What's up with me?!

[tessie31082]

Hi all,
My DS is 10 months old tomorrow, great pregnancy, fantastic birth! Had trouble in first 6 weeks (tired/depressed). In the 9 months I was pregnant me and partner had sex probably only 5 times (I felt like it every night up until 8 months!) I realise some men find it hard/think about hurting the baby! Anyway, roll on 10 months after birth and I am totally not bothered whether I have sex again! We have had sex maybe 3 times!!
I don't find my OH sexy/attractive anymore, I often think about my ex (even though he's moved on and is very happy- haven't spoken to him for 13 years), I'm pretty tired most evenings so don't feel like it, having trouble with my weight (only a size 14 but belly is a wobbly blob) and OH says he doesn't care what I look like! I'm not on any contraception (am having coil in a couple of weeks) and I'm hoping this helps? Is it my hormones, or because I resent my OH (very rarely helps a round the house), never gets up to DS in the night or early mornings (very rare for him to wake before 7am so it's not all the time), sighs/moans if DS is whingy/wakes for his dummy/snuggle before we go to bed and finds it a chore to feed him at weekends! I might as well be a single parent as I mainly do everything anyway! He says I should do it as he works all day (gets up at 6.15, leaves at 6.55 (works 2 mins from home) and picks DS up from childminder before picking me up at 5.30) even though I work 3 afternoons and almost one full day as well as keeping DS occupied, out to groups/library etc! Neither of us work weekends but I'm still the one to get up so he can have a lie in! We hardly ever go out as a family (he goes out to darts/pub one night a week) as we're always seeing parents/grandparents at the weekend!
I sometimes feel like saying it's over and I want him to leave!
I had some small feelings like this before we had our DS but I thought it was because I was bored but now I'm not sure- aarrgggghhhh!!
Can anyone relate or tell me that it gets better once my hormones are settled or should they be settled now and it's just me?
Sorry for such a long post :-)
Tessie

While it is quite normal to not feel like sex for a long time after having a baby because of hormonal changes (took me at least a year), I'd say that resentment is playing a large part in your lack of desire.

In fact, I'd say that lack of sex is the least of your worries right now, and that your thread title ought to say 'What's wrong with him?'

Does he know how you feel about his lack of engagement in family life?

Hi flatsindagenham, I have expressed my feelings more than once normally in emotionally charged outbursts (that have built up)! It seems to kick him into gear for a couple of days then it just goes back to 'normal'! I'm hopeful the lack of sex maybe hormonal but as you say maybe the resentment is making it all much worse?!

You don't mention if you're still breastfeeding? That can have a depressing effect on your libido.

Apart from that, yes, I'd say it's clearly him. Small things that aggravate you before DCs can become magnified after DCs - because now someone else is taking up your attention and you don't have the time and headspace to gloss over the daily doses of petty crap. That you noticed these things before having kids is very significant.

Sounds like you are mentally on your way out of this relationship, you might as well go fully. Thinking about your ex is classic displacement activity - not that you want to BE with your ex, it's just that it's your memory of a relationship that isn't this one and represents what else is out there (but you're thinking about it because that's all you know, if that makes sense).

If you've talked and talked til you're blue in the face and not seeing any permanent change, then yes, by all means LTB. You'll have one less child to look after.

Nothing more sexy than a man who does his fair share of childcare and housework. Who'd want to shag this lazy git ?

Tell him sharing the domestic stuff is an aphrodisiac.

I would want to split from him two, he's a selfish, self centred, entitled twunt and you really need to give it to him straight.

Get a rota drawn up where he can see what his jobs are, he's having all the fun whilst you do all the work. I would resent him so much, esp the bit about not even wanting to take care of his child, what a loser.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who treats you like a servant and treats his child like an annoyance? Your hormones might change but I doubt he will.

I'm not in the least bit surprised you don't find your H attractive any more! My STBXH was like this and I should have kicked him out so much sooner. Resentment is a total passion killer and ultimately a relationship killer too.

Flatfacedarmy, not breast feeding as didn't produce enough to feed my wonderful little man :-(
what you all say sounds so right! I love him in some sort of way just not that way anymore, sometimes I just want to tell him to bugger off and at times I hate him! I'm not sure how I'd cope without him at the moment though (financially)! My mum stayed with my dad until my brother was 18 (I'd already left home) because she didn't want to upset us emotionally while we were at school/college although she knew for years she would leave him eventually and although I don't think I can do/should do it for 18 years I'm just not financially able to for at least 1-2 years (if I save my money hard)!

OP I had the same issue and it literally killed my marriage.
My DH just continued his own life after DCs were born making no real changes whatsoever. He watched what he wantede on the TV, never asking me what I or the DCs wanted to watch. Eventually I bought another TV for "the rest of us".
He never wanted to do anything with the DCs especially at the weekends.
He huffed and puffed when getting up for night feeds and never ever put any of them to bed or read a bet time story.
The resentment built and built until I was having to clench my teeth to stop myself from shoving a pillow over head!
Needless to say, the sex stopped as I couldn't face having sex with someone who so obviously had no respect for me at all.
The straw that broke the camels back occurred when he actually stepped over one of DDs dirt nappies that I had removed before her bath. He stepped over it and continued downstairs. When I asked him why he hadn't picked it up and taken it to the bin downstairs, he said it wasn't his job!
Get out now before you end up so full of resentment you will start to hate all men, not just the crap ones.

I'm not surprised you don't fancy your husband. Resentment is a passion killer and killed my marriage because my lazy STBXH never did one night feed for two babies.

My STBXH was the same. I had a second child with him and stuck with him till she was almost two. In retrospect I should have walked when DS was a baby, but then again I wouldn't have my beautiful DD if I had. If you feel like you would be better off alone then you probably would be. I found it wasn't the pressure of looking after my DC without help that was the problem, it was the resentment that I was doing it while someone perfectly capable of helping, and with a responsibility to help, sat by watching me do it all. Of course you don't want to shag him, very few women want to shag a man who views her children as an annoyance, especially when they are his children.

Actually, the first time my stbxh had our daughter overnight after we split, he called me to ask how to change her nappy, because she had pooed and it was on her vulva. He didn't know how to clean her as he had never done it before. She was 2.

Strawberry explains it so well.
There is nothing more desire killing than finding yourself trying to get the DCs to bed whilst packing up sandwiches for the next day and sorting out school uniforms, or even changing bed sheets whilst your DD throws up all over it, whilst your DH just sits watching the TV and facebooking on his phone. NOTHING will kill your passion faster!

Thanks everyone, got a bit of thinking to do!