consent vs non consent

[nogo1]

Sorry if this has been done before just need to talk :( not sure how I am supposed to feel. I went out saturday night and got drunk.. I was with a coupled friends. I started getting phone calls and messages off a guy I had kissed before but I was so drunk I couldnt understand much that was going on. Ok so shouldnt have got in that way just wasnt dealing with some grief very well and I was with trusted friends who saw me home safe. Only this guy and his friend were waiting near mine (I had known them long ago in high school and apart from brief encounter with the 1 where I had stated I wasnt after 'fun' as he put it) they had bags of alcohol with them and tried to get into mine I said no and then I was sick outside. Shameful enough. They left and I came in and went to bed. Friends having left me. An hour later my door was knocking and I opened it. My 6 year old was here in bed. I let him in. Cant remember any conversation. But ended up messing about in bed. He was touching me down below very rough and it hurt I asked him to stop and he did. He tried to penetrate me and I said no not without protection I told him I wasnt on anything and also I didnt know if he was clean. I remember him saying he is clean bit drunk and been on cocaine and he said he doesnt know what he is doing. I told him I wasnt going to have sex with him and I fell asleep.. assumed he had too. I woke up some time later. He was inside me I was really disoriented and couldnt work out what was happening. It sounds so stupid. I only then remember he was soft and I didnt know if he had spent or just lost it having realised I was now awake saying no. I fell back asleep. The morning was hell. Just wanted him to leave. He got stressed because he couldnt find his boxers. I couldnt even talk properly just wanted him to leave. He tried to kiss me I didnt respond and he repeated still no response he then told me he was definitely going to call me for fun... sick!! He left and I set about scrubbing every trace of him off me. Before making my way to clinic for levonelle

Have you contacted the police?

Sorry should say I also told him I didnt want pregnancy or morning after pill. I think the morning I was very shocked but when nurse asked if I consented I just cried. She tried to encourage me to report it and also allow examination. I just wanted to get home and curl up on sofa. I did. But tonight the nurse called me saying her boss had reported it as public concern and the police have left a message card through my door. I cant make sense of anything though

Doesn't sound like you consented to me. I would definitely contact the police & file a report. I can understand why you feel confused, I'm sorry this happened to you it sounds horrible. No matter what anyone says you are a victim here and this is not your fault.

Contact the police, that, in anyone's book, is rape. Also call Rape Crisis.

I know I should report and try make sure it doesnt happen to others. But none of it makes sense. I have been fine apart from feeling sick at times. But the thpught of sharing with peers (especially in a small non forgiving town) terrifies me more than anything else

You have nothing to be ashamed about.

I know but I cant help feeling ashamed, firstly putting myself in that position secondly now not doing anything about it, I know I can change the latter but life would be hell everyone would know I would be talked about and judged, I did everything wrong, washing and not wanting to be examined, I was hurting, didn't want to be touched worried about what people would think, I have been to work every day this week and they don't know a thing, I don't want them to know anything either, I have spoken to a couple of friends and the nurse has given me a number I can call for support, I just really didn't want the police involved either. I don't want to go through any of it with them, obviously I have found myself here which I know suggests I need support. so thankyou for replies, and I think I feel that I cant help others by reporting maybe I can if they see this and know it is not ok

You shouldn't be ashamed or afraid of anything. No means no, and that means he raped you. Trying to make it ok by kissing you the next day and then saying he would do it again is him attempting to justify his behaviour.

You saying stop means no, you being too drunk means no, you saying not without protection means no and mostly you being asleep means no. This man is a moron who has zero respect for you, probably all women, and obviously doesn't recognise the enormity of his actions.

You seem so apologetic in your post, the fact is you have nothing to justify. You are perfectly ok to go out, enjoy yourself and get drunk without the fear or actuality of sexual assault, this is nothing to do with that. This man chose to do this and all fault lies with him, whatever you drank or however much you drank.

Please talk to someone close to you who you can trust to support you. This is a horrible thing to get your head around.

You didn't put yourself in any position nogo1, this man chose to do that. He knew you were drunk and he knew you said no and he knew you were asleep and still did it.

People can be harsh and judgemental, but I guarantee he will (rightly) be the one under judgement.

You didn't do anything wrong with the washing etc its understandable. He is the one who needs to be ashamed. He will be the one to be judged. You did not put your self into any position. If you speak to someone who is trained it will help even if you don't report it.

But he shouldn't get away with this.

It's ok to not report it. You should, but don't beat yourself up about it if you feel it is better for you not to. Have you considered telling him what he did was wrong, not consensual and he is to stay away from you. I worry if you're in a small town you may run into him again and he needs to know to stay away.

You have done nothing wrong - nothing at all - he is a scummy fucking bastard and you are perfectly entitled to report him to the police for his crime.

Alcohol makes you feel guilty, so that can make you feel guilty even when nothing has happened. Its a horrible feeling at the best of times :(

Even if you don't call the police (that is totally up to you) do call the number your friend gave you, you need supporting as a victim of a crime.

Just like RRRJ says, No means no, and more than that, you were too drunk to give consent anyway - it was Rape and he probably knows this - i hope the scum fuck is shitting himself and waiting for the police to call - bastard.

I'll say it again, you have done NOTHING wrong

I think he knows what he did was wrong, my friend who was with me that night I have spoken to and she has a good idea who it was even though I cant speak his name, I immediately took him and his friend off my facebook page, unfortunately on the Monday when I went to get lunch at work break, I went to a local shop and nearly went smack into him im sure he looked at me and looked away, which spoke volumes of guilt to me and I have not heard from him since although it has only been 5 days since it happened, I don't want to approach the subject with him but if he does contact me I will make sure he knows, the main fear is disbelief I had been through something not quite as sinister before where a stranger had tried to undress me in sleep when I stayed at a friends I woke and kneed him where it hurts before running out of there when I spoke to my friend about it he asked him and all knowledge was denied and of course my name was mud then,