Would you just go quietly non-contact in this situation?

[Nualaa]

Have posted about this before in case it seems familiar, but I think I have hit a wall now and wanted some friendly advice.

My only brother is gradually going non or limited contact with our family. We were never very close but when he married and had his first DC I did go and see them all quite regularly. We've never been ones to chat on the phone or see each other without our parents really (there's a few years between us) but we did birthday cards and presents, texts, odd emails with photos of DN etc. Again, I wasn't overly close with SIL - nothing suspicious, just didn't have much in common - but we were friendly when we met.

His 2nd DC was born a few months before my first DC a few years back. This complicated matters just because we lived a bit apart, both had young DC, it wasn't easy to meet up, again nothing suspicious. About that time DB and SIL started seeing and talking to our parents less and less, a drop of from what they usually did. Now, a few years later, they have moved quite a long way away and they rarely call my parents, never send texts or photos about the kids. My parents are upset and sad about this, they miss the family, but feel stuck between being seen as 'hounding' if they try and make contact or 'ignoring' if they don't.

In a lot of ways it seems as though we (mum, dad, me) have done something wrong. If we have, we can't think of anything. I will probably be accused of being biased but I genuinely can't see what they might have done wrong, there have been no fights, no arguments, nothing that we can think of. However, a part of me is beginning to worry that because DP and I parent differently from DB and SIL, and thus my parents have much more interaction with our DD, that DB and SIL think there is a lot of favouritism going on and that is upsetting them. By differences I just mean that me and DP both work and have been happy for DD to spend overnights with other family members, so my parents help out with childcare and have DD to stay for a few nights sometimes. SIL doesn't work and her and DB are happier not being away from their children, which just naturally creates a difference in the relationship my parents have with the various GC. I have to say they would happily have DB's children to stay or do childcare if asked.

The reason this has come to a head in my mind now is that over the past few weeks it has been Christmas and DD's birthday and there have been no cards and no texts, though I sent both to DB and family. Now it really, really isn't about cards or presents, just the lack of contact. I know written down this sounds petty and I normally get pulled up on this, but all families work differently, don't they, and we've always been a card/text on birthday family and until a few years ago DB still did this. So the impression I get is that DB and SIL would, at the end of the day, prefer not to have anything to do with us.

Over the past few weeks I have tried calling a few times but they haven't answered. I have sent a nice email asking about them and for new photos of the kids, but they haven't answered.

I know this is waffly and long and I know I normally get accused of being petty or materialistic or something. Or I'll get accused of fixating on birthday cards However I just wondered whether this is all just very obvious, and I should stop sending cards and emails and just let DB get in touch when he wants to, and basically go quietly non-contact?

They have already quietly gone 'no contact' with you it would seem.

Yes, sorry, what I meant to write at the end of that hideous splurge of words was it is better to continue sending messages at Christmas, birthdays etc or just to stop entirely.

I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, but similarly is there any point if they've decided they don't want anything to do with me?

And am I wrong to want to understand why they've decided they don't want anything to do with me at all?

How about an e-mail asking if you have upset them in anyway, explaining that you can't think of anything that may have upset them, but you would like to know if you have, in order to mend the rift.

I think it would be fair of you to ask if they are purposely going no contact with you, tell them you miss them and you would like to understand how you have offended them in case it's something you could talk through. If they do say "you've done this" try not o argue "no I didn't", try and listen and acknowledge how they are feeling.

Going non contact with no explanation and no confrontation can be cruel if the other person has no idea what they did wrong.

Since no arguments or fall-outs are involved, I'd assume that life has just got in the way.
When I first married DH, I was a fool 'Good Wife', and sent cards to all his family at Christmas and reminded him to contact/ send flowers to his mum on her birthday, etc.
After his mum died, I told him if he wanted to keep up contact with the rest of his family, he needed to do it (not for any nasty reason, I just had enough to do!).
He very soon slipped into 'no contact' with his siblings, not purposely, just through general apathy/crapness. A vicious circle began whereby he became embarrassed to pick up contact because he'd left it so long, but the longer he left it, the harder it became.
If one of his siblings were to contact him, he'd be delighted, but living far away from them, it's hard to visit, and it would probably fizzle out again pretty soon.
I suppose what I'm saying is that sometimes, it's not on purpose that people go NC, it's just circumstances, and if there's not been any unpleasantness, it might be best just to pick up the phone and say hello.

What would make you feel better? If sending Christmas and birthday messages would make you feel the bigger person and you're OK with silence in return then carry on.

IME sometimes there is sometimes no specific 'reason' why others seem to have dropped you. They get on with their lives, have different priorities and you simply get overlooked.

OP it's hard to make a judgement on this situation without knowing the other side. From what you've said, I'm not going with the 'life got in the way' explanation. I think they've definitely withdrawn deliberately for whatever reason. But there's really no way for you to know the reason for that.

For all you know, this could be driven by your SIL.. maybe she just doesn't like his parents/you, and has kind of succeeded in turning him against you. I know I'm happy with as little to do with my PILs as possible; they've not done anything wrong that I could actually accuse them of, I just don't have the same view of the world as they do, and most of all, probably just don't overly like them. But obviously I'd never force that view on DH.. I can tolerate the limited times we see them. So maybe your DIL is the same but has managed to poison your DB's mind against them?
Or maybe they have a genuine grievance and you just don't see it?

Who knows. But in your situation, I would giving one shot at finding out, by sending a letter or email to your DB asking if there's anything you've done and saying you'd really like more contact (if that is what you want). In that communication, I'd make sure to let him know your doors are always open in case things change in the future. After that, you'd have done all you could and you'd have to let things be.

Regarding cards, presents etc, you should keep doing that if you want imo, in the knowledge that it probably won't be reciprocated.

I meant your SIL, sorry

For a long time I did tend towards the 'life got in the way' explanation, particularly when our DC were both babies. But as time has gone on I think not replying to texts or emails starts to send its own message. Not remembering birthdays is one thing. I can be a bit useless at times, I know when you are busy it's easy to forget.

Helltotheno, I suspect it may be something more like that, though if it is SIL pushing for no contact she has gone further and would appear to have influenced DB to drop contact entirely (hypothetically, I don't know if this is the case). If that is the case though it's sad - personally I don't believe in denying the children a relationship with one side of their family purely because of 'not liking'. If they are actively doing something wrong that is different. I don't hit it off entirely with my PIL but I only see them x amount of times a year, and encourage DP to take DD to see them on their own sometimes

I know it's an unpopular view on MN but I don't personally feel that 'life getting in the way' is a completely acceptable excuse for years of failing to contact a family member.

in denying the children a relationship with one side of their family purely because of 'not liking'

I agree, mainly because children develop their own relationships with relatives and should be allowed to, so imo it's wrong of an adult to cut off that option completely for them.

But also Nualaa, you can't force contact, that's why in your position, I'd make a last ditch attempt in a non-confrontational way just saying that you'd love to see them now and again, have the kids get to know each other etc. I would say make it conciliatory along the lines if 'I hope we haven't done anything' and 'I know we're all busy but...' etc. At least then if nothing comes of it, you can honestly say you've done all you could and the door is still open.

My in-laws are card crazy and etiquette crazy about calling to thank people for cards. When the children were babies I resented the cards and calls, as they were more hassle than they were worth. Card was sent, followed by an 'obligation' to call to thank them. It was all about them and there was never a genuine offer of any practical help. It was all on their terms. No visits unless it was 100% on their terms. No babysitting for years and years, regardless of the circumstances. Then the in-laws decided out of the blue they wanted to be involved and wanted to bring one child (older) shopping for 2 hours on a Sunday, every Sunday. All on their own terms again. We had to drop the child over and collect him, leaving the second child out. Then they got bored of that and it all dwindles again.

Because the in-laws never offered any support when it was needed, I feel distant from them. I do not feel an obligation to play along with the rouse of happy families. However, I would politely respond to e-mails. Not responding to e-mails is pretty rude.

It's possible your brother and SIL felt abandoned by your side of the family and have decided to distance themselves as a result.

You could try to regain contact by asking them if they would like to meet up for a family day and asking them what would suit them.

Molly, it's not card crazy and etiquette like that, but I do know what you mean!

As I've been thinking about it I am very worried, as I said, that the difference in interaction between the grandchildren is part of the problem - but I don't see how that can be fixed. My parents made it clear back when SIL was first pregnant that they were happy to babysit, to have the baby for an afternoon etc, but DB and SIL were not comfortable with anyone (either of the families) minding their DC. I've seen from plenty of threads that grandparents pushing babysitting is also seen as a bad thing to do, so I don't quite know what else my parents could do there. Equally, I'm not having them have less involvement with DD just because (possibly) DB and SIL don't like how my parents are involved. I do know from conversation with SIL back before I had DD that she personally doesn't agree with both parents working and putting their DC in childcare - maybe that has coloured her opinion of me too?

We're too far away to suggest all meeting up and having a family day out. I think I might try one last email asking if there is something that we/I have done to upset them.

Re how much more contact I want, I'm not wanting to make it a close relationship again because I know we've never been that close or had personalities that match enormously. But I do think it would be nice to swap emails, photos of the children, just generally keep in rough contact throughout the year.

I think the email to ask if anything's upset them is the best plan. If there is no response to that I think you have to accept that they don't want to know. Also, your parents have to address this themselves. Did your DB and SIL send them cards etc at Christmas are have they been cut off too?