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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on a 10 year 'relationship' [long story sorry]

14 replies

MizzQu · 26/01/2014 09:59

I have been seeing a man for about ten years now, our relationship started as just physical, sex. This went on for a year or two then I began to have a relationship with another man, the original one became angry, behaving as though we were a couple and I was being unfaithful to him even though it was clear we were no such thing.
So, after this relationship with the new man ended, the first bloke and I started doing things together like going to the cinema, eating out, watching dvds at my house, we became friends.
This developed into a loving relationship for a few months until he decided he 'can't do this any more', I was upset but got over it. Two weeks later he phoned me to apologise and things got back to how they had been but without the loving bit, just friends who have sex.
We have been like this for years and I really want to tell him to go get a girlfriend because I feel I am lacking something.
We don't kiss or hug, just sex. I am fed up of it but I feel sad and nervous at the idea of ending this thing even though I don't think it's good for me.
We spend time together a few times a week, he phones me most days, he likes me, I like him too but maybe not as much any more.
He came to get me to stay at his place last night but I came home soon after I got there, it just felt wrong, I think I feel taken for granted.
I have spoken to him about this once, he got stressed, didn't like me trying to make my point, and said 'we're ok aren't we?' and we are not.
We are both adults, I'm 46 and he's a bit older, feeling unable to communicate how I feel to him is ridiculous, as is being so damned compliant .
I'm sorry this is so long, I have no one to talk to about this, I need advice please.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 26/01/2014 10:04

Does he think this is how a loving relationship is?

Just end it if it isn't right. You don't NEED to be in a relationship and if a nice man comes along it will be harder to get rid of him at that point.

RandomMess · 26/01/2014 10:05

Hmm this isn't a relationship. You are not happy. Tell him you're not interested anymore and block him from contacting you.

This has eroded your self esteem by the sounds of it. You are worthy of a proper relationship with emotional support, friendship and affection as well as sex.

chantico · 26/01/2014 10:07

"I am fed up of it but I feel sad and nervous at the idea of ending this thing even though I don't think it's good for me."

So are you asking for help to act on a decision you have already made?

It's never easy to have the "this doesn't work for me anymore" conversation. But I don't think you have an alternative. And then you need to end contact with him completely. It might help if you line up lots of other things you like doing and people you like seeing for the first days/weeks of NC.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 10:07

You're being manipulated and used. He wants you for sex and you want a relationship.... until you get together with someone new and then he wants you for a relationship.... until you go for the relationship option and he decides he just wants sex.

I don't think this is a communication problem tbh, because I don't think he's interested in what your opinions are. He just wants to keep you in a box marked 'sex' so that he can pick you up or drop you as it pleases. When he said 'we're OK aren't we?' did you say 'no'?

Are you worried that if you give him the heave-ho you'll end up lonely and with no-one? Do you think he's better than nothing?

maparole · 26/01/2014 10:12

Why do you "want to tell him to go get a girlfriend"?

You clearly feel the relationship has no further allure for you, so you need it to change radically or end; whether or not he has a girlfriend is irrelevant.

It's clear this arrangement is getting you down and knocking your self-esteem, so you need to find the courage to do something about it.

MizzQu · 26/01/2014 10:17

I didn't say 'no', sadly I just shut up and went along with things.

I want to tell him to 'go get a girlfriend' because maybe he'd realise that I don't want our relationship to be like this and someone with girlfriend status probably wouldn't put up with it.

OP posts:
Mollydoggerson · 26/01/2014 10:23

You sound like you feel an obligation to him. If you no longer want this set up, just say so. Take 3 months break and then decide what you want for the future.

You wont change him, you only have the power to change yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 10:24

Doesn't work like that. This is your life, your needs and you have to articulate what you want or it's just one big fat waste of time. No-one else is going to speak up for you. Not him, not some 'girlfriend' figure... just you.

Allofaflumble · 26/01/2014 10:29

Cogito tells it like it is. Dump him and let him find a girlfriend while you are enjoying being free of the useless lump. Don't waste a minute on his psychological needs. Think of yourself. Your time is precious. Wish I had taken my own advice. ;)

2snugglets · 26/01/2014 10:55

He's a selfish bastard. You deserve far better. Tell him that.

Tuhlulah · 26/01/2014 15:47

For him, what's not to like? No strings attached sex with someone who is nice to him and who puts up with more than she should (imho). You get a boyfriend and he gets worried the sex on tap will dry up, so he stymies that for you. He's a dog in the manger, doesn't really want you but likes the sex and is stopping you getting a proper relationship with anyone else.

I've had one of those 'I can't do this any more' wankers. They like the thrill of the chase, I suspect, and they love the buzz of being in competition and winning, but they soon go off the prize.

There is no future in this unless you just want no strings attached sex (no bad thing). If you want something more -like being valued- then chuck the fucker out.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 26/01/2014 16:35

What Cog said.

MizzQu · 28/01/2014 08:23

Well now I just feel really sad, I haven't spoken to him for two days, I've had my phone on silent and ignored his many calls like a coward, I've written down what I want to say to him and last night I phoned him to meet up and tell him how I feel and end our relationship / friendship, but haha no reply or call back, taste of my own medicine!
The next time he rings me I'll answer, and hopefully tell him how I feel, not over the phone, I have my list memorised, I feel it will be very difficult, I have no friends other than him so I will miss him and be sad and lonely but I know this, I know what my life was like before he came along.
Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
Tuhlulah · 28/01/2014 08:33

If I sound patronising, please forgive me, I have no intention of being so. But if he is your only friend you are going to miss him like hell. Could you not make some plans to get out to socialise to meet more people? I don't know what's available in your area, but even if you don't meet/make friends immediately you will at least have contact with people.

Being lonely is horrible and if you look on these threads it appears to be a reason why many women haven't left unhappy relationships. So this may well be your biggest obstacle too.

Good luck. It will hurt for a while, even when you are doing what's best for you. There will be a big gaping hole where he used to be. Fill it up with things unrelated to him. Eventually it will hurt less. We have ALL been there.

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