How do you tell your spouse it's over?

[abitwrong123]

We have been together for over a decade, married for a short while, he has been really badly behaved in the past and over time I have just lost the will to try to keep this going.

His behaviour has at times been really aggressive, he can be really spiteful if we argue although that isn't very often nowadays.

I know that he has been unfaithful in the past although not for a long time as far as I can work out.

I think the biggest thing though, is that we are just too different. He is so negative about people, life in general, I try to be positive as much as I can. I hate going out with him, he gets incredibly drunk and can then be very nasty, I'm a happy drinker and I never get so ratted that I can't speak without slurring. People have commented (ie friends and family) before about his behaviour when drunk. Some of his friends only came to our wedding for an hour or because of his behaviour on a lads trip.
He doesn't like my friends and I don't really like his. Just nothing in common I think.

I am going through a pretty stressful time workwise at the moment and I think it has just cemented in my mind that I don't have the headspace to try to make this work anymore.
I have to go away for work quite a lot and the last time I had such a brilliant time because I could just be me. At home I have to be a completely different person.

I recently met someone and I am hugely attracted to them, I don't think I would be if things were as they should be at home.

The kicker is that after years of him being a git he is all of a sudden being very loving / clingy. Wants to cuddle, tells me he loves me all the time. I just find it suffocating. I don't want to have sex with him, I don't want him to cuddle me.
It's awful because I know I'm probably making him feel crap and I don't want to hurt anyone. I do try to be kind to people as far as I can.

So, how do I tell him? I know he will be devastated, he will quite possibly become very angry and that worries me too.
I just don't even know how to start a conversation.

As you are worried about his mood when you tell him, I would do as other posters have said regarding getting all the paperwork together and I would plan meticulously a get away when he is not expecting it so I could get whatever I wanted away from the house and deal with the fall out from afar. You will be safer that way and I think it's time you put yourself first. On the phone you may find it easier to tell him EXACTLY why you are gone, including his affair. I think he should be aware that you know about his poor behaviour in every respect.

Hi,

I just wanted to update you all. My husband assaulted me yesterday in front of our 13 yr old so has been arrested and is now out of the house.
He is apparently convinced that it's just an argument that got out of hand although my rather strong pain killers and a whole heap of bruises say otherwise....

DD is doing ok today, v up and down. She was incredibly brave yesterday both during the awfulness and afterwards when she was asked to give a statement. I am so proud of her.She did everything I told her to including managing to get herself out of the house and to a safe place, I am actually in awe of how amazing she is.

So thanks for all your support ladies but I don't think I'll be needing to have that particular conversation with him now.

I'm so sorry to hear this! and glad your daughter can be relied on to stay safe herself. Wish she did not have to learn that one....

Please take photos of the damages ("selfies") because he is already trying to minimize what has happened and you need proof - will also keep you from wobbling and taking him back.

Also think you need good legal advice, to keep him out of the home, etc. and figure out how you will manage now. Do stay strong!! I've been through some of this, and I know how your emotions will push and pull, but you have to stay strong mentally. Good luck!

Also - can you get to a GP or A&E? Do make sure nothing is needing attention, and they can log it for use legally. But mostly, be sure you're actually OK. It is really hard to admit what has happened, but you need outside support.

I'm so sorry, Abitwrong, that it's ended this way. I hope you are ok if a bit sore.

Well, it's out of your hands now. Make sure you have a breather from the FW and turn your phone off etc. I take it there'll be a non mol order now so you should be safe. SS might be involved as you have children. As long as the danger is out of your lives permanently their involvement should be short lived.

Think forward. You are free to plan a happy life for you and your DCs.

Thank you

Yes I really wish she hadn't learnt that one but I am awfully glad that she could do it if you see what I mean.

I've had the photos done as we had to do them for the police today. You have to wait 24 hrs to let the bruises come out which is an awful thing to have to think about but practical I suppose.

I've got an appointment tomorrow with a solicitor to see what we need to do next. I completely get what you are saying about the emotions, on the one hand I feel sorry for him as he has just lost his home, marriage etc but on the other hand I loathe him.
I have no intention of having him home, even if I wanted to I would be hugely wrong to minimise what he has done and basically send my dd the message that violence is something to be brushed under the carpet.

I know the next few days/weeks/months will be rubbish but I am looking forward to a more peaceful time coming soon.

Thanks Teeny [smile}

I would welcome social services to be honest as I think they will probably be a good support in keeping him out of the home.
I think it will be a non-molestation order but I don't really know too much about it all so will find out tomorrow.

Physically I am really uncomfortable but I think that will be a lot better in a couple of days and I can take painkillers as needed so all in all I will be fine.
I'm just worried about dd and the mental side effects for her but I should think we can access some counselling through the school.

Just an update from last night, I have told H that I want to be alone, I'm not happy with him and I think our relationship is very unhealthy. He took it well initially, then he got up grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the fridge and drove off in the car!😧
I told him to stop being silly and calm down but he went! His phone is off and obviously now I am worried about him. It's really horrible to think this but I have a feeling this is a game or cry for help from him. Anyone had similar dealings when ending relationships?

So sorry I've wrote my comment on the wrong post xx

How are you now?

This sounds like my life? My family tell me to leave..... I love my husband though

I know he doesn’t treat me right, and I deserve better. I know if I leave it will hurt him which I can’t stand. And also I know our families will blame me-they only see the things he pays and think I’m lucky. They haven’t seen him throw things across the room/at me because I’ve had a night out