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Relationships

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Is this a big deal (porn watching question)

9 replies

DCRBye · 26/01/2014 18:59

This is something that happened to me two years ago, but I never knew about this forum back then and you all seem to know everything so I wanted to ask retrospectively whether you thought this was a big deal or not.

My soon to be ex hubby was always a lovely guy, explosive sex life, both very up for it in the bedroom and open to each others fantasies. We had sex 4 - 6 times a week. Sometimes more.

One day a couple of years back was the only thing he ever did that really upset me and I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable or not.

I was quite ill one day with the flu, and I wanted him to come up for a cuddle because I'd been alone in bed all afternoon. I know this might be a bit needy but we were pretty close. He said he wasn't tired and stayed downstairs.

I came down for a drink and he flicked the internet window closed pretty quickly. I asked him if he'd been watching porn and he denied it.

We watched porn together all the time, and usually if he watched it without me he'd be really honest and say "I saw some good porn tonight when you were out", so I believed him.

Next day, for the first time since we met I checked the internet history and found out that over the past month he'd been looking at porn all the time without telling me, and had also done so on the night in question.

Only a few flicks through it, but it really, really hurt me that he'd lied about it. I flicked through porn myself a lot, so it wasn't the act of it that pissed me off, just lying.

What would anyone else think of this?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 19:01

Presumably, if he's a STBXH, the lying is the tip of a bigger iceberg?

AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 19:04

True opinion ? I'd think you were both as bad as one another.

I assume there are other issues though. Did he lie about different things too ?

DCRBye · 26/01/2014 19:07

Cog he had an affair two years later, and I have just asked for a divorce. Looking back historically for other things he has done and this is the only one. Wondering if it was a big deal or not as a standalone issue.

At the time I thought he just lied because I was ill and he didn't want to be insensitive.

OP posts:
DCRBye · 26/01/2014 19:08

Anyfucker, I ever lied to him though.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 19:11

I think excessive porn use is often a gateway to stuff like infidelity

Oh well, hindsight is a wonderful thing

Will you be such an enthusiastic user with your next partner ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 19:12

It's difficult to find evidence of lying after the fact. Especially if they're so casual about it and especially if you were so lusted up that you turned blind eyes rather than asked too many questions.

sykadelic15 · 26/01/2014 19:19

If he was normally open about it, and this time wasn't, I assume he probably felt like a bit of an arse getting himself off when you're upstairs feeling ill (i.e. he was tending to HIS needs and not tending to yours).

You were reasonable to feel upset that he lied about it and given he later had an affair the secrets obviously got worse.

All water under the bridge now of course.

DCRBye · 26/01/2014 19:19

I am an enthusiastic user and it never made me want to be unfaithful.

True Cog. True.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 26/01/2014 19:41

I can't speak for your relationship, but in ours, our porn use is together and only seperately if we can't be together and we want a release.

It would be a huge no if either if us used porn that day and that then meant we didn't want sex that night for instance.

The the other were unwell then watching porn wouldn't be instead of sex, so it wouldn't affect our sex life. However, it would maybe seem possible to be perceived as insensitive and make the other feel uneasy if we were horny and our partner ill. Even so, lying isn't on. We both are quite open about our sexuality and needs but lying is a huge no no. Lying is my biggest hate.

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