How do I know what I want?

[MrTumblesTeddy]

I have been with my husband almost 10 years, we met when I was a teen and I'm really not able to see us together for the long term.

I met him just a few weeks after a traumatic few months, he too was going through a lot too.

He said he loved me very early on and I moved in with him (naivety and a need to escape for a while). I didn't expect it to last.

I fell pregnant with DS1 accidentally, I was utterly devastated and had a horrific pregnancy, complete with AND and PND. DS1 is a delight and I'm glad I have him and DS2 (who was planned- although H has horribly insinuated otherwise).

I've had to move with H's job, staying as a SAHM as there's nothing I am qualified to do (mainly care work) and I couldn't afford childcare on the wages.

I feel I've sacrificed everything, where I live, what I do, who I live with. I mean H is a nice guy, he'd do anything for us, but I don't love him. I don't know if I have for a long time. I'll do anything to avoid intimacy and sex.

I don't know what to do, I've spent most of my adult life doing what I've been told, I can't think for myself, I can't do anything.

Thnk you if you've read this and apologies for the random nature of my writing, I am trying to let it flow.

My love. You can think and You can do everything you want!

Let me tell you this. Life is to short. What you need to do is take steps to improve your self esteem so you can get some life back something for you.

Have you considered going to counciling? You mentioned traumatic experiances perhaps they can be adressed to help you feel abit freerer.

They also offer confidence classes and self esteem classes if you find out from your gp they should be able to help you.

Do you feel you are on the right dose of antidepresents if your on them?
Have you spoke to your gp about how you are feeling?

If you dont love him you dont have to stay with him. I would never tell anyone to leave there partner but perhaps keep trying to put yourself in a better position so atleast you have the option, there are many courses such as with the open university that you can get your course almost free if you make less than a certian amount. you also get free child care if you are doing more than 30 credits. Please look into open university. You can do anything you want to do. just take this a little step at a time.

You mentioned you have spent most of your life doing what you have been told. May I ask why? Do you do everything your partner tells you to do?

How far away is family?

Do you have friends around?

Its fantastic hes a nice guy, but dont feel guilty sometimes we fall out of love. and it doesnt mean you have to stay in a relationship your not happy in, build your confidence and build your self back into someone you want to be, xx

Thank you dreaming for replying. I have been to counselling once before, I have the number for the local ones here and I need to call them, have been putting it off for a while.

I haven't had ADs for a while now, I didn't want to admit defeat again, silly really.

You are right about putting myself in a better position for the future, I did do an OU course a few years ago, but I can't afford them since the new rules came in, I may ring them and see if there's anything they can help with. I stopped as I only scraped a pass, I felt that I wasn't good enough.

I've done what I'm told in regards to what H wants, his job etc. I do stick up for myself (someone has to!).

Family are hundreds of miles away and I haven't made any friends here. It's literally me, H and the DC.

I don't know what I want to be, all I know is that I don't want to be me any more.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

If you genuinely don't love your husband, it would probably be better for both of you to separate. However, I really think that you should work on conquering your depression before you make that decision, as your judgement about him may be clouded by general dissatisfaction with your life.

What is your husband like? Does he listen to you and make you feel respected? Does he encourage you to do things that you enjoy and find interesting? Is he supportive as you go through this? Does he pull his weight at home? Or does he see your role as facilitating him and feel that you are lucky that he supports you financially?

"I don't want to be me any more" is such a sad phrase. I think this is what you need to concentrate on. At the moment, there is very little of you - you are defining yourself in roles according to other people: wife /mother. Time to put yourself first for a bit and re-establish your sense of identity. It's not selfish; it's a fundamental requirement for a happy, well-balanced life.

I think paid work outside of the home is something you might benefit from enormously, but obviously childcare costs and logistical difficulties come with that and right now you might not feel ready for that. So how about starting with some hobbies and interests? What did you enjoy before? If you can't remember as this lifestyle started at such a young age, what do you think you'd like to try? Choose a couple of things and try them on for size. It may take a few before you find something that really fits you, but you will eventually. If at all possible, try to find something that involves regular get togethers with other people with the same hobby/interest, as this is a wonderfully easy way to integrate with an already established group of people and can often lead to more personal friendships. Do not let lack of money be a reason for you not doing this (unless it really does mean you can't afford to eat) as this is as much a vital expense to maintain your mental health as paying the gas bill is to heat your home. If your husband loves you, he will make this a priority for you.

I'd also recommend some regular exercise - just a daily walk to start off with if this is completely out of sync with your current lifestyle. A healthy body does a lot to help maintain a healthy mind and more intense exercise results in lots of endorphins which can really help you feel good.

This is my own personal opinion, but I think that desire and arousal stem from within. If you are unhappy even someone with film-star charisma can leave you feeling like you are going through the motions because it just doesn't feel authentic - you feel so low about yourself you wonder why on earth someone else would want you and start to question if you're just being used for sex. It becomes a chore. If you feel good about yourself you see what others see in you and it makes you feel desirable - the first step to feeling desire yourself. Indulging your sense of individuality - often through frivolous methods - can inject a little fun into that mix, which makes a sex life much more arousing. You may find that once you're no longer depressed, your attraction to your H comes back.

Do you think your H loves you and desires you? Have you spoken to him about how you feel about having your own identity lost underneath the role of wife and mother?

Good luck and hope things improve.

Your very welcome.

Please dont put it off., it makes it even harder the longer you take, I am here if you need anyone to chat to you can pm me. Taking that step is so important hun.

Hun, its not defeat. If you feel you need it then you need it its not admited defeat it actualy makes you be stronger admitting you need alittle help to balance you out. Im on anti depressents for ppd and its made such a difference. maybe thats why you dont believe in yourself because something in your brain is causing it, i would consider going to the gp and telling them how you feel, you need to feel happy and feeling lost and like you cant do things for yourself wont help you think logicly it also will make it hard for you to see goals for the future.

Hunni you are good enough!! who cares if the pass was scrapped! these causes arnt easy! you passed and that is amazing , you are good enough, more than good enough. also go on the website and see who you can ring because i did a cause less than a year ago which cost me 25quid instead of 600and something accsess to success its called sorry about spelling. but make sure you do look into it if thats what you want dont procrastinate.

"i dont want to be me anymore" okay lets work through it, what is it about you dont you want?

Making friends: check the mumsnet meet up boards or netmums meet ups etc. get yourself out there meeting new people and developing a sence of self! go to mums group to socialize and make new friends, live your own life!!

You are a wonderful person. and you will see it one day..

How are you feeling today x

Thank you both, I appreciate the time you've spent replying.

My H is full of good intentions, I think that sums it up- for example, DS2 broke my laptop, H said he'd call a colleague who fixes laptops in his spare time. 4 months on and he hasn't asked yet. He says he respects me, but I have to raise my voice to get him to do anything. It's sole destroying sometimes.

He tells me to go and do what I want, most classes are in the evening (would love to do an exercise class) and I couldn't go each week as he works shifts. Beyond this, I wouldn't know what I wanted to do, it sounds a cop out, but I have absolutely no leaning towards anything. I think it's all unknown and too bloody scary.

I am nodding away with the part about sex being a chore Dahlen it made a lot of sense about everything. I do think he wants sex with me because I'm there, I don't think it'd matter who I was IYSWIM?

I will have a further look into the OU once the DC are in bed, see if anything takes my interest.

I don't want to be me, but I don't know who or what I want to be, apart from having a good job and social life with people I enjoy being with.

I go to toddler groups and talk to a few people, but it's hard finding people you really click with and I'm scared that when they gwt to know me, they won't like me

hun give them a chance and let them in, what havr you got to loose? they will love u invite them round for a play date or to park or a play centre xx