Am I wrong to want him to ask me first?

[LittleMissGerardButlersMinion]

My husband has always just done things, with asking/discussing it with me.

I have told him before I wouldn't stop him from doing things, but it would be nice if he told me about things/discussed it to see how I feel, out of respect for me.

I wouldn't say no, but if I had any concerns I could at least ask about them.

A few examples are, he went to Australia on a scheme for 6 weeks, he didnt ask me if I mind him using up a lot of his leave etc, I would have said he could go, but 6 weeks is a long time!

He has joined a men's only club (don't want to say which one) and has been a member for years, again he never asks about weekends away, nights out etc, especially expensive things. He doesn't worry about childcare (I work part time) and thinks ahh we will sort it out (I have no objection to looking after our children by the way, but childcare on a weekend isn't that easy).

He has recently joined another club which means he is out one night a week, as well as the other club, which involves another joining fee (over £100) then is saying we can't go far on a Saturday as he is skint

He also got annoyed with me when I told my friend he had joined this club as he wanted to keep it secret to see if he enjoys it.

If I want to go out, out of courtesy I say oh I'm thinking of going out on x night, are you free to be at home, out of courtesy and respect.

Am I wrong to want to be asked? I have mentioned to him, but he claims he does ask, even though I say telling me is different to asking me.

I'm unhappy about other things but won't bore you with the details :o

I'm just trying to get things straight in my head at the moment, and work out if I'm wrong for feeling things.

No you certainly are not wrong, he has a right jolly time doesn't he, shame he can't include you in any of his escapades, I'd be feeling pretty ignored and unimportant tbh.

Healthy as it is as a couple to keep some time to oneself and have separate hobbies or interests, he does seem to take this to extremes. Presumably when you were dating he would ask you along or be pleased to go to things together?

Not at all wrong. Think it is quite common for a man to just think he can earn the money and play when he wants without a thought about home life and childcare. We have had this issue for a long time and it is only changing because I keep bringing it up. Quite a selfish thing for him to be doing as it shows he doesn't think of you and children before he does something. You need to address it with him. We now have a diary and if it isn't in the diary then it doesn't happen ( unless I am feeling generous!). That way childcare etc has to be planned ahead (and it is still usually me) and there is also a record of how often OH is out doing stuff compared to me!

YANBU at all. I had this discussion with DP when we moved in together. I said I wouldn't say "no" to him doing anything but as it effects me as well, it would be nice to be told beforehand, not 10 minutes before!

It's the assumption that you'll automatically be free so he doesn't have to check with regards to childcare. It's quite rude, really, because it's saying "You don't have a life/hobby, so I know you'll be there 24/7 to look after DC and I can bugger off and do what I want".

Like Potted said, it's not about asking permission, it's about having respect for your partner and their plans too!

It's common courtesy, not a case of asking for permission.

I had a period of feeling taken for granted. If course, I told my husband so but more than that, I followed up on this by being scrupulously fair.

So if he went out I'd be genuinely pleased but follow up by saying on X day I'd be going out, and I'd set aside the same amount if money for that.

He soon realised that although it was never his intention to take me for granted or time and money to be unfair, that's what was happening and I actually had a point. As I say though, it wasn't something he did on purpose, not because of distracting me or anything sinister. It was just that things started to slide and that became normal.

By arranging time out to match his even if I just went and parked at the beach to eat chips and browse my forums it soon highlighted any disparities.

I can well imagine what those other things might be that you're unhappy about. You'd hardly need a crystal ball for that.

This bloke sounds like a sexist throwback to a different era.

He seems to think that despite being a husband and father, all his time and money is his own and that whatever he does, you will be there looking after his children and doing everything that needs doing to keep a family together.

I'd be interested to know what he gives to your personal relationship, or how much support he gives you to realise your ambitions and pursue your own interests.

I expect you'll say you don't have time for hobbies and he never has time to listen to you, or ask you questions about your own dreams.

You're his wife and in an ideal world you'd be his partner in almost all his activities.

He should share a lot more of his time (and money) with you.