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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why dont I want to have sex anymore :(

46 replies

Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 22:16

....Or rather I do, but I cant physically let myself...I become defensive and completely put the shutters down.
Brief History:

Been with Dp 6 years, 1 ds aged 2.

After being with dp a few months, sex life great until I started taking pill. Developed vaginismus as just wasnt "feeling it" down there and it became painful. Thats where Id say the problems started.
After that sex became a sort of...chore. I worried about it and thus put myself off, felt a failure, dp felt rejected etc etc..
We sort of trundled along managing sex now and again but it was never something I felt relaxed about.
Somehow fell pregnant, didnt have sex much throughout that 9 months, didnt feel like it.
Traumatic birth, stitches, complete undiluted fear and dread of sex. It took 9 months to feel brave enough to try.
I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety when ds was 1.5. Spent 1 year on anti-deps. The crumb of sex drive that remained, vanished.
Recently came off anti-deps as felt ready, and now want to be a "normal" person and enjoy sex again. But I have forgotten what to do, how to feel :(
Last time we tried I felt so ill at ease and uncomfortable I cried afterwards. I was just so tense and couldnt relax, instead of being into it I was on High Alert incase it hurt.

Dp is a Saint. He watches some porn now and again for some "relief" and I feel so shit about that. Frightened he might want to look elsewhere eventually :(

I started taking Omega 3 and Vitamin E as I read they can aid with sexdrive and I have felt great, depression and general anxiety gone.

Has anyone else felt like this, if so what did you do?

OP posts:
phoolani · 22/01/2014 22:26

First thing that strikes me is that...there's been a lot going on that will affect sex drive. Give yourself a break - from sex and from worrying about it!something is clearly wrong but it could be one main things, or a mixture of several of the things you've mentioned. If DP's a saint, explain what you're feeling and explain that you need to take a break, retreat for a bit and figure it all out. Chances are, in your heart of hearts, you know what the primary problem is and don't really want to think about it.

SirRaymondClench · 22/01/2014 22:32

Are you still close in other ways? Kissing, cuddling etc

Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 22:35

Thanks phoolani. The thing is, Im always having a break from it, the last time was weeks ago. I tell dp all the mixed up feelings and thoughts I have and although not a big talker, he tries to understand. He is at a loss as to what to say or do, he feels like a failure in a way aswell.
I had trust issues for a long, long time due to a relationship with a man old enough to be my father when I was too young, too naive. I believe that shaped my entire outlook but surely after so many years I should be over that..
Perhaps you are right, something could be extremely deepseated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 22:37

SirRaymond the intimacy isnt there really, no. The love is, and we are the best of friends, but proper intimacy hasnt happened for a long time. I avoid it because I dont want him to think it is going to lead to sex.

OP posts:
Blondieminx · 22/01/2014 22:39

Have you had a chat to your GP about it? FWIW I have scarring due to tearing when I had DD, and was prescribed Ovestin cream which helped a lot.

Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 22:42

Yes Blondieminx, Im all healed and everythings in order, it is very much a mental thing. I make myself tense. Gp suggested a glass of wine :/ wine does nothing. Believe me Ive tried!

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 22:44

....I think Im hoping someone who had the same issues can tell me not to worry and how they overcame them, Im asking too much really arent I.

OP posts:
Blondieminx · 22/01/2014 22:50

I was healed too but it was still uncomfy which made me tense and put me off. That cream really helped so in case you hadn't tried it, I thought I'd mention it as an option?

It sounds like you're frightened to have any intimacy with your partner so you're swerving it all. Can you chat to him about it and say you're worried about that side of your relationship, you'd like to take some steps to get the physical spark back but that you're worried he'll feel frustrated/let down if you need to stop?

Hopefully someone with more experience will be along soon to help...

MadBusLady · 22/01/2014 22:51

I appreciate there's a whole bundle of issues here, I only have one small suggestion - have you gone back on the pill? You know that's where it started physically and it's also famous for wrecking libido. So I'd come off that as a first step.

I know drs will try and switch you onto other brands or hormonal methods to see if you "get on with them better" but the truth is hormonal change is such a difficult thing to assess and you may think something is just the way you are when it really is down to what you're taking.

DistanceCall · 22/01/2014 22:55

I think you need to talk honestly to your partner. So many traumatic things have happened that it's no wonder you're afraid of sex. But intimacy is essential: you need to feel completely comfortable, relaxed, and happy to be with your partner.

So tell him what you have told us: that you love him, that you would like to have a sex life with him again, and that you need to be physically comfortable and affectionate with him. And that you're afraid to display physical affection for him because you think it will lead to sex.

Perhaps a good place to start might be him caressing you with his hand and/or mouth, without penetration. Also - and this is just a suggestion - if you worry about "leading him on" by cuddling and so on, you might want to bear in mind that you can always, erm, lend him a hand. Or your mouth. Not all sex is penetrative.

Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 23:02

Thanks Blondieminx I will enquire about that, it will probably help my peace of mind wont it. I make a point of talking to him about it all once every few months or so, thats how bad it is Blush he always makes me feel loved and is always very honest.
You know what MadBusLady Id love to come off the pill, that would be my last chance saloon at getting back to "normal" - but Id be terrified of a condom breaking and getting pregnant again - ds wasnt planned you see. A shock, but he is the sunshine of our lives and we are so lucky to have him. However if I fell pregnant now it really would be a disaster - we just about make ends meet as it is.
I believe this must be yet another underlying issue...sigh

OP posts:
phoolani · 22/01/2014 23:02

Sorry, can't say i've had the same problem - sex is about the only area DP and i haven't had problems! But I think it's almost certain that sex isn't your problem, either. And by all means tell me to bugger off with my theories, but I suspect you know that and that it's more about the trust issues and the issues with 'intimacy' which can arise as a result. I may be wrong, but doesn't vaginismus arise mainly as a psychological defence mechanism? And yes, 'worry' about it in the sense that you should address the underlying problems, but take actual sex out of the equation to concentrate properly on the underlying stuff. You don't get over anything unless you deal with it properly - however long it's been since those issues arose. Don't whatever you do have sex out of obligation or fear of losing DP - it'll only make things worse. Tell DP there's a moratorium on sex until you have a chance to figure out what's wrong (up to you whether you tell him porn is acceptable in the meantime). If he's truly supportive, he'll understand and back you up. You could try counselling, but, as someone who had massive trust issues, I found it didn't help - I couldn't trust the counsellor! Be honest with yourself first and admit to yourself what the real problem is. Good luck - it can be hard!

Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 23:05

Thankyou DistanceCall. I need to let my guard down and go for it, dont i. Well, maybe not go for the whole thing but parts of it - like you say.

OP posts:
Blondieminx · 22/01/2014 23:11

if you are sure that he definitely doesn't want anymore kids, is it worth having a chat about vasectomy before resuming penatrative sex?

The responsibility for contraception should be partly his responsibility too...

Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 23:15

Thankyou phoolani I think youre right, I think Ive actually become a psychological mess over the years about it, its a little daunting to know where to start :/
I too have had trust issues, Im thinking now that I may have "tightened up" as a defence mechanism against (quite literally) letting him in, emotionally...?
Thats something I definately need to address actually. You have really made me think there.

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 22/01/2014 23:19

Just to mention, there are other non-hormonal contraceptives except condoms. I have an iud and it's fine

Scarletohello · 22/01/2014 23:20

I don't know if you would want to do this but Relate do have trained sex therapists. Is this something you/ and your partner would consider?

Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 23:20

Well Blondieminx we would definately both like another child in the future, but definately not in the next couple of years, it would break us financially and probably emotionally :(
Dp thinks condoms would be fine but Ive never felt they were enough, "the condom broke" is an oft heard phrase isnt it? (Or is that just me being too fearful..)

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 23:24

JaceyBee - Apologies for sounding like a broken record but Im actually too frightened to have the coil put in. I almost did when ds was a baby then chickened out at the thought of the pain. I havent even been for my smear test yet for the same reason.

Scarletohello - My partner wouldnt like to go to counselling, he strongly feels that if he can help me to relax for long enough I'll be ok. I was offered counselling once but I dont think Id be able to discuss all this face to face with a stranger :/

OP posts:
phoolani · 22/01/2014 23:28

It is massively daunting - but honestly, you know WHERE to start, you just don't want to go there! We all do it - over thinking things as a mechanism to avoid dealing with what we know is the real problem. But be honest with yourself and take heart that wherever the real problem takes you, it's a better place to be than where you are. You can absolutely deal with this and get to a place where you can (very) happily have sex with someone you love; it might be a bumpy journey to get there, but you CAN get there.

Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 23:29

....Ive been trying to remember the feelings I have when trying to start dtd, and at one point I even feel a bit silly and self conscious! This is a large can of worms.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelafailure · 22/01/2014 23:31

Thankyou again phoolani. It sounds like youve really conquered your own issues, thats so encouraging to hear. Thanks

OP posts:
BrandNewIggi · 22/01/2014 23:31

Never ever had a condom breaking. If t did, I hope it would be obvious and I could get MAP. I do have faith in them as have never had a scare when using them and yet have had a lot of pgs when not using them, iyswim.
We've hardly had sex since dc2, I would like to reignite things but seems like too much work.

Casmama · 22/01/2014 23:33

I agree with the suggestion to take penetration off the cards for a while.
You could go further and ban contact with breasts and genitals but focus on massage of non-sexual areas- maybe putting time aside 2-3 times a week to be intimate but not sexual with each other then gradually build up to sex over a period of weeks.

Talk to your local family planning about contraceptives too - it amazed me how much my libido increased when I came off the pill.

phoolani · 22/01/2014 23:41

Seriously? I am the queen of overcome issues! A tip: you don't have to bare your deepest, darkest secrets to anyone; just make sure you bare them to yourself. You can sugar coat everything for other people, so don't concern yourself about exposing everything before you can handle it. Think about yourself for now.