No affection from my partner, how do you think he feels about me?

[Newmummee]

Hey, I'm a new mum to a 8 week old DD. My partner never really shows me affection anymore, he never really initiates a cuddle or kisses me, to be honest he hasn't done in a long while. He does tell me he loves me now and again and he does do things for me that are thoughtful. I have told him how I feel, like I want cuddles and affection and he does for a day then it stops. Maybe he loves me as we been together 10 years but doesn't feel like he wants to cuddle or kiss me anymore? What do you think?

How much time does he spend on his laptop?

How could we know?

How can you know unless you ask him?

There could be any number of ways he could feel about you.

He could be waiting for you to be more demonstrative so he can react to you. He could be blissfully happy and just not a very demonstrative person. He could feel jealous of the baby. Loads of different possibilities that I can think of but I don't know either of you. Hell, you do know him better than anyone else and you don't know!

There's no easy answer, you need be brave and to find a way to ask him. Good luck x

You keep initiating. Unless he rejects you? Though you say he tells you he loves you. That's positive. Has he previously been demonstrative? You say he hasn't for a long while. He may find it difficult. My DH wasn't demonstrative. I accepted that was just him but it made me very unhappy. I respected his space and didn't initiate. Then talking to him I realised he didn't know how, was uncomfortable with affection but wanted to be affectionate. We are working through it now. Don't do what I did and ignore it for a long time. I have the benefit of hindsight!

Yeh I suppose but I'm too emotional to have that convo yet. What does it matter about how much on laptop by the way??

You have just had a baby, course you are emotional. When you are ready, talk. Until then, if you are comfortable doing it, you initiate. Give him hugs when you need them.

Congratulations by the way.

Because there seems to be a pattern that when some blokes become distant and less affectionate, they are looking at left handed websites. I've read threads on here that indicate too much porn can ruin relationships. Just looking at it as a first port of call really.

Whilst I can't tell you how your dh feels about you, I feel your pain as my dh is the same and we've been married 10 yrs too. He has never been a tactile person and just doesn't seem bothered about affection/hugs, I would go as far as to say he was almost afraid of physical contact when we first got together! He is also the only person I have ever known who, when being hugged, would not return the hug i.e. he would stand there with his arms by his side. I find this very hurtful and we've had lots of arguments about it over the years when he will say he doesn't realise he does this. Things improve for a while and then drift back to how they were, I don't know if there is an answer to it tbh.

Meant to ask, is your dh selfish in other ways? My dh is and I believe the affection thing is just another part of him being the centre of his own universe.

I was going to say that maybe he isn't sure what level of affection is required. I know I have difficulty judging how much physical affection to give what with the competing influences of being "touched-out by kids" yet at the same time trying to maintain a relationship that isn't just parents-to-shared-kids. Then there's always the physical affection leading to sex conundrum. It's always difficult when babies come on the scene, it adds a whole new dimension to a relationship, often with a fair amount of melancholy.

But if you've told him what you want, then I guess none of the above apply.

Yes fat fingers he can be selfish but not intentionally, he has had hard childhood and has suffered with depression/anxiety in the past, maybe that's something to do with it.

Maybe he feels it's a bit overwhelming. It's a life changing moment when you realise you're now responsible for something so delicate and important.

Interesting that you mention the affection leading to sex Keepithidden because I have found that the lack of affection means that sex doesn't happen naturally and spontaneously so it has caused problems in that way too.

Does he give affection if you initiate Newmummee? Is it just the fact that he doesn't initiate that bothers you?

He was like it before we had baby, he will cuddle me if I ask for one.... But I just want him to want to cuddle me etc.

Can you pinpoint a time when we stopped being affectionate in the way you want? Or has it been a gradual fade over the past ten years?

I'm assuming he wasn't always like this anyway.

If it wasn't caused by your pregnancy/arrival of your DD I'd be looking for other triggers. Big life change events, bereavements, job changes that kind of thing.

Interesting that you mention the affection leading to sex Keepithidden because I have found that the lack of affection means that sex doesn't happen naturally and spontaneously so it has caused problems in that way too

Sorry, missed that 'Fingers. It's a bit "damned if you don't damned if you do" then? I can understand that completely, I've failed to walk that fine line!

If you don't feel loved, you are not loved. If someone says 'I love you' but doesn't show it, then it's just an empty phrase. A hug or a cuddle is not an effort for a loving partner. Only a very very cold fish would need to be asked.

Gradual fade over time really.... He does do lovely things for me but he's a lovely person too so why wouldn't he.... I just wonder if he still loves me in that way

'... in that way'.

The Greeks had several words for love depending on what type of love it was. What you're asking for is bog-standard, enthusiastic, you are the centre of my world, tactile, pleased to see you, let me be physically close to you love. A half-witted dog would be able to do it. And yet this man (and I use the word tentatively) for whom you have gone through the effort of having a baby, finds it too much of a stretch to put an arm around you....

So whatever kind of love it is he thinks he feels for you... it's just not cutting the mustard

I think all you can do is talk with him about it. Men are different - my ex was never much of a cuddler, and as I was only 16 when getting with him, I believed that was how all men was, and that I had some unusual need for cuddles and closeness. He simply didn't need it, but was perfectly happy in our relationship (though I didn't realise until I left him). I never told him I needed more affection, so can't completely blame him for it all. My new boyfriend is very cuddly and affectionate, often more so than me, and I really enjoy it!

Point being; he might just not be one of those cuddly guys? The only way you can find out is by talking to him, to see whether he's still emotionally "in it", or if he's checked out for some reason.

I actually think neiljames has a point...perhaps you might want to look into that. My DH used to make me feel a little like this...we had sex etc but there wasn't alot of kissking or cuddling. He had always denied ever using porn...guess what I found out...he did and alot. Needless to say things have changed since that discovery.