Is this EA?

[SadTwin]

Long story which I will try to condense....

My twin sister, always the life and soul of the party, loved a boogie, a drink and friendly flirting.... Family VERY close and always gather on birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc.

3 years ago she met a man, he is divorced with a child. Access once a week and every other weekend.

All went well for a couple of months, we met him once, he seemed okay... They went a to a party where she had a few to drink, danced and flirted a bit (as usual). He basically walked out and left her saying he didn't like her behaviour and if she ever did it again it would be 'over'. Instead of walking away, she complied. She hasn't touched a drop or had a dance since.

3 years later, they are living together and she has missed 2 very close friends' 40th parties. She pulled out of our joint 40th birthday party because he had booked a holiday for the week before and during our birthday celebrations (convenient). She hasn't attended any family events (christenings, Christmas, kids parties) for 3 years, because he 'doesn't do families'. Last year she wanted to visit us for an hour on Christmas Day, alone, because he didn't want to come... He told her if she did visit us he wouldn't be there when she got home. She didn't visit.

Her sparkle has gone, I miss her and I am worried that she isn't doing what she wants to do. She is isolated from her family, we rarely see her.

That is just a sample.... There are loads of things which send up red flags to me, but my Mum says she wouldn't be there if she wasn't happy and that he isn't treating her badly.

Am I over reacting?

Thanks

You're not overreacting. Some people, sadly, are so eager to be in a relationship and so eager to please that it makes them vulnerable to a controlling bully.

The 'red flag' if you like is that she is being systematically isolated from friends and family. First by his unpleasant/jealous reaction at a party, then by his alleged dislike of families, now by direct veto from him. It's deliberate, systematic and it's increasing by degrees... very difficult for a victim to appreciate how far things have deteriorated.

In your shoes, I would make some unscheduled visits - assuming that you live close enough to do so. Go round, knock on the door and let him know - verbally if necessary - that you're not giving up on her. Telephone calls and regular texts in the meantime.

:( feel so sad for you and your twin.

Have you spoken to your twin about this- just you and her?

I think you are correct and you are not overreacting at all; this man has gone on to isolate your sister from family and friends over the past 3 years. Such men are controlling and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. I think this bloke targeted your sister who may be an outwardly confident person but underneath may well have had shaky self esteem and worth. Such men like bringing down supposedly strong women and this is a script being played out here.

What you can do is stay in touch with her and encourage her to open up more about life now. Do not let this man isolate her from you.

Re this comment:-
"That is just a sample.... There are loads of things which send up red flags to me, but my Mum says she wouldn't be there if she wasn't happy and that he isn't treating her badly".

I think your mother needs to further educate herself here.
Unfortunately your mum is wrong in that her other daughter is unhappy and IS treating her badly. She may well associate abuse as just physical violence.

Many women do not readily leave abusive relationships readily for all sorts of reasons; fear of him, a lack of a support system, a feeling of embarrassment, a lack of money (she could be well on the receiving end of other types of abuse here like financial), him promising all the bloody time to reform, she hoping that he will change.

I would keep talking to your sister and see her as much as possible. Listen to her, keep listening and get her to talk more about life now.

I would also read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" as this will give you a further idea of the dynamics being played out here between your sister and he.

Thank you so much for your messages....

I have been through so many emotions with this. At first I was angry with her because she had chosen to do what he said. We had quite a few heated emails around it, and she told me that, actually, she was the happiest she has ever been and that she didn't ever really enjoy parties and drinking anyway. Really????

I was angry that he took her away on our 40th birthday - we'd been planning a joint party since we were little - he booked for them to go away but she agreed to go.... It was totally just to avoid a party/seeing family. I was so hurt, and to be honest, I do feel guilty because I was pretty mean (and selfish) at that time... And I know she felt torn between us.

My mum is a tricky one.... She doesn't WANT to see what is happening in front of her eyes... He does occasionally visit my parents with my sister, but spends the whole time talking about his terrible childhood (his dad is apparently very controlling of his mum, was regimented and didn't show any affection) and my mum feels sorry for him and says that is why he 'doesn't do families'... She literally screamed at me when I raised my concerns about how he treats my sister... She said "I just want her to have what you have" e.g husband and kids. My twin is DESPERATE for a child and has has 2 early miscarriages in the last 6 months.

I did realise I was playing into his hands by not being in touch with her as much so for the last year I've been more in touch with her, telling her how much I miss and love her. I don't believe she will ever confide in me if things are not good or she isn't happy. Same with friends, she knows none of them like him and I don't feel she would open up to any of them.

She's my other half and I miss her so much. We used to be so very close :-(

I really appreciate the advice - thank you :-)

Your sister appears to have exactly the same motivation as your mother.... just wants a husband and some kids... and, being age 37 when she met him, probably thought she was in the last chance saloon for both. It's incredibly sad that the bloke she happened to be with when the music stopped was an arsehole.

And, btw, when you tell me he had a 'terrible childhood' my eyes rolled so far back in my head, I may have to pay a visit to the optician to have them repositioned. It is SO typical of a selfish, obnoxious man to trot out the 'poor me', 'pity my rotten childhood' crap as an excuse, and if you want to know another reason your sister is with him it's because he's convinced her he needs her special care .. can't share her with others... we only need each other.

As for children. Not that she's really thinking rationally but, having children with a selfish controlling bully can make things 10 x worse. She'll be more financially dependent and he'll have even more ways to isolate her. Awful prospect.

So keep in touch. You're all she's got.

Cogito... You are spot on. I believe she thinks is in the last chance saloon, and agree that a child would be a bad move. When they have his 8 year old daughter for less than 24 hours, he has to have a lie down afterwards to recover... I can't see him helping with night feeds etc... And if he doesn't let he see her support network, well, I can only imagine the mess with that one.

And your comment that 'he needs her special care'... She went on holiday with her friends for a week to Ibiza (booked before they got together, and saved for for many years) and the whole time she was there, he called her saying he was having anxiety attacks and he needed her to help him through them. She rarely left her bedroom the whole week... He is on medication for anxiety... again, she falls back on this for the reason he doesn't want her to go out/meet family.

I wish my mum could see what's happening :-(

Your mother for her own reasons cannot - or will not - see what is happening here. Denial is also a powerful force.

As Cogito has stated, do keep in regular contact with your sister, listen and encourage her. Read Lundy Bancroft's book as well.

I doubt very much that your sister is or was as outwardly confidence as she appeared; controlling men like this one she's shackled herself to seem to have radar for finding women who have confidence issues and shaky self worth (along with a desperation to have a family and children). He honed in on all her insecurities with unfortunate predictable result, she was indeed targeted.

Someday the scales may fall from her eyes; but I doubt very much she will leave him any time soon. Such men also take many years to recover from.

Although there is no specific ?type? of person who is more likely to be abused, there are abuse victim characteristics which people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display. These can include:

Low self esteem
Emotional and economic dependency
Continued faith and hope abuser will "grow up"
Depression
Stress disorders and/or psychosomatic complaints
Accepts blame and guilt for violence
Socially isolated, eg avoids social interaction, never seems to be alone
Believes social myths about battering
Believes in stereotypical sex roles
Has poor self image
Contemplates or attempts suicide, or self-harms
Participation in pecking-order battering
Appears nervous or anxious
May defend any criticism of abuser
May have repeatedly left, or considered leaving the relationship

Although the above list is not exhaustive and may not always indicate an abusive relationship, many abuse victims show many of these behaviours and attitudes or change in some other, subtle way.

Another of the abuse victim characteristics is suffering from what is called traumatic bonding, where, to put it very briefly, a very strong emotional bond is built up with increases the more trauma is experiences. This is why so many abuse victims feel that they really really love their abuser - they are mistaking traumatic bonding with love.

" he called her saying he was having anxiety attacks and he needed her to help him through them"

The correct psychiatric term is 'a head-fuck'. Poor cow. He's doing a real number on her.