More of my stbxh being shite with contact

[Strawberrykisses]

I've posted before about stbxh being abusive, controlling, only wanting to see the kids with me. He seemed to improve (stopped sending abusive message ) and so I've been meeting him sometimes so we could go for lunch with the kids. He won't arrange this in advance, I usually get a message in the morning asking to meet that day. It's literally an hour or two and more and more he is disengaged from the kids, leaving the table to make or take phone calls, not really speaking except to tell the kids off. He is really impatient, and goes into proper telling off mode from nothing the second the do anything even a little irritating.
I know I've let this go on too long and I have been trying to talk to him about sorting proper contact arrangements as this isn't stable enough for the kids. While they might seem ok with it now, as they get older I really think it will be bad for them to never know if and when they will see him and wether he will actually have anything to offer them in terms of interaction.
He refuses to commit to anything. He told the kids (2&4) a few days ago that he wasn't going to see them for a long time. Told me he needed a few months to sort his head out. I told him he is a shitty excuse for a father. This morning he text asking to have DS overnight. I said I didn't know, I don't want him to be disappointed if he decided its too much like hard work and ducks out. I said he could go if stbxh commits to having him overnight once per week and taking both DS and DD for an afternoon once a week. He refused. Says he just wants to try tonight to see how he feels about it.
I'm furious. These are our kids. My children. They drive me bloody mental sometimes but I would die for them, I would walk through fire if it was what was best for them and he can't even be arsed to commit a few bloody hour a week.
When we first split he was having the kids a few times per week, some of these overnight, both kids together. Then he found I had a new DP and this is when this all started. I appreciate he's pissed off about that, but it's not me or DP he's punishing, it's the kids.
I've told him if he can't commit to something to give the kids some stability and a reliable father then they are better off without him. He replied that if he can't see them any more I will have to tell them and when they are older he will tell them that I stopped him from seeing them.
Would I be wrong to stop contact? I just want the kids to know where they stand.

You can't make him have them consistently.

You could also not tell the children he's having them until he's right there unless he lets them down.

If you withdraw contact and he doesn't bother to go to court then yes, in the future he could make up all sorts of crap.

If he's bothered about your new partner then the less you show you 'need' him for contact the more he's likely to do it.

He is, of course, a total fuck wanker.

The problem is my sons behaviour gets really disruptive and bad when it's inconsistent. He doesn't like to have it sprung on him and if it is he says he doesn't want to see him. When he hasn't seen the kids for a while DSs behaviour is improved, then after he sees his dad it's terrible, then a bit better for a few days until he starts to ask if he's seeing daddy again at which point it's terrible again for a few days till he adjusts again. I just want to be able to mark it on a calendar so he can count down and know what's going on.

I don't ask him to see the kids any more, I see my DP with the kids or when my mum has them.

Yes, he is a fuck wanker. I'm utterly disgusted by him

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be heart-wrenching.

I think you should tell him that he's got to set a (more or less) regular schedule to see his children, because children need reliable routines, and that his irregular visits are actually hurting them. If he still refuses, then so be it. You are not keeping him from seeing his children - you are refusing to let him hurt his children. Which are completely different things.

Perhaps you might be able to get backup on this from your doctor, a psychologist, a teacher...?

I really wanted them to have a good relationship, but tbh, he was horrible to them when we were together, I don't know why expected him to improve now :(

Being horrible to your children on a systematic basis is a form of abuse. They will feel that it's their fault that their own daddy - who is supposed to love them - dislikes them, and that will generate a terrible low self-esteem.

To be honest, it sounds like both you and your children are well rid of this person. If he wants to have a relationship with his children, he should work towards it - treating his children well, of course.

Does he contact by email or text? Does he cancel in the same way? Keep copies of what he does and perhaps keep a diary. If you carry on joining them for lunch can you make a note of how many times he does the phone call thing? Have you got written evidence re the 'needing a few months for sorting his head out'?

If not, make sure a trail of evidence is the only way, then it won't be a case of he said, she said.

If he goes to court at a later date to re-establish consistent contact you'll have some ammunition to support the fact you've already tried.

He is clearly using contact with the children as a way of maintaining contact with and control of you. Cut off that supply, and do everything in writing. No phone calls, no doorstep discussions. Above all, stop being present during contact. It's confusing for the children, and is not quality time with him if he's leaving you to it whilst he's on his phone. Propose a certain amount of reasonable scheduled contact per week, and do not accept last-minute requests. Keep a note of all cancellations.

The side benefit is that you can show a court (if it comes to that) that you've offered reasonable contact. And he'll look pretty stupid if 20 years from now he tells the DC that you're the evil contact-blocking reason he was so shit. This realisation might make him step up. I doubt it, though: he doesn't sound like he's in the habit of putting his DC first.