Porn truths

[untouchable]

Please could someone recommend some reading material for my Husband who does not believe me that most porn is misogynistic and abusive? He believes that the stuff he has been watching is 'consenting' and will not explain how he comes to that decision.

This is important to me so please don't answer if you are an apologist. I am not interested in your opinion.

TIA

But he's stopped using porn and there's no evidence or admission of an ongoing addiction.

It's funny you say 'Asian Babes' because, while I was being flippant, I do think the type of porn is relevant.

If it IS gay porn, bestiality or barely legals then, yeah, this guy has major issues. If it's heterosexual couples for the most part, and he's sticking with the marriage while clearly not enjoying an intimate relationship with his wife (anymore than she is with him) then there are clearly some ingrained issues on both sides.

There's precious little worse or more passion killing - whether you're male or female - than a partner making you feel inadequate because of a lapse in desire. If it's not a lapse in desire then it was clear from the outset and, if he's simply not that into her sexually anymore and it means that much - leaving is always an option.

It's not just lapse in desire or low sex drive, though. He LIED for SEVEN YEARS! Doesn't matter what about, that's enough to indicate serious issues right there.

Very sorry for you though, Tinsel, how awful he said those things to you

It's not just lapse in desire or low sex drive, though. He LIED for SEVEN YEARS! Doesn't matter what about, that's enough to indicate serious issues right there.

Very sorry for you though, Tinsel, how awful he said those things to you

Yeah. The lying thing sucks big fat donkey bits but he may well feel compelled to lie through low self worth and a sense of emasculation.

Equally, he might just be a total cretin who has stopped fancying his wife and doesn't have the bottle to come straight out with it and face up to the sad fact that for him sec doesn't transcend visual appeal.

I'm just certain that, either way, putting the responsibility for the inherent exploitative nature of the porn industry squarely into his shrivelled little lap is going to work favourably in the pursuit of an enriching and loving sex life.

There are certainly plenty of times, over the last seven years, where I've been too terrified of telling the truth and have blurted platitudes just to make the wailing and teeth gnashing stop. Also, withoutbseeingbhisbprivate medical records, how can anyone be sure there isn't an underlying health issue - be it mental or physical?

Note to self: if you want to be intelligible, don't type on iPhones on trains.

Sorry tinsel but I think you're completely missing the point.

Ok you think you might win the current argument; him - porn is not misogynistic and I can tell when it's consenting vs you - porn is frequently misogynistic and there's no way for you to know it is consenting for sure, by confronting him with some convincing evidence that he can't deny.

Winning this argument, even if you could, will not give your sex life space to grow I'd be willing to bet...

His position is a suspiciously unreasonable one. Someone who had not already considered the issue and made a choice over it would not be so dismissive. He has thought about this and he has decided that he prefers it to consensual sex with you and further than that he has constructed a huge lie to protect this fact.

If you can win this argument with evidence (about points that he has likely already considered) at all you will not magically make him into a different person.

Slight side issue but I don't think not wanting to have sex is EA, lying about having a medical condition so you can trick your intimate partner into not leaving based on your lack of desire for sex is EA.

Possibly offred. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what the real point is.

I do doubt his reluctance to have sex has anything to do with his porn use, unless he spends 24/7 fapping away to the exclusion of all else and I rather didn't get that impression.

I do hope counselling works but I suspect that's going to be about listening every much as it is about talking and that does mean not starting the process by declaring a lack of interest in any opinions that differ, or question, one's own.

A counsellor won't or perhaps shouldn't be mediating in a squabble. Surely they'll be getting you to look at what is happening and why.

He is "fapping away to the exclusion of all else" in your sex life though isn't he?

Not mine. If he was, I'd have told him to fap off years ago and I wouldn't waste my time trying to force a road to Damascus moment if I strongly felt porn was an absolute no-go.

However, I wouldn't believe any man who claimed not to have used porn occasionally.

Interesting thread. Thought I'd offer an input being a semi-reformed porn user.

I didn't know about the wholesale exploitation within the industry until a couple of years ago, it hadn't even crossed my mind. I just assumed as it was all legal it should be legit (yeah, yeah I know). I'd stumbled across some of the nasty stuff on redtube and the ilk, but always assumed it was consenting. Not really within my comfort zone anyway so I didn't think about it much.

Then my marriage became sexless and it was only when I started to look for answers to that problem that I came across some of the more readical feminist sites (and subsequently the moderate feminists here) and found out some of the truth about the porn industry. It was a revelation and some of the stuff I guess I was supporting (indirectly) was so offensive I was shocked. In retrospect it was quite obvious, but I hadn't thought about it before.

To use a rather trite analogy, who thinks about the water treatement plants, the hundreds of miles of pipework, the pumping stations and the reserviors when they turn the tap on for a drink of water?

Anyway, I don't use video/photo porn any more, if I'm lazy and can't be bothered to fantasise in my head I use porn literature. It does the same job. Could be worth pointing him in the direction of this kind of porn instead OP?

That's beside any other issues your relationship has of course.

Did you use porn as a replacement for sex keepit? Or was it more of a why does a dog lick its balls type thing while fapping?

I can see how the former is just vile but I'm pretty sure the latter is more about the conditioning young men receive from very early on - pervasive, misogynistic and - I imagine - really confusing to boys.

For me, the expressions on people's faces is enough to dry the riverbed of the Euphrates. The glazed, vacant stares, the grossly modified bodies and the base mechanics of the whole thing too.

I do find Wuthering Heights a bit of a turn on though.

Google: Your Brain On Porn

Tinsel - I grew up when porn was limited to relatively softcore stuff. Probably started off fapping (new slang for me that one!) over Kays catalogue, before progressing onto page 3 standard. The porn that's available nowadays is far more explicit and extreme so I don't think my experience is comparable to that of the younger generations.

But to answer your questions, it was the former when I was younger, then when I started having sexual relationships the use of it wasn't really necessary. Over the past five years or so I suppose it is a replacement. Although the ease at which I've changed my habits suggests it isn't an addiction and I'd have no problem if DW said it was a boundary that she wanted to be in place.

The glazed expressions, vacant stares, modified bodies etc... have never been a turn on for me. It was very easy to avoid stuff like that for the more realistic market. I suppose I viewed it the same way as any other type of video/photography: you go to Blockbuster video rental (when it was still around) and avoid the Horror/RomCom (or whatever genre) aisle if that's not your thing.