Desperately need some advice....

[Myfairone]

Hi everyone,
Not a regular poster on here, however over the years I've read a lot. Actually went through labour with a bunch of ladies on here! Who knew that posting at 3am sitting on a gym ball I would find such wonderful advice.

Well I'd like some more advice please. I feel pretty desperate and pretty awful right now. I have one 6yr old son and a husband with so many issues I don't know where to start.
Over the years its been alcohol abuse, drug abuse, verbal abuse and more recently a mid life crisis. All of the above required me to 'help him', which I dutifully did.

Over the years I've learned that he rarely sticks to any kind of plan to fix anything. We went to couple counselling which 'wasn't for him'. The AA meetings 'weren't for him', the drug counselling...yep you guessed it, 'wasn't for him'.

So here I find myself totally and utterly at the end of my tether. My son is so knowing now and its blatantly obvious to me that my husband is not setting a good example on either the Father front or the Husband front.

Most recently I asked him to leave. For the past 2 years I've been telling him that if he takes drugs again I'm throwing him out, but clearly that threat has now passed and he knows that I 'get over it' every time he does it.

I'm really 100% done now. The mind games, the substance abuse, the moodiness, the alcoholism, the ruined birthdays (mind and DS), never doing anything as a couple, always feeling like a single person, attending family events alone and making up a hundred excuses....i just cannot do it anymore.

I asked him to leave and heard all the usual....he has now said that ' he can't find anywhere to go'. I was insulted that he suggested we make it work as he can't afford to live alone. After years of trying and practically begging his man to get help he now suggests we make it work for money. Sorry, not going to cut it.

Now it feels real and its really happening, Im so incredibly sad. Why am I grieving something which has been truly awful? I thought I would feel elated, but I don't. Im so worried about everything. I'm worried what I'm going to tell my DS. He's a bright kid and won't accept a fluffy answer. Can anyone suggest the best words to use?
I'm worried about money. I'm okay for now but if mortgages start to rise Im buggered.
I'm not sleeping, I can't concentrate, life just feels likes its all going terribly wrong and its only January!

Any words of advice would be much appreciated. Feeling desperately sad and alone and wondering how I'm going to announce it my parents etc.

Arghghghg.

Thanks to anyone who replies.
x

I told my kids (who were v similar age) that Daddy had a problem with alcohol and his behaviour meant that he could not live with us any more. Plus, that I didn't know for how long this might be. They had seen enough to be glad that he was leaving the home, but they still wanted him back and I told them that this was a completely understandable feeling. Your boy will understand at some level. Just don't tell him anything which is not true. Be honest, but don't overload him with detail as he is only six.
You won't regret it. The peace in the house once the addict has left makes such a positive difference to everyone else. Good luck.

And it's your husband's job to sort himself out; as you doubtless know, you can't 'help him'. Typical addict behaviour to shift responsibility and blame on to someone else.

Probably your parents have seen how difficult your life has been with him, and if the reaction is negative, its your life, to live without all this grief. As Hope says, re telling your DS. Also to stress that his dad loves him (if their relationship warrants this).
I think it is normal to grieve in a situation like this. Your are grieving for the ending of hope for your entirely reasonable expectation that your relationship would be good. I did, (and still do sometimes, in a weird way). But logically I know that my life is much happier, and I get better all the time. x

You feel sad because embarking on a marriage is an expression of optimism and hope and ending it means that both have come to nothing. It's regret for the wasted time and the betrayals. It's nervousness about future challenges. However crappy things have become there will have been good times that held you together. He also seems to have the guilt-trip down to a fine art... made you feel responsible for picking up his self-inflicted pieces etc.

But do hold your nerve. The further away you get from him, the better you'll feel about it. Good luck

Hopeclearwater - thank you. I do suspect that my DS will understand more than I think. He is aware that we do things alone a lot and has commented in the past that he likes it when Daddy isn't there. I love your second post as to how the addict is responsible for their behaviour. He has always blamed me for every one of his failings and even though I'm a grown and very sensible woman I still take it on. I've often apologised in situations where deep down I suspect its not right. He's an expert at blame...its always everyone else's fault before his. He went out yesterday for 12 hours and came home completely wasted and guess what....it was because he hasn't been out in ages and he deserves to go out!

Pasrsleythelioness - totally agree. Why am I grieving what has been a very far from good relationship? I think its because I had so many high hopes of what we could achieve. And theres a part of me that still feels we could achieve it if only he wasn't such an addict and a complete and utter dimwit when it comes to relationships. Im so angry at him, however I do appreciate he is an addict and nothing comes before his addictions. Not even his son and myself.

Cogitoergosometimes - Yes its the expectation which has so poorly failed. its the broken dreams and broken promises. We went through a lot to be together (we lived hundreds of miles apart) and for him to just throw it all away is so frustrating. I know that its not just him and i play a part in this as well, but I've been the one trying to fix it and lets face it, its never going to be fixed if both parties are not in agreement. You can take the horse to water bjut you can't make it drink.

he is expert at the guilt trip and its this that worries me for my DS. He often says stuff to make him feel guilty and I worry that it will have an affect. He will ask him if he wants to do something and if DS says no then he will go on about how its not a problem etc...all the while making my son feel bad.

OMG, I just re read what I wrote and realise just how much I need out of this.

I do hope he finds somewhere soon before we all go completely insane! I just want some peace and harmony in my house instead of this nasty toxic
atmosphere.

Think I should tell my parents? I suspect they already know but once its out there theres no taking it back...or am I being silly?

Thanks all.
x

In my case, maybe yours too, I grieved partly because very occasionally I had glimpses of the man my XH could have been had he not chosen a career in arsedom... His choice however, and he had 20 yrs to address it, but nevery did.Very few people are completely unbearable all of the time. This allows room for doubt, which they often capitalise on..

I knew that when I told people, that would make it official...I think I took the decision that there would be no going back for me at that point. Many people had actually seen some of what I had to put up with at that point, so maybe not the shock for them that you think it might be.

You're probably going to have to set a deadline on him moving out. He sounds clingy to put it mildly so you can't afford an open-ended agreement. It's not silly to be reluctant to tell others because, yes, once it's properly out in the open, it's difficult to retract. Can also be a huge weight off your shoulders, of course. Must have been very oppressive keeping his various secrets down the years.

You've both hit the nail on the head. Glimpses of what we could have had, but they have become so few and far between. He does not see that he has 'issues', although in the past has paid me lip service promising to get help etc.
I doubt he'll change anytime soon and its this realisation which has me so sad. In the past there was always the hope that this time he would change...but now I think we both know that he's not.

I feel really sad today after trying to talk to him last night. He just gets sarcastic and nasty and acts like he doesn't care. I know deep down he does but he cannot show it. I can't hang around any longer waiting for him to show me. Its like hes totally devoid of emotion.

Thanks for the answers ladies, I really appreciate it. Just so very hard isnt it. Hopefully once he's left I can get over it in peace and restore harmony to my home.

x

I also left a terrible marriage and felt absolutely shit. all that hope and promise, come to nothing

But it can come to something if you look at why you felt it was your responsibility to consistently prop up him and his addictions. Harsh words maybe (sorry) but you may find it helpful to have a look at codependency . If you should go along to the meetings you will find them populated by swathes of lovely, kind people... who have the fatal flaw of thinking they can love addicts to health and responsibility. Coda may or may not give you everything you need to stride forward into future healthy relationships but it's good to be aware of codependency and how it works. There's usually history eg - primary relationships that followed the same, or similar, pattern. It's also good to get a grasp of the dynamics of a manipulator/addict (and the effect that can have on us eg FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt) so you can take steps to protect not only you but, crucially, your son in the future.

Didn't want to read and run... I'm in a similar, though not identical situation, my H also has alcohol issues though by the sounds of it not as bad as yours and there were other problems.

I just want to say I recognise a lot of what you're going through... I'm also grieving for what could have been even though I know the person I'm with is a shadow of what I had when I was first with him and makes me happy so rarely that it doesn't even begin to compensate for the s stuff he puts me through.. I am scared about the future even though I know* with every rational bone in my body that it will be better.

You don't walk out of a marriage without regret and grief, however bad it is. Its a sign that you're human. But ultimately you can't let it stand in the way of getting your life back.

Best of luck with it...

Springy sofa - bit of a lightbulb moment reading your post. I'm going to check out codependency. I do feel guilty and he is a master with the guilt trips.

Desperatelyseeking. Thank you for understanding. It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow and I can already feel the tears bubbling away waiting to come out. Memories of happier times. Although always tinged with memories of alcohol.
We received a few cards and I put them up to keep up appearances as my Mum is around tomorrow. I know I need to stop pretending but struggling with it all right now.

H is totally ignoring me. Hasn't even looked at me. What's weird is that now he knows I'm serious he's moody with me like this is all my fault because I've told him he has to go. It's all my fault of course.

I'm bouncing between anger and fear at the moment. I know this will pass and I have to stay strong. If I don't then I know I'll find myself in exactly the same position in under a month. He's still not mentioned his 12 hour drink/drug session from Saturday. This relationship is so far from normal.

Sorry for the rant.
X