Help, I don't want DP to leave me

[Yedley]

I need advice on how to save my 4 year relationship. August last year I lost my beloved grandfather very suddenly, a few months before that I lost my dad very suddenly too. I've had history of anxiety and depression I was on sertraline but came off it in June last year after 6 months on it, I took myself off it because I stupidly thought I could cope. Since august it feels like my world has fallen apart.
Me and my partner are self employed, I have 2 children my son is not my partner's child but treats him exactly the same as our daughter. I thought I could cope after my dad died but since my paternal grandfather has gone too my life seems like it has spiralled out of control. I have no motivation to get up out of bed, I haven't worked for the past 2 months, the thought of getting out if the house makes me physically sick, most days I don't get dressed. I spend the day in the house with DD, I feel like such a shit mum. I used to post here a lot but I felt lie coming on here made me feel even more of a failure as a mum and a partner.
My partner is getting gradually more and more frustrated with me, he has started coming home from work and commenting about how I've spent another day sitting on my arse. I feel like I can't talk to him because he gets angry about money and how he feels like he is under so much pressure to support us all. We haven't had sex since October last year and this gets to him, he says he feels rejected. He also comments on how I'm living off of him and I need to get back to work. He thinks I'm being lazy but I feel like my life has come to a standstill. I never had a relationship with my bio dad for my whole life and him dying seems so final.
When I try to talk to DP he doesn't listen and ends up shouting because he says he doesn't understand. I love him but I feel like I've let everyone down. In November I started talking to a male friend from uni who lives in America, I find it easier to talk to him then DP because I feel like he isn't judging me. Nothing inappropriate has happened between us, but yesterday he offered to put me and the kids up in his house in America for a few weeks so I could get away from things at home. He also has admitted he has feelings for me. Now I feel like I've led him on and betrayed my DP, which makes me feel even worse.
I want our relationship to work so much but I feel so isolated right now, the doctors keep trying to diagnose me with PND, because DD is still a baby but I don't believe this diagnosis but maybe I'm in denial. I just want someone to shake me out of this. I'm so scared DP will leave me.

I'm so sorry for both your losses. That's a lot to deal with in a short time for anyone.

What could you do to help yourself?

Would going back on ads help? Counselling? both?

I wouldn't dream of going to America. Your friend might be trying to help and not be taking advantage while you are feeling vulnerable but that sounds like a lot of stress potentially and a bit silly.

Your dp doesn't sound sympathetic but perhaps you could sit down with him and discuss a plan to try and get out of this hole your in?

I just feel like a failure because people lose their loved ones everyday and people deal with it and move on so why can't i? I just want to be the happy person I was and not this monster that people feel they can't connect with anymore. DP does loads around the house too, which he (I guess rightly so) gets angry because he says he works all day and I'm not pulling my fair share.

It's frustrating I can talk to strangers in the internet but when it comes to DP I get a sort of block where I can't explain how I'm feeling. I understand why he gets annoyed, I just want to be able to talk to him without him getting listed off. I feel now too much time has passed for us to talk about it.

*getting pissed off

People don't just 'deal with it and move on'. Some are really knocked for 6.

Sorry for all this posting but I the reality is deep down I'm so angry at my dad for never being there for me throughout my whole life and then he died. So I will never have the relationship I wanted, even though I know he never had any interest in me. Then when I think that in my head I feel like such a disgusting person because how can you feel angry at someone who has died? It makes it hard for me to let go, he died with so many things left unsaid between us and I feel robbed. That sounds so selfish I know.

Are you being treated for depression at all?

You may need bereavement counselling as well.

In addition, you may need to get someone talking to your OH about depression, and maybe get him in one of your bereavement counselling sessions so that you can explain to him how you feel too.

But you need to work on trying to get better and actually seek help. That may mean accepting that you may have depression and taking medicine to see if you can improve.
Because if I was in a relationship with someone who did nothing all day and refused to get help, TBH, I'd want to leave too and would feel taken for granted.

Also, stop contact with this friend, and confide instead in a professional or a friend without ulterior motives.

You have to remember that you have a child and a partner who need you. You have unresolved issues with your dad that you should address proactively, not just wallowing on it and talking about it with a male friend overseas.
Look around at the people who love you, your child and your partner, they are the ones who deserve your thoughts and your concern.

Get a doctors appointment today (even if for later) and get the help you need.

If you want to keep your relationship I think you need to take more responsibility for getting better. Stop obstructing support from your GP. Get counselling. And tell your husband what you're doing, explain the efforts you are making to recover.

You really need to go back to the doctors, and bereavement counselling could help you too, we lost my 4 year old nephew in 2012 and my mum is on ad, there is nothing to be ashamed of about needing to use them, my mum is a much better person to be around now, we'll never get over losing him but my mum can now see a little clearer. x

I'm very sorry for your losses.

Why are you in denail over the PND? If you have a history of depression you will be more susceptible. It's nothing to be ashamed of and taking medication if it helps is a good thing.

You need to get to your GP ASAP. Doctors will rarely diagnose something like PND if they aren't sure. Listen to the experts and give the treatment they suggest a try. What is the worst that could happen?

Something like moving to America for a while is escaping and not dealing with the situation. It won't help in the long run. Believe me, been there, done that. You must focus on getting yourself better first before you can think of anything else. For your children, for you, for your dp.

If you are refusing a diagnosis and ultimately treatment then that will be very difficult for him to hear. Once you have agreed a treatment plan with your doctors then he may understand better what it is you have to do as a couple to get through this.

Counselling would be very beneficial as well. But take care of you first - one step at a time. Be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot.

Forgot to add, don't make any big decisions right now. There is time for all of that. Get into a clearer mindset and speak to your doctor and then see how you feel a bit further down the line as you get better.

Whether specifically PND or not, you are showing all the signs of a deep depression. Most of the people you see that seem to have coped well with sad events a) don't have them close together (father AND grandfather dying close together) b) have them when they are at a prime time to get PND and c) are mostly taking anti-depressants to help them cope.

You say you have a history of anxiety and depression and were taking something to help you cope. Then you took yourself off that drug in June then your beloved grandfather died 2 months later in August.

The doctor is not trying to diagnose you with PND, he has diagnosed the condition (an assessment of what the problem is) but for some reason you won't accept it. Please go back to him & start over, taking any drugs he prescribes and if he doesn't offer counselling then ask for it.

Bereavement has taken it out of you, deciding to take yourself off the tablets when you did was in hindsight a mistake. If you are struggling then day to day living becomes an effort and libido disappears. Do not be fooled by apparent ease with which others deal with anything painful or distressing. Nobody can see behind closed doors or whether a person lies awake crying at 3a.m.

Please start by arranging to see your GP , when booking it ask for a double appointment so you don't feel as rushed.

Going back onto medication in the circumstances is not a backward step nor admission of failure. (You must have missed the pages on MN when other posters write despairingly of not being Supermum). However strong you felt momentarily last summer things have shifted. Now with extra pressure from DP you are panicking.

Whatever the problems I don't see why you should feel guilty about DP shouting at you. He may not fully comprehend what you're going through but there are better ways to support a partner. If you can tell him you have been struggling but want very much to get well starting by getting appropriate help it's a start.

Btw An adult will sometimes hear what they want to regardless of what is being said. Escaping to America for a break would be a nice fantasy getaway but you already know it's a dream don't you. Don't spend time fretting over how your friend in America might have misconstrued something. I doubt you led him on.

Hey,

Firstly can I say I really do not believe that going to America will solve any of your problems. I do think you are still suffering as a consequence of the unfortunate loss of your dad/gd. I also think that in some cases, especially in the short term ADs can be a massive help. Would you consider taking them again? I hate to say it but you do have to take some responsibility for yourself as well. You need to make some changes as it is not right that everyone is being affected by your troubles. And I do mean that kindly. Staying as you are will achieve nothing for anyone.

Please call the docs and get yourself some meds. Tell your dh you are going to do this as you don't want things to continue as they are.

Don't worry too much about your dd, children can be resilient but try to do something little and positive with her each day - that will make you feel more positive.

Good luck and please make some changes I. Your life today, call the gp/arrange counselling just something. There are free help lines etc.

I think you need to speak to your DP.

Acknowledge that you realise your behaviour is having an affect on him and that you love him very much, hate feeling the way you do but hate even more that this has hurt him and want to change things for the better.

Yes, you've been under great strain but showing your partner that you recognise he's been suffering too and that you want to put things right is a great first step.

From there you can then both tackle what needs to be changed. Maybe visit the GP together, work as a couple so you are both supporting each other. He'll feel better to know that he can help you and you'll feel better being supported by him.