Hand holding as I leave my marriage...so sad

[DCRBye]

Hello. My husband left me for another woman in August. I have one son but we have no kids together. Prior to that we were very happily married, it came at me out of nowhere. Wraking my brains for signs he was having an affair or that he was not in love with me anymore but there weren't any. I could not believe it. Was devastated. I tried everything I could to get him back but he wouldn't listen. In the end, he realised he'd made a mistake 3 months after he left, and he came and asked me to forgive him. I was so desperate to have him back that I agreed (but we didn't move back in).

Now over time I realised I was trying to get back the marriage I had, and realised I could just never trust him again. I love him still so much, but don't want to spend my life with him anymore after this. Today I asked for a divorce and have told him I don't want to see him at all anymore. Did it by text.

I felt sort of relieved but also really devastated. My mind is all over the place and can't get out of bed or stop sobbing. I know I did the right thing. I want to be with him now, miss him, want to fall into his arms but he'll always be the man who did this.

Please tell me how you move on from ending a relationship with someone you still really love, who you thought was the one for life because they cheated on you. It's really hard because I want to get over him but am confused about who he is or how the person i knew so many years could do this to me. Married 6 years.

No advice I'm afraid, but a hand to hold until someone with wise words comes along.

I do think you are very brave to make such a decision, it may not seem like it now but in years to come I'm sure you'll be glad you took this step.

I think that's it rainbowfeet. I knew I had to do it and would be glad in the future but doesn't make it feel okay right now.

I'm really sorry rhat this has happened to you.
I know the turmoil your feeling, it's dispair and shock and fear, its as though a death has happened and your responsible for it because your asking for the divorce. But the responsibilty for the relationship breakdown is his.

He had the affair, not you.

He betrayed you.

You have tried to get through it and make things work, but it has not been possible because of his actions.

You're currently in morning for the relationship and i feel for you. Its a horrible stage, debilitating and overwhelming.

What happened today that lead to you sending the text?

I don't know. I don't sleep well, and have awful nightmares about being murdered or hurt. When I wake up the first thing I do is feel this huge pain in my chest and then I start to cry. I just went and sat outside in the cold and thought to myself "what's the best case scenario here?" and realised that it would be him being good to me gain for the next 50 years, never having another affair and I pictured it, and pictured us as old people and felt weird about it. I think I had the type of marriage where I really loved my hubby loads still, and still fancied the pant off him and he was just so blinking lovely to me. I loved what we had, and realised I can't ever have it back. I just thought to myself that I will end up doing all this "working on it" to wind up with nothing in the end. It's not so much shagging someone else. It's that he was willing to risk it all for that and that he must have known how much he would hurt me and did it anyway.

I think that's the problem I am having with mourning because he's taken away my memories of him. I am not sure which parts of the past to believe were true. I feel tricked.

I know how you're feeling it's horrible. I split from my P in December, together 6 years.

If you want to message me feel free. I just wish I could switch my brain off sometimes!

Lou

Why does he think this happened?

Mid life crisis! Unhappy in hos job, stressed, grass in greener complex

Who ended the affair and do you have proof of that?

Has he been for any therapy and has he read anything about why he did what he did?

It only lasted two weeks. No, I don't have proof.

I don't know why but when he first came back I just wanted mad sex and romantic dinner and just pretended like it never happened. I sort of blamed myself for the times I was tired or cancelled date night because I was working.

I haven't even really got angry...just cried into his chest a few times and he just cried too and said he was so sorry and loved me so much. I never thought about counselling or books.

Sorry, the affair lasted two weeks but he didn't ask for me back until 3 months later. I suppose that's some sort of sign this wasn't to do with the other woman. Maybe an excuse?

My instinct about this is that it doesn't have to be the end, as long as he is prepared to do some very difficult things and assuming you could move on.

A few months ago I bought a book for a friend who was in your identical situation. She felt she'd always had a very happy marriage and it certainly looked that way from the outside too. Her husband obviously adored her. But he was going through some sort of confidence crisis and had a very short affair. She found out and he ended it. He admits he was happy with her and there were no reasons as far as their relationship was concerned, for him to do it.

The book is called "Not Just Friends" and after her husband read it, she did and then I read it too. It seems tailor-made for your husband to read. It's written by a US Infidelity therapist and it was recommended on a post on this site.

I just don't think, no matter how much I love my hubby, that I can get past it. I used to love the way he made me feel. So safe, so loved, so secure and like I never had to be one of those women this stuff happened to. He's made a fool of me in front our friends and family. He's upset my son. I will read that book though Tonandfeather. Believe me, if there was anything I could do to have my marriage back I would do it, I just don't see any hope. I can't even think of good memories at all.

I don't think you can have your marriage back. But neither can your husband have the old him back either, because that version was faulty and now needs to change.

I am in no way trying to persuade you to try again and I guess the difference with my friend is her husband didn't leave and never wanted to. I have other friends whose husbands did leave and then unfortunately went back and forth until my friends called time.

Your husband should read that book. Read it yourself if you want but really it's for him to do that.

Why did he give it 2.5 months before asking to come back?

You don't mean the whole relationship was 2 weeks did you? How long was it in total?

Sometimes you just know that you can either waste years trying to make it work, or do the hard thing now to make the future easier. I'm still young enough (just) to remarry. I don't want to waste any more years on someone who was such a disappointment.

Tonandfeather, I am not sure why he left it 2.5 months. I think he felt he'd made his decision and needed to stick with it. He's stubborn and impulsive (good combo). I didn't overtly beg him back during this time, but I did ask him over to "fix my computer" and did he want dinner. It was all very shameful and my dignity went out the window.

No it was two weeks after he left. I haven't asked how long before that. I'm scared of the answer and suppose he will lie. He must be such a good liar.

You know very little then?

Which means he's volunteered very little.

In view of that, it sounds like your decision today has been a good one. Has he replied yet?

He tried to talk to me about it and I said I didn't want to know. I didn't think I'd get the truth, so why bother. I think I have been in denial trying to pretend. Yes, he replied saying he got my text and asking what was going on. I know it's not right to do it by text, but if I see him I'll change my mind. I think it'd be better if he just left me alone for a few months to adjust.

I keep getting visions of him with her too. I've never seen her. Picturing her being younger / thinner / prettier.

All I can think to say to you is well done. That sounds patronising and I hate that. I just think you have been incredibly strong and honest to yourself.

It is hard to walk away from someone you love but someone you love brings you joy, not pain. If they can't do that then you can't be with them.

Don't picture her. She isn't worth your time.

Thank you Toffee.