Bizarre family dynamics.

[NolansEpicDressSense]

Is there any point trying to change them?

I've just had the oddest conversation with my mother re savings and investments where she told me I've always been rubbish with money and at saving so I need to be careful. This was a conversation about where to invest my £60k savings. To save this, DH and I have been paying the equivalent of two mortgages for the past five years.

My role in the family is to be the lazy spendthrift drifter, and it doesn't matter how hard I work, how financially stable I am or how sorted my life is, I am stuck in the role I was in as a teenager.

Has anyone ever managed to change their family role? My family aren't abusive to me at all, there's lots of love there, but just this constant theme of 'Nolan is rubbish with money and a massive flake' even when all the evidence points to the contrary.

"They Fuck You Up" is good on this by Oliver James (I think). I read it ages ago, there is a lot about family dynamics and also how to change them. Can't remember what the advice was though, sorry

www.amazon.co.uk/They-You-Up-Survive-Family/dp/0747584788

Why does it matter. Just ignore.
Don't discuss finances.
Maybe they are just jealous??

Thanks Bertie, have ordered.

It doesn't matter, I'm not crying myself to sleep at night, but it irks me.

LOL! I get something similar. As I'm going to hit fifty this year and haven't managed to shake my DM's firm belief that I'm still a slightly dreamy 8 year-old, I think it's too late to start now. Agree with the PP, simply don't discuss finances with them.

However, one thing to bear in mind is that it's perhaps your drive to overcome your type-casting of lazy spendthrift that has got you where you are now? Maybe part of you should be grateful that they have provided that particular piece of grit for your oyster. :)

Have you pointed out that you've saved 60k and therefore cant be shit at saving?

Good point Cog.

Wossname, yes, I said um, what? How can I be shit at saving? My mum just changed the subject, I think she realised she was talking bobbins.

There must be something psychologically in it for them to keep you in that role (whether they are aware of it or not).

My MIL said she understood why we were leaving the US as I "had never made any friends" this was immediately after our leaving party at our home which was heaving with people, almost none of whom were family. In reality she is the one who finds it difficult to maintain friendships. She also needed a narrative to explain why her darling son was leaving the country - it could not be because he chose to!

You may find it impossible for them to change their perception of you, so make sure you are acknowledging your own needs and doing what you need to do. They may try to ignore/railroad you to keep you in your role. This can continue throughout a person's life so don't let them define you.

It's nuts isnt it? I have a similar role in my family, I am forever the rebellious, angry teenager despite now being nearly 40, married with two kids, job I like and putting up with a lot of family crap to keep the peace.

Another one familiar with the problem of trying to escape the family dynamic . I'm always typecast as 'doesn't like vegetables and has a messy bedroom' - when my father visits I have to adjust our meals to contain fewer vegetables as he's not keen and he has learned to use coasters. My mother has learned the value of cleaning the bathroom every day instead of once per week. The point is that I'm a known neat freak and tend to eat a lot of vegetables as I'm not a huge fan of meat.

Nonetheless, the me they describe to other people still matches the eight year old I was thirty years ago. I have given up trying to change their perceptions. If I'm around when they make these sort of comments to other people, I point out rather sarcastically that yes, those points were true but since then there have been two marriages and divorces, a very high powered career and I have lived on five continents so quite a bit has changed.

You will not change their minds so to avoid getting annoyed about it I tend to patronise them and also describe them in rather childish terms - play them at their own game. They won't stop but it makes me feel better about the situation in a very petty, pathetic way.