Do I expect too much?

[cherrypez]

Ok, I will start off by saying that compared to some on here, this is trivial in the extreme, and I'm sorry to whinge about this when so many people re going through far, far worse. I would just like some honest responses, as i genuinely don't know if I'm being a misery!

Husband and I have 6 kids, between the ages of 16 and 3. Life is good, we are essentially a happy little unit, with lots of love to go around. I work in a pretty good job with lots of responsibility and work to do at home after my 'contracted hours' are finished. DH used to work full time in a job he is not interested in, minimum wage, and 4 years ago went part time, 2 shifts a week (not a 9-5 job, bar work) in order to train for a job he was 'passionate' about for 2 days a week.

Fast forward four years, he now has a degree, but no longer wants to work in this field. Not a problem, the degree is transferable to other fields. When he finished the training, still working in the bar job, we decided that until he decided what he wants to do long term, he would only work three shifts a week in the bar job, as the savings we would make financially (childcare reduced, cleaner no longer required) would be worth it. This was what he wanted, and I agreed to.

However. Now we are in a position where his shifts change weekly, so we are still paying for before/after school care and nursery full time as we don't know in advance which days we need. His attitude is, if we pay for it, he uses it, so he spends up to 4 days a week (as his shifts can fall on weekends when I'm home) alone at home, no kids, nothing, while I'm paying for this luxury. Unavoidable, not his fault, but...AIBU to think that the house should be spotless? 7.30 am until 5.45 pm when I pick the kids up from after school care, he is home, surely I should not have to come home and pick things up off the floor? The 3 older DC arrive home at 4.30 ish from school, and he cooks us all a dinner, but then the washing up stays in the sink until I end up doing it, school bags and coats and shoes on floor until i put them away...grrr.

I'm a moany cow aren't I?

No, I might not expect spotless, but I would expect basic tidy and clean if left alone for that long. He must be experienced with bar work now, can he change his employer to get more regular shifts? You would save a bomb.

I wouldn't expect it to be spotless, but I would expect him to do all the housework. No house will be spotless with six kids and two adults in it unless none of them were ever home!

I think with not only a DH but also three older DCs in the picture, you shouldn't have to do anything at all. Time everyone capable of doing something was required to pull their weight, not just the adults and not just the females....

no you are not expecting too much. You cannot do it all nor should you be expected to. If the roles were reversed would you think twice about keeping house? no, because you are a decent human being who believes in everyone pulling their weight. It is a sign of a lack of respect for you to not keep on top of it. No one can 'have it all' but if we all work together in a family perhaps we can all have some of it!

Thankyou for all replies, and I absolutely agree about the older DC. they do nothing around the house; I think I pamper them and spoil them a little to over compensate for a. working and b. them being part of a large family.

I wouldn't expect it to be spotless. But I would expect that all the housework is done once a week. Ironing and washing all done - at the very least you don't have to come in from work and do any of this.

Hmm. I agree with 6 DC, that will never be a spotless house. I don't think it's his fault if coats and school bags etc are on the floor. That's for the DC to do. Also it's not unreasonable for someone else to wash up if he has cooked dinner.
However, I think the situation does seem a bit unsatisfactory over all. You may have agreed to it originally, but perhaps you are not really content for him to be doing only 3 shifts a week while you are working full time, and this is showing through with resentment about mess.

Id sort of say lucky man OP, being able to swap and change at a whim. Why is it all about him? I'd also say he was a lazy arse, but that's my opinion I guess.

7 children maybe?

On the days he doesn't work he should bloody be washing up with the kids helping to dry up.

I wouldn't expect it to be spotless but it should be very tidy and I'd expect laundry, ironing, food shops and other general house stuff done!

I think the balance is way out here.

You work full time, he works weekends, so you have the DC's on your own I guess. Where is your down time? You are paying for his and getting none in return. I would be miffed...