How would you cope emotionally?

[happybubblebrain]

I've been crying a bit lately. I realise my problems might not seem that big to others, but some of them are problems that have been going on for years so I'm beginning to feel beaten down by them.

(1) In a nutshell my family have always been emotionally abusive and I have always been treated as the reject and ganged up on. There has been extreme favourtism over the years towards my sister (who I haven't seen for a long time). My parents never stop telling me about how fantastic her life is, just to rub my nose in the fact that they've given everything to her. I’m sick of being the family scapegoat. And lately they have been doing the same with the grandkids, so I've been worrying about the effect on dd. So a month ago I decided I'd had enough, I told them this but I'm now really worried about their next move. My dad is a manipulator and I’m sure he is doing his best to turn extended family members against me or make them think I'm not sane -he's always done this but I'm sure it's being ramped up now. I'm living in fear

(2)My ex was abusive. I could write a book about the things he's done and said to me but they don't seem as hurtful as the things my family have done. I put up with him for dd's sake. He still comes round to visit dd, when it suits him, although he has never supported her in any way. Tonight he announced that he was going on holiday soon. So I asked him how he can afford a holiday but he can't afford to support his daughter. He does work. He got angry and started shouting abuse, then left. I stayed calm. I hardly ever bring up the subject of him not supporting his daughter because he always says he has no money, but obviously that isn’t true. Next week there will be something else, it’s endless problems with him, well over 7 years worth. Sometimes he disappears for months on end and life is a little bit easier. I realise it's partly my fault for picking such a person in the first place, but my self-esteem has always been pretty low and I was in a daze from problem (1) when I met him.

(3)My grandma died last week. I’ve been really sad about it. I can't go to the funeral because of reason (1) and because I wouldn't have a babysitter.

(4)My job has been very, very stressful for over a year. Standards constantly being raised, constantly being undervalued, pay has been the same for 9 years now.

I don't think I'm depressed but I am feeling pretty sad today. I’m completely unsupported, I’ve only ever had the opposite of support from the people around me. I do have some good friends but I don’t like to bother people too much with my issues. I think I have a lot to cope with emotionally, or am I being over-sensitive? I don't know, because I've always been an emotional person. Have I brought all this on myself? Does anyone have any advice on how to cut down the stress caused by the above, or solutions to any of my problems. Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

Go and see a therapist. Psychodynamic therapy is best IMO for your situation. Consider going no contact with that awful family of yours. And NO NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!! You can change your internal suffering but only YOU can do it. Go and talk with an experienced therapist. The crap you believe about yourself will mostly float away.

I think that's a huge amount of stress personally. It took guts to stand up to your family but it's stressful to be assertive. A bereavement is incredibly upsetting (and FWIW I think you should take your DC to gran's funeral, pay your respects and then leave at the earliest opportunity). Your ex sounds like an arse and I think that you need to clip his wings legally rather than letting him take advantage of the fact that you want DD to have a relationship with him. CSA, solicitor, whatever it takes. It's not your fault for picking him but let the professionals deal with him rather than keep letting him hurt you.

Finally, the job... this could be the time to look around for something new. Could add to the stress but I think you need to feel in control of something. And a trip to the GP shouldn't be ruled out. Depression is not a sign of weakness, it's often a sign of someone who's trying to cope with too much.

Sorry about your Grandma . For this I would book an appointment with a therapist before the date of the funeral and try your best to get a babysitter if you decide to attend. You might not feel this but other family members might see you in a different light no matter what your Father tells them. Your ex.....what a selfish bastard. His long absences are probably or the best by the sounds o things. Wishing you the best and it will get better believe me x

I didn't want to let this hang and others will be along soon.

How old is DD? Is there any reason why ex can't take her out if he wants to see her. Remember, his responsibility is with her not you, so there's absolutely no reason you have to let him across YOUR threshold. Get in touch with the CSA. They can take out DDs maintenance directly out of his wages. Then you'll have a regular amount each month for her needs.

Why are you so worried about your dad? What can he do to ramp things up and has you living in fear?

I'm sorry to hear about your nan. Do you think the sadness you're feeling is key in the way you're feeling about the other issues in your life?

So sorry about all the questions. I think you're probably a bit depressed with all the shit that's going on in your life. How about making an appointment with your doctor to see if there's anything to be offered to help restore your equilibrium? Either anti-Ds or counselling. When the fog of misery starts to lift you will be better set to reset the boundaries that your 'nearest and dearest' are currently trampling all over.

When you feel a bit calmer and in control you could cast around for another job. In fact, if you gave up your job to look after your daughter, received CSA money and topped that up with benefits, you might be better off.

Thanks for your help everyone.

I will look into psychodynamic therapy.

I have had a little bit of counselling about family problems a long time ago and I was told to keep away from my family by the counsellor. I didn't take the advice then because that seemed impossible at that time, but now it is, I think. I'm just worrying about what happens next.

I probably should go to counselling, it's the cost which puts me off. And inspite of having quite low self-esteem I don't think I am the one that needs the counselling - my family and ex do. I don't need to go to the doctor, I'm not depressed, I have coped for a long time and mostly been positive about everything but today I am feeling sad about things especially because my grandma died.

I can't leave dd with the ex. He is abusive, he lies about everything, has alcohol problems etc etc etc. I really don't think that is a possiblity.

Unfortunately there is no way I can go to the funeral. I can't take a child to a funeral surely? She's 7. And I'm bound to be an emotional wreck. I can't get a babysitter for two days as the funeral is a long way away. I can't cope with the thought of being around my family feeling vulnerable. If everyone thinks badly of me for it then there is nothing I can do about that.

I will take look for another job when I feel I can cope with taking on something new, not now though.

I do appreciate everyone's comments. I will think very hard about some of the suggestions. It's good having someone to talk to.

Personally, I think death is part of life and children are quite able to understand & cope with the sadness that a funeral involves. IME children, unlike adults, are very in touch with their emotions. They cry as easily as they laugh and it doesn't frighten or traumatise them. If you tell DCs that people will be upset, you'll be upset, and they are prepared for it then they also learn something from the experience rather than death being this big scary mystery.

No, you can't legislate for what others think about you, but you can choose to ignore it. Unless they are really ignorant types, a funeral is not a place for settling scores.

In any case, I'm glad you're not depressed. If you decide not to go, how about planning to do something nice with your DD on the day? Something that your grandma would have enjoyed perhaps? Remember her in your own way.

This is way too much for one person to carry all alone! Please reconsider talking to your gp about it all.

Other issues:

1. I think it is very important for you to have the chance for a proper farewell to your grandma. There is no reason why your dc cannot go to a funeral; children need to understand about death. I would use it as an opportunity also to draw a line with the rest of your family and never contact any of them again.
2. With regards to your ex, you need to regain some control of the situation. He is an awful role model and this random coming and going will not be good for your dc.. I'd recommend you try to get maintenance enforced and a properly organised contact arrangement.
3. Have a long hard look at your alternative employment prospects. Even if you have to take much lower pay, it would be worth it to be happier. Personally, I'd rather flip burgers than be in the situation you describe.

Look after yourself