Confused about feelings towards DH

[Magicstars]

There has been a lot going on with DH & I recently. I found out that he is in debt with no way of paying it off. This has been incredibly stressful & things are pretty bad between us. Prior to this recent revelation though, I just haven't felt connected to him and have had no desire to DTD with him for several months (though I have been, mainly out of a sense of obligation). My coldness is of course hurtful for him, though I've been able to use the recent debt issue as a reason for not wanting to be intimate with him.
I had an abortion under a year ago and this was really when things changed IMO. I was absolutely devastated by it, but DH showed very little remorse, compassion or understanding.
There have been other issues in our relationship over the years (we have been together for 10 years). He has taken out loans he can't afford and had major issues with drinking. On several occasions he has stayed out all night, been un-contactable and turned up at home the following morning, off his face drunk and vomiting over the house. This hasn't happened for over a year though.
I have been a muggins for too long, I wonder why this has suddenly all hit me?
When it happened before, I was able to forgive.
Another reason why I am unsure of why my feelings have changed is because I find myself attracted to a female colleague (though nothing has or will come of it, we are both in long term relationships). I don't want my perspective on my marriage to be altered because I have a crush, which will never be anything more than that.
We have plans; for another DC when the time is right, living happily ever after in our dream home.... I so want our dd to have the idyllic childhood we've planned for her.
I would like to change my current mind-set & be able to go back to being content with my lot.
Does everyone in long-term relationships go through these sorts of feelings? Does the spark come back? If so, how?
TIA

Bump

It's a difficult one this because it's hard to fathom what the real problem is...you seem really confused and I would suggest talking through your feelings and issues with someone professional. You obviously aren't ready to make any major decisions... It doesn't sound good to be honest and if you want me to be honest I think you need to stop aspiring to an idyllic life for your dd and start really think carefully about the reality.. I don't mean that in a harsh way at all... But if you are super unhappy with your H then the current situation is far from idyllic...you could waste so much time trying to get there.

Thanks Roz. I think you're right about seeing a professional. I wish I had done that before/ shortly after my termination.
There is a lot going on in my head, many things confusing me, especially my feelings for my colleague and lack of them for DH.
I'm just sad that I have lost all desire for my H, though I do want our marriage to last. I just don't see how it can continue, feeling the way I do.
I keep hoping something will change my feelings back to how they used to be for him.

Why do you think it's wrong to feel the way you do? The man is a drunk, a liar, has run up debts you can't pay off and didn't support you through an abortion. You've forgiven on what sounds like repeated occasions and your forgiveness has been thrown back in your face. Any one of those things in isolation would be enough to have most people running for the hills. Why on earth do you think it's 'confusing' that you have no emotion for someone like that? Why would you be planning more children and dream homes with someone you can't trust.

Rather than hoping your feelings change, start looking into what the realities would be if they don't. A good solicitor, for example. His behaviour is not your fault or your responsibility. Your feelings are 100% valid. You have choices.

Honestly it doesn't sound much of a marriage/relationship

I agree, this man is a liar and a drunk and he has run up debts. Which of these fits into the image of the idyllic childhood you have for your daughter?

You say that your mindset has changed and that you want to go back to your previous position of being content with your lot.

But the man/situation/relationship you describe and don't really sound like the man/situation/relationship you want.

I think you've had your lightbulb moment and this is why you suddenly feel the way you do. Perhaps the abortion, and his reaction to it, was the final nail in the coffin.

But really, what is there to save?

What you are getting out of this relationship now?. You have forgiven a great many transgressions on his part and perhaps that in hindsight was an error.

What do you think you two are teaching your child about relationships here?.

Your DD is unlikely to have an idyllic childhood if this is how things have been and still fundamentally are. You cannot undo what you know now and your feelings have changed irreparably.

Thanks for replying. I think I want to continue with the marriage because I have made a commitment to him, to our dd, we have a mortgage and a modest home, but it's ours. To everyone who knows us we are a perfect little family on the outside. I'm not currently afraid of being alone, though I expect Loneliness would hit me hard in reality.
I have no idea how I would leave, what I'd do, where I'd go. H is retraining (on the job) this year and I also wonder if his time being so taken up with his studies work is just leaving me feeling neglected. Do I just need to hold on until he's qualified and then reassess?! Maybe things will be better when we have more time together.
Currently I feel little to no passion for our relationship. Is it normal to have peaks and troughs though?
I've been honest with DH about my feelings (not for my colleague, though he does know I have started to feel attracted to some women).
He is trying to make things up to me, though hasn't found a real solution to paying off the debt.

Your modest home isn't yours if he has run up too much debt is it? He has made no commitment to you and dd though has he? spending money he doesn't have, drinking and staying out and then not even supporting you on abortion( Don't know what reasons but did he want termination more than you and encourage you with promise of a baby in the future?

Get counselling look after yourself and I think you will find your reaction is perfectly normal for this level of living with the crap you are.

I think the feelings for a colleague are a red herring.

Yes, people's affection for their spouse can dim in long term relationships but actually you have perfectly valid reasons for being pissed off with your p.

You may be feeling a delayed response because you didn't feel able to deal with your feelings when the issues were live. But I think your partner has behaved badly and you should not convince yourself your feelings are invalid.

Counselling may be a good idea: it sounds like you find it hard to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and this could help you process these feelings. What you decide to do after that point is up to you but better to do a proper audit of your feelings and then do what feels right, rather than doing what you think you should do.

" Is it normal to have peaks and troughs though?"

A few ups and downs, maybe. But what you're describing is a yawning chasm of repeat offences. Your main strategy appears to be 'hoping it gets better by itself'.... and all a head in the sand gets you is a kicked arse.