It's over. I ended it.

[Frostybean]

I ended my three year relationship. Finally. After lots of advice on here, I told him that his coldness, drinking, debts and lack of attention had killed any love I had for him. He was devastated.

Most people know and seem to accept that he wont change (he thinks he can and has asked me to reconsider). I feel relieved but I also feel like such a bitch to finish with him while he's in such a state.

Im not sure why Im posting really but wanted to get it out. He says Ive abandoned him in exactly the same way that his ex wife did. God I feel terrible but I know I had to do it.

Don't feel terrible or bitch-like. Took a lot of courage to say what you said and sounds like it was a) accurate and b) long overdue. Promises to change, accusations of abandonment - had any hints of suicide yet? - are all fairly standard guilt-trip tactics. Is he leaving? Are you?

Thanks Cogito we don't live together (see previous comments regarding debt and gambling) so at least we are apart. Ive had the grand gesture but I held my resolve and said he could seek help if he wanted to but that wouldn't get me back. No suicide threat yet thank goodness just a 'poor me' message on a regular basis. I did the right thing didn't I? The relief is quite strong.

If you feel relieved then yes, it's the right thing.
If his Xw left him for the same issues then it's not a new problem, or one he can apparently address.

If you think it was the right thing, it was probably the right thing. If you feel relieved, that adds weight to it. My observation is that, if you take the initiative and 'own' the decision, the recovery time is shorter than if you'd had a split imposed. Probably best to cut off his opportunities to send more 'poor me' messages... you don't need those.

Yes, Im keeping all communication brief and neutral which seems to be working. He is making a (public) show at the moment of not drinking - the least of his problems, although at least its a start.

Public shows, grand gestures, whatever. The next part of the cycle is usually to drop the 'poor me' stuff and get nasty or go on the offensive. ... and then use that as a rationale to go back to old habits. 'It's because of you that I'm drunk again!' Very predictable, sadly.

Cogito you were right. Over the past week I've had gift and flowers delivered with loving messages and then when this didn't win me back, he's asked why I don't want to be with him as he's not a psycho (sorry if that word offends anyone, just quoting him) or a bad man and he doesn't understand what he did wrong. He says he can't remember why I ended it now.
EirikurNoromaour Yes, I think it's his lack of self-awareness in that he's known about these issues for years (at least ten) but has done nothing to address them.
I think I may have to de-friend him on FB if he keeps on messaging me multiple times a day. It's exhausting.