How do you get over the hurt?

[takingfive]

I'd really like to know how other people have got over the hurt of their long term relationship coming to an end. My ex-DP deeply hurt me after we had been together for 16 years and it took another 5 years for me to have the courage to leave him.

But the hurt that I felt has stayed with me and now causes me a lot of anxiety and stress. I avoid situations where I may get hurt and I've lost a huge amount of confidence and am crap at friendships and holding a job down and all things to do with normal life.

As much as I'm trying to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" I don't seem to be able to manage it.

How do you get over it?

taking how long have you been separated?

It's been just over 2 years. We've divorced and sold the house and I live with my 2 DCs.

oh my, that is some time. Surely now is time to move on, I know easier said than done. I have recently come out of a 20 year relationship, like you it took me several years to pluck courage to kick him out. I am keeping busy, building new friendships, studying and have recently joined some dating sites, really it is a great boost for my battered self esteem. There is no shame and can be really good fun. Life is too short honey, do you think you may be depressed?

Sorry - had to run off for lunch. I get small moments of feeling happy but never relax and just so scared of getting hurt again and now just seem to avoid contact with people.

Counselling maybe? Sorry got to pop out now for parent evening will be back later, sure some lovely MN will be along to offer some good advise.

My relationship has been over for well over a year and a half and Im still struggling too.
I feel this is too long for it still to be bothering me and am begining to worry there is something wrong with me, I am trying to do all the right things but Im still thinking about what happened every day

I do make sure I make the effort to see people though and I think it makes a big difference, do you have friends or colleagues you could make the effort to re-connect with.
I try to make sure I do at least one social activity a week, do you think you could try this?

It took me a long time to get over the end of my marriage, even though I knew we were not happy. I think it was something inside me that delayed my recovery. I am not sure how to describe it, but I have a negative thought pattern running through my head repeating to myself over and over how sad it was.

I got over it when I was ready to really move on, and I could have made myself ready much earlier if I had forced myself to go out, meet new people, make myself feel good about myself.

The final turning point where I was truly over it was when I was happy with "me". I joined the gym, lost the extra weight I had, got new clothes, starting wearing makeup again, started going out to new places, made an effort to do fun things....and literally within a few weeks I felt great and loved being single.

I think it is a state of mind but you need to grieve too.

That post sounded really shallow, but really, looking good and feeling really healthy does a lot for your confidence and by turn that helps you find the courage to "get out there".

Also, a lot of people will tell you their second serious relationship or marriage comes along when they were least expecting it and is often much better than their first.

I don't think 2 years is an excessively long time to be still grieving tbh. It was a long relationship, you were hurt and you've been through a lot of change and loss.

You can't force yourself to feel over it if you aren't. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break.

I read once that healthy grieving (for a relationship) is about a month for each year that you were together... I think men seem to jump back in quite quickly but maybe that's emotional detachment. But for women it does take time and I think because it's all linked to our self esteem. I would not have put myself out there until I felt 'me' again. I just kept doing things that got me out of the house. Joined a club for a sport that I enjoy, got a volunteer role to learn something new and infact those new friends ended up being there for me more than my regular close friends as they are all married and just didn't understand what I was going through.

It takes time, but do little things for yourself that make you smile, make you better, day by day. And keep sharing, cos that really helps. :)

I don't think there's any set time for grief. We're all different - some process grief faster than others, others don't process it at all and find distraction instead in a new relationship or the bottom of a bottle. I think all you can do is try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the things that people generally advise you to do to be well in life - eat well, take exercise, be around people. Sometimes it takes something like anti depressants or CBT to kick start it.

I don't think that two years is a particularly long time to grieve. If your husband had died (and divorce is a bereavement, often with other complicating factors) I don't think anyone would be telling you should have 'moved on' by now (and the people who say that never be so helpful as to tell you how do they?!).

I'm two years on and I still feel sad occasionally. I think it is inevitable. I still feel sad about family members that have died many many years ago. I don't think you can just forget that part of life. I feel sad because I wonder why it went wrong - he had an affair so I never had the chance to discuss our problems. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I've just split with my partner of 6 years, it's been 7 weeks now that I ended it. I'm still hurting. Even though I ended it I still have moments of madness when I think...have I done the right thing?

Previously my exH ended our 8 year marriage. This was in 2006. That break up and divorce knocked me for six and because he kept me dangling I was still struggling 2 years later.

I think many people - especially women over think/analyse things and need to process a relationship split much more slowly.Sometimes I just want to turn my brain off.

I had a relationship with my first love one way and another for 8 years. I think I was genuinely over it and having a normal life again 4 years later. He broke my heart and destroyed my self worth, self image and everything I held dear. I was a mess for a full year and then a shadow for a further 2. By the final year of the 4 I was almost normal but it was at the 4 year mark that I felt fully me again.

I was very surprised at how long it took.

Iv always been a very strong person in my life but losing this relationship has made me feel like I have lost faith in people and the world and that I have no future.

Compleatly bonkers really as he was someone most people would'nt go near with a barge pole.
This has really made me think there is something wrong with me