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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really embarrassed!

25 replies

muchtooshy · 24/01/2014 22:51

I am shy and kind of awkward around men. Well most of them don't notice me at all.

I actually have a date with a man next weekend and am so nervous. I have pretty much zero experience with men but this one is nice - older and kind and has managed not to be bothered by my awkwardness - we only met recently and we haven't discussed our pasts or my lack of past.

He is going to think I am crazy. I like him but I think that he will think there is something wrong with me. Really getting nervous and it is only a first date.

OP posts:
VashtaNerada · 24/01/2014 22:54

I would just see it as the start of a friendship to take the pressure off a bit. Plus I bet he's nervous too !

mummyof2munchkins · 24/01/2014 22:59

Just be yourself. If he can't handle that he just isn't good enough for you.

It's not about what he wants. You should consider if he lives up to your standards. Please don't compromise your standards for anybody. They will only let you down.

wileycoyote · 24/01/2014 23:09

Try thinking about him, whether he is interesting, nice etc and not what he thinks of you.

handfulofcottonbuds · 24/01/2014 23:15

Where are you going on your date? Makes a difference to thinks you can chat about.

Mabelface · 24/01/2014 23:19

He likes you so much he wants to see you. that means he thinks you are interesting and lovely, so that's half the battle won. you can tell him that you're nervous, then find mutual interests to talk about. most of all, just be you, as that what attracted him in the first place.

PixelAteMyFace · 24/01/2014 23:19

Why would he think there is something wrong with you because you "don't have a past"?

He obviously likes you enough to ask you out, he has seen beyond the shyness and awkwardness and is interested in the person you really are.

Try not to think too much, and take your lead from him. You say he is kind, so I'm sure he'll do his best to put you at ease.

Just think of it as an evening with a new friend rather than a potential partner.

Hope you have a lovely time x

Abbykins1 · 24/01/2014 23:37

You sound really really nice and my only thoughts are,try not to let your shyness come across as being reserved and aloof.
If you tell him more or less straight away how you feel,I am sure you will both be able to relax and have a great time.

muchtooshy · 25/01/2014 11:25

I just feel awkward as he would probably expect me to be more experienced at my age.

Trying to think of it as meeting a friend - I really don't have much dating experience at all. I don't really know why he would be interested in me!

I did tell him I was nervous and he was nice about it. I wasn't sure if I should tell him! I just don't want him to think I am just a kid. He just seems so much more sure of himself and I am second guessing everything I say.

OP posts:
VashtaNerada · 25/01/2014 12:50

There's no assumption of anything physical on a first date, so your experience (or lack of!) really needn't be an issue. And even if you did get to that point, there's no 'right' way to be, lots of women feel (needlessly) embarrassed that they've had a lot of experience. It's just drinks with a friend, don't see it as any more than that.

muchtooshy · 25/01/2014 14:52

Oh no - nothing physical on a first date!

I just feel like I don't know the rules. I mean who pays on a first date and what is he expecting.

OP posts:
PixelAteMyFace · 25/01/2014 15:51

If this man is both kind and mature/experienced, and as you have already told him you are nervous, he will not be expecting anything physical on a first date, don't worry!

As for your lack of experience, well...no one is born with relationship experience, so we have all been novices at some point! Every relationship is a new learning experience anyway, as each individual is different and therefore so are the responses and reactions each elicits from the other.

This man is unlikely to expect you to pay for this first date, but you could offer to split the bill. If he insists on paying it all don't argue, just a simple "thank you" is enough.

Dinner (or drinks, or whatever) do not mean you are indebted to him, he is not doing you a favour by taking you out, he is doing this because he wants to spend time in your company.

Try to be your usual self (after all, he asked out your usual self, not some worldly-wise alter ego ) and most of all, try to enjoy the evening without thinking about the next stage, don't spoil the present moment by worrying about what might or might not come next.

And don't forget to let us know how you get on!Smile

muchtooshy · 25/01/2014 18:39

I just don't want to come across as young and really naïve .... he is quite a bit older than me and I don't improve when I am nervous.

He just really seems to like me which is pretty mind boggling!

OP posts:
RedchairBluechair · 25/01/2014 20:44

Muchtto shy, speaking as a man and older to boot, you sound nice and the fact that you are asking for advice shows that.

How old are you/he and what are the circumstances of him asking you out?

muchtooshy · 25/01/2014 20:48

I'm 26 and he is 45 (I think) and we met when I was out with friends. We have a couple of friends in common but hadn't met before.

OP posts:
RedchairBluechair · 25/01/2014 21:16

The advice in the thread above is all good.

I'm not sure what you mean about your lack of experience, but he will pick up on that and I am sure you will behave like a lady and he will act like a gentleman!

The thing not to do is try to be anything you are not -just be yourself and he will do the same.

If you are out for a meal or similar, my guess is he will want to pay, and you should let him -but you could offer to pay for the drinks -but mean it and do so! That removes any sense of obligation on either side.

muchtooshy · 26/01/2014 07:36

I just haven't spent much time around men - this is my first proper date and I am a bit nervous. Well a lot nervous!

It just feels like there are rules that I don't know about and that especially at my age he would expect me to be more experienced than I am.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 09:55

It's OK to be nervous but please try to get out of the mindset that he's doing you some kind of favour just by liking you. That smacks of low self-esteem and it can be easily exploited. Try to act confidently even if you don't feel all that confident and remind yourself... 'he's lucky I said yes'.... not the other way around.

The only 'rule' is to take things in a direction and pace that you are comfortable with.

yourehavingalaugh · 26/01/2014 10:23

If he is in his 40s and you are only 26, he knows you will be inexperienced (compared to him.) I bet he can't believe his luck!

muchtooshy · 26/01/2014 14:31

yourehavingalaugh - don't know about him not believing his luck!

I know with the age gap he will be more experienced but I am inexperienced compared to friends my own age too.

I don't have a vast amount of confidence but at the same time I don't think that I would be easily exploited - I am sure of my principles just not sure that I am interesting.

OP posts:
ineedabodytransplant · 29/01/2014 17:11

as an older bloke(even older than your date!) just be yourself. I guess you aren't too nervous when you are with your friends and that is the person he asked out, yes? I know it's easy to say relax when you aren't the one going on a date, but he asked you and he must have some idea who you are.
Don't pretend to know/do things that you don't as it will cause even more embarrassment. In a nutshell, go as friends, enjoy yourself and if things work out then take it from there.
Have a great time and make sure you let the readers of this thread know how it went? {grin]

wontletmesignin · 29/01/2014 17:19

Stop thinking so little of yourself. Why wouldnt he be interested in you?
If he wasnt, he wouldnt be after a date with you.

I think everybody gets nervous, with or without experience in dating.
I am very shy and reserved, even around women. That hasnt stop people liking me or even befriending me, or wanting a relationship with me.
Even though, like you, i have in the past wondered why.
I came to the conclusion, that just because i think im too quiet, and boring - doesnt mean others see me that way.

DoYouEverFeelLikeAPlasticBag · 29/01/2014 17:37

You know what OP - he's going to be counting his lucky stars to be out on a date with a 26 year old. He'll think he's the Bees Knees! Remember that, and like others have said, don't think that he's doing you a favour.. most people looking on would think the opposite!

Don't worry at all about 'experience', he probably likes the fact that you don't have much of a dating past. And as for feeling nervous about knowing the rules - I'd tell him that. Say "I haven't really done much of this before, so I'm not really sure what people do these days - shall we split the bill?" or whatever the issue is.

He ought to find it endearing that you're shy, if he's a nice guy he'll look after you.

Going on a first date is nerve wracking for everyone - don't worry, and try and enjoy it!

DoYouEverFeelLikeAPlasticBag · 29/01/2014 17:39

Oh and as for rules - there aren't any.

What in particular are you worrying about? You can ask us here what the 'done thing' is if you like

muchtooshy · 29/01/2014 17:57

I worry about the physical stuff and just figuring out if he is looking for casual or serious and all that stuff.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/01/2014 18:46

He won't think you're crazy just because you haven't been around the block. A conversation should involve two people equally, so if one dominates, "I, I, me, me" the other person will be left feeling like a passive audience.

Two things to look out for, is he polite to the waitress/barman/taxi driver? And how does he talk about other women, positively or disparagingly? Look at how he treats others and the way he treats you.

The main thing is, don't ever do something you're not comfortable with, speak up. You don't "owe" him because he buys you a drink and pays for tickets or buys you a meal. It doesn't give him a licence to paw. So there's no awkwardness and you don't feel beholden, don't pick the most expensive item on the menu and offer to buy a round of drinks now and then. Btw keep check on your alcohol intake so you keep your wits about you.

At the end of the evening, if you feel it's right, ie if you've enjoyed his company and you want to, let conversation tail off to create a helpful pause and end the date with a hug. If you are facing him, as he leans in, offer him your cheek or your lips.

Alternatively if you keep your distance, chat on and on, fumbling for keys, he'll work out that you don’t want to be kissed. See how you click!

Not all men are predatory. For some, attraction only intensifies if you turn down his advances on the first date. Shyness isn't going to put him off, only if you are totally clueless about social cues and interacting with him. He's not there to fix you, he's hoping for a pleasant night out, to get to know you better.

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