Emotional affair.... yes or no?

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I have a very good male friend who is married with children. He and I have been friends for over 25 years and I have known him since before he was married. I am also married and my dh is aware of our friendship and they are also friends.

We talk about once a week on the phone and have meet up on occasions for lunch if he is in my area and has some time. We get on well and recently there has been a few sexual jokes and innuendos made. I have known him such a long time, I just comment accordingly and laugh it off. But , if I haven't spoken to him in more than a week or so, I actually miss speaking to him.

I'm confused. I don't see anything wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex. But all the recent EA posts have me unsure of the difference between friendship with a man and an EA with that man. As I mentioned, my dh knows that we talk a lot, but I don't discuss what we discussed with my dh. Its not that I have stuff to hide, its as dh isn't really interested and a lot of it is business related anyway. I don't know though, if he tells his dw what we discussed.

Am i reading too much into this? Its not something i even thought about before until i read some posts relating to EA.

Not an EA at all. But some shrieking harpies on here will tell you that it is, and that you shouldn't even speak to another man, never mind speak on the phone with him, or, heaven forbid, meet up with him.

It doesn't sound like an EA at the moment: the key test for me would be whether it would be something you feel you should hide from your DH and it sounds like he is fine.

But I would just monitor your feelings about him and be aware to any signals that you are starting to rely on him emotionally more than your DH.

I would cut out the sex talk but it sounds ok to me

Sorry to disappoint you, MrsS

I don't think it sounds like EA. Currently going through the aftermath of H having EA, it wasn't like this.

If your friend wasn't male, you wouldn't even question it. Girls chat with innuendo and joke about sex. Girls miss each other if they don't chat for a while.

An EA is generally secretive, time consuming, ego stroking.

Guys and girls can just be friends, its just that those who believe they can't usually have something to hide

It doesn't sound like an emotional affair to me at the moment but keep it in check as you will be surprised how feelings can quickly develop. I have good male friends from uni etc that I would have a joke with sexual innuendo included but I don't think I would actively miss them as such if we didn't speak for a while. I did have an emotional affair where it started off thinking of them a little to thinking of little else, I'm not sure when the line was crossed.

Ignoring the 'shreaking harpies' comment which is just a misogynistic silencing technique, it sounds like a perfectly normal friendship apart from the fact that you allude to things changing recently, after all these years.

You say the innuendo is a recent thing, you say you miss it if you haven't spoken to him for more than a week or so.

So this friendship might be steering into unknown territory if what you're doing, saying and feeling has changed after all these years. Even if you acknowledge that it has, it would be worth looking at what's going on in your life now that's changed too. Not necessarily in your relationship, but in life itself.

Do you feel you need a prop at the moment that you haven't needed before?

I would think that if you find yourself deleting or having to hide messages then you should ask yourself why

Come on...won't one harpie shriek?

Shriek!! :)

We all need friends and most of us talk about stuff with friends (either gender) that we don't necessarily tell our partners. That's normal. Banter is fine but innuendo less so. Privacy is fine but secrecy is not advisable.

Chat once a week and meeting up occasionally for lunch is not an EA.

Your mate may just enjoy the flirty sexual banter, or perhaps he fancies you, either way I'd pack that in so there are no 'blurred lines'.

We get on well and recently there has been a few sexual jokes and innuendos made.

So this bit is a new development, yes? Hmm.

I'm very interested reading about EAs, I hadn't thought much about them until recently. I became involved with an old friend on FB, whom I hadn't seen in 30+ years, and whilst the messages were friendly and flirty at first, pretty soon they became very intimate and I found myself very emotionally involved and spending my days waiting to hear from him and agonising when I didn't. After much heartache (mine), it ended at New Year, when I realised it was doing me (and my DH, though he doesn't know), no favours and the contact was causing me such upset. Three months of incredible highs and lows and I still miss him terribly, but I hope, having learnt the very hard way, that I won't ever find myself in that situation again. Having unfriended him on FB - before I really became obsessed with him - I still have to wrestle with myself not to text or message him but it has been incredibly painful and hard. I have never had any sort of affair before and have been happily married for 20 years ... so please do be mindful that it can be very easy to enjoy the intimacy and attention a little too much, feeling special and sexy, especially when everyday life becomes a bit samey. Good luck. Xxx

Doesnt sound like an EA, however sounds as if it could develop into one. Youve thought about situation enough to post here. I also have a good male friend Ive known for 25 years+. My OH has got to know him via me. We see each other occasionally for lunch, as he works down the road from where I live. Aside from that its the odd text, probably a phone call once a month. I dont miss not speaking to him in between then at all. If a long time goes by I'll wonder what he's up to, and give him a quick call. My OH doesnt ask what we talk about - like yours, he isn't really interested. But if I want to bring up what we spoke about in conversation then I do, without even thinking about it really. There are no sexual jokes & innuendos and never have been. Your situation is straying towards crossing boundary from friendship into something else. Given that you are both in relationships, thats inappropriate

I might be back later to do a Harpie Shriek

yes I think if it gets to the point you become secretive about the messages and meetings I think thats what you need to be aware of from what I have read before.