Anyone out there have any ideas to make me feel sexy again?

[ItsACoverUp]

There are a couple of similar threads on here but not quite the same.

I love my husband. I often look at him at random times and think how attractive he is. He's a lovely man.

When I became pregnant with my first child, it was as if someone flicked an off switch.

We still have sex but not as much as he'd like. By the time the kids are in bed I'm knackered and touched-out. I can't explain it. The sex is good. But by the time I get to bed I need my mind and body to myself for a short while.

We don't have a great deal of family support so it's difficult to get away. It feels like we've reached stalemate, we've talked about it but don't really know what to do about it. I think we've tried to empathise with each other but we're both starting to feel resentful.

It's not to do with my body image - I'm no model but I'm happy enough in my body. I just don't feel like sex by the time we've reached the end of the day.

Does anybody have any good ideas to make me feel less like biting his head off when he suggests it? I don't want our marriage to end over this. I don't know what to do.

Just to add, he's never suggested our marriage would end over this and I certainly don't want it to. But there must be a limit to how much of this unspoken resentment we can cope with without making each other unhappy.

IME a good sex life requires relaxation and ongoing affection. And I say 'ongoing' because it's the atmosphere outside the bedroom that is really important. If everyone's arms-length until the bedroom door shuts it's tough to go from a cold start to Sex Goddess. If you're 'knackered and touched out' because you're shouldering all the domestic and child-related chores, same applies.

I don't know how old your DCs are but what's your and DH's regular routine between, say, end of the school/nursery day and the time when you normally go to bed?

Thanks Cogito, I know there's a few threads like this around at the moment!

DCs are 4 (at school) and 2. We have our moments but generally, we're happy and DH definitely does his share.

There might be something in the 'cold start', although I did mention this to DH and he has been making an effort with this. Maybe it's me who needs to make more of an effort to get into that mindset, I'm generally preoccupied with kids, work, house, until I get into bed and sex is the last thing on my mind.

Sounds like you have to 'call time' on your day a few hours before bed and make a conscious effort to empty your mind of 'kids, work, house'. One of you put the kids to bed nice and early while the other makes supper then have a complete ban on housework (or other work) after that point. Turn off the TV, talk to each other, relax over the meal, treat yourselves to a , leave the washing up to the morning and neck like teenagers on the sofa :)

If you're exhausted and spending all of your time caring and giving to others you're unlikely to be in the mood.
If you have support in making the time to exercise, bathe, pamper yourself and whatever, you're more likely to be in the mood.

I think it helps to just get back in to the habit of thinking about sex and desiring each other. And advice you often see is to rule out sex for a given time period. Spend time being physically intimate and affectionate without the pressure of "going all the way".

I agree with cog, but in addition to that I'd also suggest being less passive and more expressive in what you like and want.

Sounds daft, but I decided one night that I wanted hubby to give me a tutorial on blow jobs!

He's never had any com

...complaints and I love doing it. I just wanted him to talk through how he was feeling, what he liked, where to touch next, how hard how fast, variety etc etc.

It made him feel great physically, but also mentally because I clearly wanted to please him.

You could do the same. Pick something you'd like him to brush up on! Do the same for him another night.

It aids communication, improves technique and makes each other feel more together and naughty

OP, I don't have answers but am in the exact same position. I could have written your post word for word.

Ps, do you lust after other blokes (real or TV) or anything. I don't - zero sex drive.

Crotchless knickers? I just like the words lol! Seriously I know the feeling; your kids are over you all day and you just want your body to yourself; it feels like your DH also wants a piece of you too! Maybe you need a bit more time to re-prioritise sex. But I would go for quickies and trying to get into the mindset of it is pleasure for you. Then it's worth it for you and not just something you are doing for your husband. So advice is relax and remember it is enjoyable for you. Good luck!

start with complimenting him, he will notice and hopefully you get something back. any thing from 'you smell nice' to 'that shirt looks hot on you, shall we go shopping for some other ones'
lol ;-)

it will make you feel good too btw a little bit of flirting...

Is there any way you could DTD during the day occasionally, instead of last thing at night?

This idea of getting back into the mindset for sex could be a big part of it. I was thinking about this yesterday evening. I'm so child focused, I look after children, think about children, I plan what I will be doing the next day with children, both at home and at work. It's the complete opposite to an environment in which you can feel sexy.

Ragusa, thanks for letting me know I'm not alone and nope, me neither. I think the thought of me having an affair has crossed DHs mind but I need another man wanting sex like I need a hole in the head.

The irony is that my sex drive used to be higher than DHs. Mine's now creaking to a standstill and his seems to be increasing.

Something else I realised last night - DH finds me attractive and he says all the right things about loving me, but emotionally I feel like he's a bit - disconnected from me. I don't know if it's just a man thing or if it's us. The best sex we've had in the last 5 years was holed up in a tiny, shut off entrance space in the hotel room we were sharing with the kids, following us having spent the previous two hours huddled up in there trying to be quiet, drinking a bottle of wine and him talking honestly about stuff going on at work. It wasn't a sexy or exciting conversation, but I felt proud of him and involved in his life. And the sex was great.

Ps crotchless knickers

The emotional distance also sounds like tiredness and lack of time to me.

OP, it sounds like you haven't got enough time as a couple, and when you have - at night - you're knackered.

The hotel room sex clearly shows that. You need time to feel as a couple again, proper grown up conversation without being interrupted.

I've gone through phases where I've been so tired in the evenings that I didn't want to talk let alone cuddle or have sex.
During the day though things are different. Could you have days off with dc in childcare?

We've started to go to cafes together at the week ends, leaving all dc at home (eldest babysits). Dh works long hours during the week and at the week end the dc throw themselves on him and we never have a minute to talk things through.

In the spring we are going to start a dance class together, again, making the most of having a teenage daughter to babysit for us.

Try and recover you as a couple. Maybe find a babysitter for the Saturday, just 2 hours in the afternoon to do things together without the dc. When they are used to the babysitter you can then use her/him to do the odd evening in the future when you're not so tired anymore to go out with your dh.

OP are you sure he's not already doing the nasty with s.o. else?

This happened to me and one of the solutions for us was to disassociate sexy times with night time pretty much completely. The whole bed/bedtimes/sleep thing (as opposed to sex) is pretty much a minefield for us anyway because in the logistical sense of all that, we're not compatible. I am fiercely protective of my 7-8 hours sleep a night and basically, after kids, a bed went from being something that suggested all sorts of nice things to something I only yearned to sleep in (at night that is).

What about focussing on trying to arrange time somewhere else in the day? Also, do you have a hobby that takes you out and about? In short, anything that can reaffirm you as you, not a baby mamma or house cleaner? I think this is really important in terms of raising your confidence, therefore making you feel more up for it.