worried about my DD. I'm not heartbroken and I'm far from being broken. I still haven't told anyone other than one friend who is going through the same thing but I have lots of close friends who I know will support me when I do, I am financially solvent and own my own home.

But last night for the first time I felt really wobby... heard H telling his mum on the phone it was over and it seemed so final. Suddenly came home to me that I'm a single mum, facing (potentially) the rest of my life on my own and that my DD is going to suffer. Situation is not helped by the fact that for logistical/financial reasons H can't leave for at least another six weeks. We are on relatively cordial terms (as much as can be expected given what's happening) and him hanging around longer than I would like is the price I'm willing to pay for good relations for our daughter and for making the process as smooth as it can be.

I'm not wobbling in my resolve. I just want some advice about feeling good about this on a day to day basis and in particular in not internalizing it and making it an indictment that I'm fundamentally unlovable or undeserving of love -- something I know from previous break-ups that I'm very prone to do.

At the moment I feel quite free and in control but I wonder if its a false dawn and the real pain has yet to break over me and I really want not to get into a negative feedback loop of being horribly self-critical about the end of my marriage and what it says about me.

'Free and in control' is what it's about - your relationship didn't end because you were unlovable, it ended because your partner was a self centred, lazy waste of space. Life unfolds a day at a time and that's the way to tackle it - none of us know what the future holds but being happy 'now' is the best way of ensuring happiness tomorrow, next week, next year... You may be single forever (though the odds are against it) but if you are happy as you are, that won't matter. One day at a time!

walkacrossthesand thanks....

I realize, particularly reading threads on here, that I'm very lucky compared to a lot of women coming out of long-term relationships and should really count my blessings which is what I'm trying to do as much as possible. I know that the stars are aligned for a good future with my DD if I do the right thing and that I will move heaven and earth to make her happy.

But I still have occasional moments of feeling I'm looking into the abyss and that I've visited his s* behaviour on myself. I am going to try to get therapy (will be difficult as I work long hours) but I need other people to tell me I'll be alright too.

So thanks. Every little helps :)

I am in no position to give advice (going through marriage breakdown, h refuses to leave). This situation takes ALOT of strength. Its one hell of a roller coaster.

However, I think you should read what you have said and note how much a great mother you sound. You are showing your daughter how important respect is and you will clearly do what ever it takes for her to have the best possible upbringing.

I know what you mean about the thoughts of being alone. You sound a lovely person and when the time is right, I'm sure, a great guy (who deserves you) will cross your path (and if he's got a brother can you send him my way?!)

Best of luck for the future

thanks houmous I have been following your thread as well and I know what a rubbish time you've been having. And by the way I'm really impressed with the way you're dealing with it now.

At the end of the day the thing that's really galvanised me into dealing with this is not wanting my DD to grow up thinking its normal for women to be treated like this. I could bimble along like this indefinitely but I'm buggered if I'm having her treated like this. And its that which keeps me focused on getting out.

At the moment the thought of being alone is fine. Its just the hereafter, if you know what I mean. The prospect of being alone after DD moves out etc. If that's what has to happen, though, bring it on. Better happy and alone than dealing with this until the end of my life.

Anyway, thanks and good luck with your situation.

desperatelyseeking just wandering past and wanting to tell you you're doing fine. I left a dead-end borderline EA relationship last summer. I have two girls and I'm teaching them through my actions about being respected in a relationship. Therapy is a great idea. I also work rubbish hours but am seeking counselling. Life is settling down rather nicely. Just 'allow' yourself to feel whatever you feel. You probably haven't done that for a while. Look after yourself

Hi Desperatelyseekingsolace, I don't know you but it certainly sounds to me like you are coping just fine.
I too have realised its the end of my marriage and like you H is still at home. We are not even speaking and haven't for ages now. He is a moody self centered, lazy individual with a drink problem.
But, like you I've wondered if I'm going to be okay, I've thought about what spending the rest of my life alone would be like....and you know what, as long as you are happy your DD will be just fine. Better to be alone and happy with a very well balanced DD, than in a relationship which you suspect will not teach her how to be in a good relationship.

As I have a DS, I am looking at it slightly differently. My H should be setting an example of how to treat a woman, instead he's teaching him how to be disrespectful and treat women like slaves. NO MORE i say!

We live the life we feel we deserve.....I deserve better and so do you!

Go for it, stay strong and try and take each moment as it comes. Live in the now.
Oh and when my H leaves please say those words back to me!

Love to all
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thanks all.
Myfairone I will do that.
Also just want to say this site has literally been a life-saver for me. Its helped me move from nagging doubt to confrontation to acceptance that my marriage is over, not painlessly by any means, but with remarkable speed and resolve and without feeling totally alone.

Just seeing so many other people go through the same or similar situation and come through the other side has made it bearable. And the tough love from some of you (you know who you are) is just fantastic.

What arrangements have you made with STBXH about residency and visitation? One of the biggest complaints fathers have about life post-split is the lack of meaningful time with their DC (although in many cases it was the lack of meaningful time with the DC pre-split that contributed to the breakup ). Can you use that to your advantage to create a win-win situation for you, him and DD? He can spend quality time with her everyday while you use that time purely to reaffirm yourself in some way, whether it's visiting a friend, going for a walk or run, seeing a counsellor to raise your self-esteem - it doesn't matter what as long as it's productive time for you that makes you feel better about yourself.

Good luck.

Dahlen
We're in the process of sorting this out -- he's trying to find somewhere to live which is a) close to here b) accessible for his job and c) close to his local (yes that was an issue in our relationship before you ask). Once he has done that we can then talk specifics on this but until he has somewhere to live and is settled I'm not going to get into the weeds too much about planning overnight visits. I want to see the place before I agree to this and in the short term most of it is likely to take place here. This is another reason I'm trying to keep things as friendly as possible.

Part of the agreement is that he will do much more of the heavy lifting in terms of picking her up after nursery and bringing her home he was pretty crap in that department I would like him to start maybe bringing her back to his new place for a couple of hours before bringing her back to sleep here, allowing me to work longer hours and allowing her to settle into the arrangement before an overnight visit takes place.

We're not planning to start divorce proceedings just yet though we will and at this point there seems no need to involve the courts.

If you overheard maybe he wanted you to hear. He has had ample opportunity to do things differently. He may hope you will relent. If he has any inkling how you felt after previous break ups he will exploit this.

For a change, think "Me first". You've been a DW and you'll always be a DM. You are probably used to putting others first. When you look in the mirror as you get ready in the morning, and as you get ready for bed at night, tell your reflection, "I deserve..." and think of something.

Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family will help.

Yes at some point in the future DD will fly the nest. By then I hope you are altogether happier than you have been.

Just be wary of looking too far ahead. Live for now.

And don't neglect the positives of the past.
Any place that meant a lot to you in your childhood or teens that you'd like to introduce DD to? Plan a visit, the two of you.
Any hobby or pastime you used to enjoy that he poured cold water on and deterred you from doing? Take it up again.

Good for you. If you can keep things amicable and avoid the courts for residency/contact and the CSA for maintenance, it will all be so much better. So far it sounds as though you're making the best of a difficult situation and handling it very well.

I hope it stays like but IMO one of things IMO you must do is be prepared to stand up to your H if he uses your desire to keep things amicable and your reasonableness against you. Hopefully he won't though.

Donkeys I think he's torn... he knows our relationship isn't working and wants out but he loves DD and knows he has a very comfortable set-up here (probably much more so than he could afford on his own) and knows its going to be harder for him than for me. But I think he knows its gone beyond the point of no return now so I think he wants out as well.

Dahlen I'm not naive enough to assume there won't be fights down the road about money and stuff, but so far so good. One concern in the background is that H is not originally from this country and though he shows no signs of wanting to go back "home" it would worry me if he decided to slope off with no warning. I've made it clear that if he wants to go he should go now rather than dicking DD around for years while he decides what he wants to do. He insists he doesn't want to go so for now I have to take him at his word. Certainly there's not much for him there now...

But I'm the main breadwinner in the household and while I will miss his financial contribution its not as if I would be facing losing the house if he stops paying. I am going to insist that he pays support (and he says he will.) If he did stop paying I would involve the CSA but the bottom line is I don't actually need his money to survive (for which I am very grateful.)

Desperatelyseeking. We are in such similar situations it's freaky! My H is from another country too and I've had to ask the question whether he plans to go home. He has said no and therefore my other concern is if he wants to visit family with DS. I do not feel comfortable with that at all.

I'm laughing too because H has a favourite pub and I'm sure his reason for needing to find somewhere close is so he's not too far from his loser drinking buddies.

I also feel that H has come to realise I'm serious and is now sulking because he's realised he has to go. Like your H he has a great home here and will miss the comforts (even though he's never had a good word to say about any home improvements I've made)

I'm glad you're financially stable so that at least that's one less worry.

I really feel for you and hope your days will start to get easier for you.

Thinking of you
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