How to respond to this friend (long)

[nochipsthanks]

I was going to put this in AIBU to ask if I was BU to be disturbed or upset by this, but am not brave enough to post there!

Honestly, I do not mind if no-one responds, I am just a bit confused as to why my friend does this, and I am wondering if I am overthinking it.

I have just recently turned 40. I have been with DH for 9 years, we have one DS. I am perfectly happy at being 40, no hangups. I have a friend who just seems to repeatedly try and bring me down. On my 30th birthday, I had a few friends over for dinner. I was in a different stage of life then- had just been left by my EA, financially abusive and sometimes violent DP. I lost the job I really loved due to the company going bust. I had moved back in with my parents. I had been diagnosed with depression. Life was just not that great. I had dinner with friends and as I recall it, we had a nice time. I have photos of us from then partying and beaming, so it seemed like it was a normal party!

a year later, met DH and things moved really fast with us. We were just right together. By then I had a new job etc, the depression had lifted although I was still seeing a counsellor (still am actually) and life was just better.

The first time friend met DH (boyfriend as he was!) she banged on and on about how sad I had been at my 30th, how I thought I would never meet anyone again. She repeated over and over again how desperate I was to get married. (I do not recall ever being desperate to be married actually.) It was a bit awkward as she made it sound like I had lept into a relationship with DH to avoid 'not being married'. I felt uncomfortable, and DH afterwards said that she had been crass and insensitive but probably meant well.

But every time I have had some sort of life event happen- our wedding (got drunk and made an impromptu speech saying 'when nochips met DH she was so miserable and depressed and thought she would never get married, and look at her getting married now' ) and when DS was born 'you thought you would never have a child, I remember when you were so depressed' etc. She rang me today to congratulate me on being 40 and again kept saying 'I remember your 30th and you had no job, no partner, no child, you were so depressed' and on and on and on.

I just feel confused as to why she keeps bringing it up at times when I am supposed to be happy, and often in quite public places. I personally do not particularly like to recall those dark days, and feel like I have really grown in the past 10 years. Besides- is ANYONE who they were 10 years ago? I was suicidal in those days, and I was a different person. Why keep harking back to it? I don't hark back to 10 years ago - I just live my life as it is now.

I am honestly not sure if she is supporting me as a friend, or if it is something more passive aggressive than that. I do know that it makes me feel uncomfortable, and I think 'oh here we go again'. Her life is in a bit of flux right now- she is stuck in a pretty grim marriage and I know she wants to get out of it, so I wonder if it is a way of expressing her own dissatisfaction? I really do not know.

DH just says that she likes to make people feel bad, and it is nothing more than that. I am probably overthinking it, I know.

Truth is, we are no longer that close and I do not see her that often so probably it is a non-issue. But it has brought me down. I was feeling great about being 40. It just made me crash a bit.

If anyone got that far, thank you! What an essay!

Essentially she's feeling crappy about her life and sees you having a good life so wants to knock you down.

Speak to her about it, say you're upset about it and she's coming across as nasty. Either she'll back down or she'll have a tantrum. You'll know whether you want to continue the friendship then.

How good are you at being direct as I feel you need to tell her to stop it. It doesn't need to be confrontational. Just ask why do you keep saying that, and I wonder if you could stop now as I don't need to be reminded of being depressed over 10 years ago.

After DS was born I did say something along those lines Babs and she said 'Oh I am just reminding you of how far you have come!'. But it makes me feel like crap. It is like a broken record. I feel like she is really saying 'Oh you are happy now, won't last. '

I am not great at being direct as I don't want to hurt feelings. I may have to work on that!

Actually, I have just realised this is an particularly ironic problem- one of my 40th promises to myself was that I was going to be stronger, more assertive and empowered with a side serving of losing toxic people from my life (specifically thinking about an aunt).

This could be another place to begin. Being direct and assessing her response.

Does she feel like ou have 'left her behind', by moving on with your life? It sounds like she is jealous. Or perhaps she thinks ou are smug and wants to bring you down a peg or two? Either way she sounds like a mood hoover, not a friend.

To be honest I think dorothy has summed your friend up perfectly as a mood hoover (my new favourite term!). I don't think I would give her the opportunity to do this again, I would (quietly and not dramatically) reduce contact and let the friendship go. It sounds like she's got a chip on her shoulder about you sorting your life out and finding happiness when she hasn't managed to.

That could be it Dorothy. I recall once, soon after I had DS we went out on a girls night, and she got very drunk and was wondering why when she had been 'a good girl' and 'done everything right' her life was so shitty. So it may be envy, or just wistfulness.

I am going to consider it. I might be direct and see what happens. If it is that she feels bad about herself, then I can work with that, and try and be a good friend and support her. If she just wants me to feel crap too, then I may have to reconsider.

Mood hoover is a great phrase!

No real advice but you have reminded me of how my in laws used to be. When we were newly married the first few years were very tough financially though we had a nice, if in need of doing up, home, two beautiful dc and a good quality life. Just no spare cash for new clothes, foreign holidays etc. I worked shifts around DH's job so not much family time. We were all well and happy.

When things got a bit, then a lot better, they were like scratched fucking records with their patronising reminiscing (usually in front of others) about how hard it had been and yada yada. It really pissed me off and I did finally snap and told them loud and clear to cut it out.

If you have told her before and she is 'reminding you how far you've come', she's enjoying a little moment of superiority, and enjoys watching you squirm. Even if she doesn't know it (I'm being generous).

I so get how she's making you feel and you either celebrate your 40th by telling her you never wish to hear this stuff again! or stop taking her calls.

And huge congratulations, your 40s are awesome!

Practise a Paddington hard stare and next time she comes out with that if you are face to face, (or if you are on the phone just say to her)
"Do you know, of everyone I know, you're the only person who ever harps on about that?"

It's particularly grating if she comes out with this in public.

I have a friend very much like this... it may be partly to do with envy of your life but I think some people just can't help themselves.

My friend needs to assert her alpha status all the time -- cannot congratulate anyone without referring back to a victory of hers, has to put people down and praise, when it comes, is loaded with patronising comments.

I remember her sending me a birthday card once telling me I'd "blossomed", which is the sort of thing a Victorian uncle would say about a 15 year old girl, not one contemporary to another.

I actually think the best strategy with people like this is to smile sweetly and totally ignore. No-one else will think any worse of you if she says things like this, they will just think she's bitter and arrogant. If you do confront her she's likely to interpret it as jealousy on your part.

Ignore....

Maybe she loves the self help psychology stuff in mags etc and thinks she is cheerleading

Do what donkey says - say enough - that's v kind of you to mention but it's old news now

Yes it's really very odd. Excellent exercise for you to practise standing up for yourself!

I've just recalled another occasion where I replied 'yes, but that was a long tie ago now, I don't think about it' and the response was something along the lines of 'You are doing so well!'.

Yes, I like the idea of 'you are the only person I know who harps on' also.

I've been through something so similar with a friend this Christmas, it was really cathartic to read your experience.

I, like you, suffered with severe depression just before I turned 30, and was quite depressed on my 30th birthday.

This friend of mine, who lives in the US, and I don't see that regularly came for this last Xmas to visit me and my family here in the UK. I live with my 2dc and my DH.

Every time she could mention "my illness" to my husband, she did. She even talked about it in front of my children and my eldest was asking me about it.

All the time, she was telling me how happy she was for me, but at the same time making me remember how broken I was, how depressed I was, and how she thought it was a miracle that I achieved what I have right now.

It infurated me big time. I think it's a power trick that highly narcissistic women play to control your emotions, and feel better about themselves.

This woman has been single her whole life, not even in a long term relationship. I likes to think of herself as someone who is there to help people, and compliments everyone on everything. But the other side of the coin is that she can be cruel and insulting too. I think the little game gives her a power kick, which is what she's really after and was all her life.

Anyway, sorry about my rant. My way of dealing with this person now is to disangage. I'm not very good at the quick replies, or the snubs, and cannot engage in verbal wars with people. I find that emotionally too taxing. Therefore, she's been written off my life. I'll be polite and respond e-mails but no emotional energy is put into this kind of person ever again.

Since I turned 40, I only allow people who really care and show respect into my life. Frenemies are out without a second thought.

The phrase I use is 'sucks the life out of life'.

I am much more forthright and would just put the phone down/walk away if she ever said it again and I'd be happy to tell her to shut the fuck up about ancient history. And to get over herself. And say 'some of us have moved on love, get over it'.

It depends on how much you actually like her. If she stopped doing this but was a good friend in other respects then work on it but generally people that behave like this are not OK in other ways but that is just my experience. If she is, as Dorothy says, a mood hoover, and little else, I would disengage in a passive no drama way and let the friendship fade. Certainly as you get older you want less trashy 'friendships' and go for quality more. It sounds to me like she is the sort that can only feel better about herself by putting others down. The fact that she has persistently done this makes it look like a pretty deep seated character flaw. At least your DH can read her like a book by the sounds of it!

She sounds awful, there are lots of skeletons and bad times in most people's closets, but it's very rude and emotionally stunted to go on and on about them, especially if in public.

Don't let her ruin your mood about your 40's- it's a fun time and who cares how you got there!

I think Dinnae's advice is good- if she's basically a good friend but with this one habit, tackle it, if she's increasingly someone who makes you feel bad about yourself, just avoid her.

It does sound like she's quite unhappy herself and using this as a tool to boost herself up but that's not your role and she needs to stop.