Relationship gone down hill since having child, help!

[ebbieg]

Ok, so I realise this is a common one, but anything that you found yourselves helped or any books you have may read which were good would be appreciated!

Basically, since having our child 20 months ago, our relationship has gradually deteriorated. We don't argue much, but I've found the weekends when he is around are harder, like I have another person making a mess or who doesn't understand the routine our child has and questions why nap/feed times have to be when they are, and seems annoyed by them. Is more pressure. We don't share a bedroom as he snores, and we don't see much if each other in the week, just an hour or so in the evenings.

I have tried all the usual- date nights aren't enjoyable and any attempt to discuss how I feel with him (no matter how gently) are met with defensiveness and resentment.

Has anyone found any techniques that have helped get their relationship back on track?

You could try the Gottmans book 'and baby makes 3', a bit obvious in places but some good tips. Really though the best would be relationship counselling if your DP is not prepared to discuss things just the 2 of you. You can change all you like but if he doesn't change too, it won't be satisfying to you... Good luck!

Thank you!

why do feed and nap times have to be regimented? Is this a case of he wants to enjoy weekends as a family whereas you insist on being in from 12-2 every day. By 20 months surely feed and nap times can fit around your lives?

I have been amazed by the healing powers of regular sex when we've had patches like this. It seems to make us more open to communicating with each other.

I'm sure that's not going to be a popular opinion and obviously only do it if you both feel like it. It might be worth trying to share a bed a couple of nights a week at the very least. Otherwise it gets very easy to feel like strangers in the same house.

So basically you tell him he's doing it all wrong and then you wonder why he resents you? .... Good luck

Feel like people are being a little hard on the OP.

It CAN be infuriating when dads get all 'to hell with the nap/why not have chocolate for breakfast/yes, do go out in sub zero temperatures without your coat...' at the weekend.

If the mother is at home looking after the children all week, it can feel quite belittling when their partner 'disrupts' their way of doing things. Much as the dad shouldn't be criticised or made to feel like a secondary parent, it's a very common situation.

OP - things get easier as kids get older. At 20 months your child is at a very demanding age and still may not be sleeping that well. If this is your first baby, it's a BIG adjustment for both of you.

Your partner should see if he can get anything to sort out his snoring - sharing a bed is a good thing, even if all you're doing is sleeping! Hold off from discussing your relationship if you're both exhausted. On 'date nights', maybe think about going to the cinema/theatre/seeing an exhibition - it's fun and less 'intense' if you are both feeling fragile.

Someone once said to me 'never make a big decision about your relationship in the first two years of your child's life.' OBVIOUSLY this doesn't apply if your partner is abusive...but a lot of relationships do 'suffer' for a while when children are small, and it usually gets better as the children grow, the parents get more rest and 'find themselves' again.

Perhaps more relaxed weekends would be a good start? As said above, 20 months is good for fun activities & routine doesn't need to be as regimented.
Try doing things you did as a couple before the pregnancy as well-you aren't just parents.