Partners family and friends

[Strongmum72]

Has anyone else felt overwhelmed by their partners family and friends at first. My bf has a large circle of friends and a fairly large family, I'm slowly meeting them all but sometimes I just feel like a spare part, sometimes they don't really speak to me , I suppose it's all normal but I'm just feeling a bit fed up of it all, my bf doesn't really introduce me to anyone I'm just not confident to go up to them and introduce myself. I wonder if it will all get easier eventually

If you haven't done so already, tell him you lack confidence and that you need him to introduce you to people rather than leaving you to twist in the wind at family thing. In the meantime, work on your confidence yourself. Practise saying.... 'Hello I'm Strongmum72. How are you?' with a smile. Work on your small-talk. Gets easier the more often you do it.

Oh I'm just finding it hard at the moment, I have no nearby family so I get a bit sick of his. Last night we went to dinner with some of his friends , one of them was a real wanker made me feel so small :-( I Hope it gets easier

Did you tell the friend he was a wanker? Don't let anyone make you feel small. They're the small ones.

It's up to your partner to arrange meetings of smaller groups to introduce you. Tell him how you feel and suggest you sort out a few evenings to do that.

You know Congo I always think of things to say after the event, he was just a bit short with me and some things he said annoyed me and there was really no need, but he doesn't know me so he can't really think badly of me, hopefully I won't have to see him much. But actually my bf did comment this morning saying so and so was very opiniated last night which is unusual, so by that comment alone I think he noticed.

Just been a lot of social events lately it's made me a bit overwhelmed, his brother talks over my head too, but I remember that happening with my ex husband brother and after a while we actually got on really well, so I guess it all takes time. But bf isn't very good at looking after me in that situation he will just leave me

Make friends with the women.

Yeh I do chat to the women and get on, I think I'm just fed up of chatting and trying to make a good impression trying trying trying, though some are easier than others to chat to. I just need some time with my own friends I think, help me feel confident again

It is hard, DP has a big family and most of them are lovely but one of them doesn't really make an effort. I did worry that they were very close to his ex and didn't like me as I was 'replacing' her, but it turns out they didn't really get on with her, so it's not that.

Did your bf notice his friend being off with you?

I think you need gently to tutor BF to take more trouble introducing you to people and making sure you're included. And some great advice from Cogito.

I think so Lynda from his comment this morning, but he didn't say anything at the time, I think it might be a case of his friends looking out for him as his ex wife screwed him over etc etc. it was almost as though he thought I was putting his friend down maybe but I was just joining in a conversation, but all I can hope is as he gets to know me he'll realise I'm not that sort of person at all, that's the problem isn't it they don't know me. But it's the proving myself bit I hate pfffttttt

Actually just thought, my bf said once when talking about going to a friend of mine New Year's Eve party that he wouldn't mind going but he wouldn't feel at his most comfortable so maybe he would understand if I told him, forgot about that

It's always hard getting to know new people when everyone else is an established group, whether friends or family. Just have a word with your BF and ask him to be aware of it and to make proper introductions when you meet new people.

Mine is very good, he won't go off and leave me for ages with people I don't know very well and if he's talking to someone else he pops over to me every now and then to check that I'm ok or to come and sit with me for a while if he thinks I've had enough of making polite conversation with his family!

It's good that your BF's friend is looking out for him and doesn't want him to get hurt. I think that may be part of my issue too, as his family have all seen him being screwed over before and want to make sure he doesn't get carried away this time, but a year on they can all see how much I love him and have (mainly) been really lovely.

I'm sure your situation will improve with time and just try to be aware of not saying anything negative about your BF in the company of the one friend who obviously thought badly of you.

Thanks Lynda it's part of life I guess really, I just hate this part proving yourself ....I need a break from it I think, there's been a lot of social events lately due to Xmas new year etc so maybe a break from it would do me good! Thanks for all your advice x

Anyone would be overwhelmed by large groups of people they don't know, I bet your b/f would be. He needs to be more considerate of how this is for you and should be making an effort to both show his family and friends how important you are to him but also to enable conversations to flow between you and what is effectively a stranger to you. Nobody but nobody should be able to make you feel bad, you feel bad because your b/f aint got your back by the sounds of it.

Oh I know there was time there was about 20/30 people I didn't know anyone other than my bf and his brother, the men were standing round talking about things or people I knew nothing about, I did try to join in by asking questions but it was difficult the women were talking amongst each other and I just thought I don't feel confident going up to them, but I did start talking to someone a bit in the end, but I was way out of my comfort zone.

The idiot the other night just made me feel uncomfortable one of the other women said their dp had spilt red wine on her cream carpet I said oh my dp did that Xmas day too I also have a cream carpet she just smiled as I did and this guy looked at me and said 'so what, shit happens get over it' I said yeh it didn't matter anyway as my carpet needs changing, but I felt a bit annoyed, there was other things and then when we were about to leave and call a taxi, he said why u getting a taxi u should of got her to drive. Again I just felt a bit taken back. I have since mentioned to my dp did he think he was a little off with me, he said he didn't really notice. So that made me think perhaps I was being a little over sensitive.

I think I'm just going to explain to him when I see him how I feel maybe it might help.

I don't think I am being over sensitive though, but I do need to let it go I suppose what does anyone think ?

Strongmum, the guy who made the comment about the carpet & how you should be driving was being a rude twat. I'm surprised & bit concerned your DP didn't notice.

Hopefully you won't have to spend much time with this man - but if you do, your DP needs to support you & you may need to stick up for yourself. It's natural to want to make a good impression but you're not being oversensitive with regards to him, he sounds obnoxious. Maybe he doesn't like women very much - who knows, but it's not your problem & there's no excuse for him speaking to someone he hardly knows in such an offhand way. I'm feeling really annoyed on your behalf!

I'd definitely talk to your DP about how overwhelming you find all these big gatherings generally, & ask him to introduce you to people properly - I do think that would be the polite thing to do. Don't feel you have to prove yourself, & certainly don't feel you have to prove that you're not like his ex. People who care about your DP should treat you with respect too, & he should make sure they do!

Thank u lavin your just really confirming what I thought, I'm just finding the whole thing hard, no one apart from that twat has been rude to me but I've just felt like an outsider sometimes, and it concerns me too that DP didn't notice at least, it actually surprised me as he is normally quite sensitive and picks up on things, maybe this guy he's scared of or something I don't know. Strange !

Is he sensitive in a way that only affects him? What I mean is, you have said that he was concerned about going to a party. Are there other incidences where he is sensitive about his own needs? Is he usually sensitive to your needs? He doesn't seem to include you in conversations and he doesn't introduce you to other people so I am surprised you say he is sensitive.

Hmm well ok I thought he was sensitive, there's a few things going round my head now about other things too, I feel he's let me down a bit lately and it's a shame as it's been a good relationship so far, but at least I've been able to moan on here it helps you know netmums, I need to at least speak to him about all this.

It's your boyfriend's behaviour that concerns me. He sounds as if he's fine with you being uncomfortable in a crowd of virtual strangers, or letting his friends and family be regularly snide or unwelcoming to you. Actually the male element in his family/friendship group sound a bit cave mannish anyway - does anyone still divide into sex-segregated groups at parties?

His friends are wary of you because his ex wife screwed him over?

Wouldn't you just love to hear HER story eh?

These guys sound like misogynist jerkasses. You can tell a lot about a guy from the company he keeps.

Hmm I'm still worried, BUT my bf called in today a bit unexpected and has been thinking about it, he said he thinks actually his friend was obnoxious that night and was actually a bit upset with some of the things he said and brought up. We had a chat about it and he thinks he may even of been trying to cause a bit of trouble between us 'the jealous mate' thing he seemed upset by it, says he's going to speak to him and if it happens again he will say something I'm not sure what's going on there. I haven't spoke to him about the social event feeling yet, hopefully I can do that tomorrow. I'm glad he's at least thought about it though !