Need some advice

[heavenknowsimmiserable]

I have decided this weekend after husband didn't return home until 2 pm on Saturday and just got in an hour ago, I cannot be with him any longer. The sad thing is, he's not even with an ow. He is drinking and taking drugs, and knows I will not have it in my home so sleeps it off in the car. I am so sad. Tried to get him to get help and he was seeing a support service for a bit, but he reckons he is just too good for that given he is holding down a ft job.

My difficulty is that he will not leave. I have told him I'd like him to go many times. He says he will not leave without a bit of paper telling him to - so he can show that to our son as to why he left.

My parents own our house. They are going to sign it over to me at some point. We pay all the property costs

Sorry - my phone. Right, we pay property costs, but have fortunately not had to pay rent. He puts about half what I do into a joint account to pay childcare and bills etc as I earn double what he does.

We have no formal tenancy agreement. Please can you tell me: can I get him out? Should I start divorce proceedings? I cannot stay with this man who is not able to seek help. I need some advice though, who can I turn to? Should I call a solicitor this morning?

Don't get them to sign it over until you are divorced. With his name not on a lease, just change the locks whilst he is sleeping it off in the car.

Yes I would call a Solicitor this morning if you can and get proper legal advice asap.

May I ask how old your son is?. Depending on his age he may well have a very good understanding of what his dad is like, he has certainly seen how his dad has mistreated you (and by turn him).

You've told your H before that you'd like him to leave but it seems that you never followed through properly on this. That has made him till now think that you are not serious.

Many such inadequate men as well refuse to leave (that's also done to further exert power and control) but they are not above the law and he can be removed in a legal framework.

At least you have finally realised you cannot help or rescue someone who does not want to be saved. He never wanted your help.

Our son is two. I am pregnant. Since we found out I was pregnant it's been horrendous. He says he is scared of the responsibility. I fucking hate him. I have nothing to say to him. I need him out of my life. I am scared how much it's all going to cost. I'm also ashamed as my son is very unkeen on his faher and I know it's because of our awful dynamic. I feel so guilty.

Can I really just change locks? What about our jointly owned car - it's in his name. Do I just say goodbye to the car? I use it to get to work. But will let go if I need to.

Definitely talk to a solicitor and tell your parents not to sign anything over to you until the divorce is settled. In the meantime, ask him to leave and don't take no for an answer. Be persistent.

Does he have any right to be there at the birth of our child? God knows he was no help with our first.

AFAIK he doesn't have the right to be there at the birth of your child and if he tried to force you into allowing him there that would be abusive.

It must be impossible to think clearly under these circumstances, and I really feel for you. I know that you have a hundred questions, and MNers are often able to answer these from personal experience, but I really hope you are going to phone a solicitor TODAY, as you really do need to find out what to do in the short term.

Are your parents able to help you financially if the solicitor's time is beyond your budget at present?
If you are short on funds, don't discount the Citizens' Advice Bureau. I had always assumed that CAB was an unfeasibly long waiting list, but in desperation I called them recently about a problem with a slightly unhinged ex partner of my DHs. They saw my DH the next day. I was really astonished.

One thing I'm fairly sure of: labouring women are entitled to have the birthing partner of their choice, and you are not the first person to want someone other than the father. The midwives will block him if necessary (though it sounds rather as though he'll wander off and get stoned without too much provocation anyway).

He doesn't have any right to be there for the birth. You will just need to let the midwives caring for you know not to admit him when you go in in labour.

I am heartbroken. I dont Know what to do. He is leaving packing a bag. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

The suddenness of him going will make you feel bad. Try to remember why you wanted him to leave though. Read through your thread again.

Do you have someone you can talk to tonight?

Deep breaths.

Just hold on to why it's for the best.

Fast forward to him sleeping in the bloody car whilst you're indoors breast feeding a newborn.

Be strong. Have you got someone who can come over to you?

Hiding your hand

• holding!!

Oh god. I feel so scared. I don't have anyone to talk to. My friends are all so busy, best pals are going through ivf and parental ill health cant burden them. I feel so low. Don't feel ready to tell people I've failed at a relationship. I feel so ashamed. Ps mama, you can hide my hand, that sounds quite nice. Thank you.

I've been awake since 2am, so no wonder I can't think straight. Need to get some sleep but have nightmares about work and all of this is going to make it so hard to sleep.

Please don't think your friends are too busy for you at this time. Just imagine how they would feel if they thought you didn't contact them when you needed support because of that. I'm sure your best pals would rather you speak to them than go through this alone. It would actually probably take their minds off their owns problems too, maybe?
Please pick up the phone and call someone.

Also, you have absolutely no need to be ashamed or to feel you have failed. The failure is on his part to step up and be the husband and father that he should be. You have taken the right steps.

I contacted solicitor and they will call back. Hoping tomorrow. I am so angry. I really need a good sleep. Thanks for the help, I will falk to friends but I don't even have the energy for that today!

How are you today? Have you called anyone? I really hope you have. You need and deserve some support.

Re: your solicitors appointment. Please don't tell your H about it. Keep your cards close to your chest. I feel that he will play dirty, so you don't need to be giving him information unless you really need to.

Thank you Agatha, I have had an email from solicitors, but still waiting for the call. The thing is, I potentially have a lot to lose, financially and in terms of security. He, not so much, but is very sad about not seeing our son every day.

Our son is very sad, and can clearly sense some of what is happening.

Husband is very repentant, and feels extremely guilty. He says he needs time to sort himself out, and is not sure how it got this bad. I am having a really rough week at work to top this all. Things are pretty hard at the mo. Have spoken to a few friends today, though, which helped a lot. There is a light at the end of this. Somewhere!

I noticed at the top of the thread that you say he feels external support for his drug use isn't appropriate because he's still holding down a full time job, and then in your most recent post that he needs time to sort himself out and isn't sure how it got this bad.

That's about as perfect an indication that he has no awareness of his own condition as you can get. It sounds as though he is going to need to hit a lower rock bottom before it dawns on him that he is addicted, it doesn't just go away when he wants it to, and his life's not his own any more.

I don't have any knowledge of coping with a break-up with children, and I know you'll get great support from those who do. You are without question doing the right thing asking him to leave, as he doesn't sound ready to stop. I think you know that, but you can never have too much reassurance...

I'm so sad and don't know how I'm going to get through today. I am hormonal on top, everything is too much. I asked my best friend to come over for dinner one day this week and she can't as she is going on holiday on the weekend. This feels like a massive rejection on top of my husband rejecting me and chosing alcohol.

Normally I would be able to just carry on, but this just feels like a crushing blow that my own friend couldn't be with me at this time.

I too think my husband needs to hit 'rock bottom', and god knows how much of his life he will waste getting there. I'm so disappointed and angry.

Don't take your friends decision too personally. Could you perhaps visit her, or could she come over for a coffer, rather than dinner? Phone your other friends too, and your family.

You will get through this.