Advice needed - don't want to break my little girls heart

[Notnastypasty]

My H walked out last week - he had an affair last year but I tried to make a go of it. All was going well or so it seemed and then he told me that he wasn't happy and couldn't do this anymore.

I am devastated but I'd also had enough of his bullshit, I really am worried about our dd though. We both spend alot of time with her and I don't know how to tell her. To top it off she is very excited about us all going on a family holiday next week and we have to tell her that this is off too.

At the moment we have said daddy is working long hours so she can adjust to him not being around so much but need to tell her soon. I feel sick at the thought of it and can't eat or sleep.

I hate him for ripping our family apart but don't want dd to suffer. He still wants to ring her every night and see her 3 times a week, I'm glad about this but think maybe we should limit the phone calls? Not sure what to do for the best.

My dad divorced twice-my mum and then step mum. My mum and dad were very civil- never said a bad word about each other to me. My dad helped round the house and babysat when my mum needed it as although they split custody I was mostly with her.

My stepmum and dad had quite an acrimonious break up. It really messed my half siblings up whereas I am fine about my parents relationship.

You sound like a great mum, for your daughters sake just try and be civil and say things like we don't love each other any more, but we love you. Play by ear the phone calls and visits, don't cut too much into your daughters normal childhood, but allow her to feel both if you are interested.

I am so gratefulto my mother- it must have been so hard for her, but really helped me.

How old is she? IMO, it is important to be honest (though age-appropriate and without any character assassination of her dad). Don't try to fool her or fob her off.

Why can't you still go on the holiday without ex?

I hope you're okay OP. I was in the same situation and I understand how hard it can be.

I am not sure how old your DD is. When my H left over 2 years ago DCs were 8 and 5. He actually left at the weekend so I had to deal with the DCs straight away as they had seen what had happened and watched their dad pack and leave

I explained that their dad had not left them and he was always their dad. I told them how much we both loved them and that would never change. I let them call him whenever they wanted although he hardly ever answered the phone. It was really hard because I wanted to tell them what an awful man he was and how he lied and cheated! They still don't know he did anything wrong now even though he's living with the OW.

They get sad every so often that he's not here but know they will always see their dad. There's lots of benefits too - they went on 2 holidays last year and Father Christmas left presents at both houses!

I would advise you to be honest - say her dad has moved out but how much you both love her and reassure her she will always see him. Try and put a positive spin on it (I know it is really hard) and say she will get to spend some special time with just Mummy and some special time with just Daddy and won't that be fun etc etc. I took the children out for the day soon after H left and we all had a lovely time. I just wanted to show the children (and me) that we could still have fun.

How old?
You just need to tell her the truth. But in an age appropriate way.
And assure her she is totally loved and not the reason/problem.

Thanks so much for all the replies. She is 5. The holiday was with all his family so I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. Even for my daughters sake I'm not in the right state of mind to holiday with his family.

I'm so gutted for her - really wanted her to have the settled upbringing that I didn't have.

Why can't it still be settled? Two happier parents....

Yes it can I suppose. But everyone (including me) thought we were really happy and our marriage had always been good. It's not like she sees us having arguments.

Plus we can't afford to stay here or rent anywhere without him paying mortgage and maintenance.

Cookiefiend - thanks for sharing your experience, I hope we can be friends and that when he meets somebody else he doesn't let them dictate or cause problems.

Supersaint - it's horrible isn't it how long did it take for you and your dc to feel okay again?

I don't know how to tell her

So sorry to read your OP. Awful situation for you.

But I'm struck by the way that you seem to feel you have to take all responsibility for your daughter's emotional well-being. It could be the way you've written the OP, but it worries me that you're taking all the guilt etc on yourself.

What about her father? He's the coward & the cheat who had an affair -- why is it not his responsibility to find a way to tell his daughter?

Ideally, you do it together. But can you give yourself permission not to feel you have to take on the guilt for your STBX's behaviour.

Hope you find strength and peace ...

Hi there

Just wondering whether your DD can still go away with her Dad seeing as it would be difficult for you to take her? It would give you some time to process everything that has happened and would may be a baptism of fire for your STBXH in being a NR parent but with the support of his family there.

My kids were 2, 5 and 8 when me and my XH split up and we sat them down and told them that we weren't happy living together anymore, that Daddy was going to move out somewhere close by and that they would see Daddy on such and such days and we both loved them very much. To be honest, my kids appear to have been fine (though he was not a very involved Dad so it was no great shakes when he left).

I do think the best thing to be is honest and try to save any disagreements/discussions for a time when they are no there.

Good luck!

We went down the route of we weren't making each other happy and felt it would be better to have two happy houses rather than 1 unhappy house.
Actions after the split have a big effect on children I have remained polite and never said a bad word to DD about ExH.
He and OW involved DD in their relationship from the offset and constantly bad mouthed me.
The result is a child who doesn't want to spend time with Daddy and is vet angry with him.

You won't break her heart, not if you explain it in a way she can understand and her dad ensures he keeps up regular contact. And yes, it's not all down to you to explain and worry about her wellbeing, it's her dad who's decided he wants out so it's really up to him to be a bit more proactive with breaking the news etc.

let her go on holiday with dad and all his family. she doesnt need to miss out ona holiday
jsut tell her [a simple version of] the truth - "daddy doesnt live here any more but he still loves you~"

My daughter was 4.9 when I told her. Not the truth - STBXH had been having sex with prostitutes for years.
Told her that we weren't each other's "one true love" (she was/is very into Disney!)
At no point have I spoken about it like it's a sad or heartbreaking thing. I waiting til my new house was bought so I could be excited about the second house with her. Didn't do any "but we both still love you" type stuff, as I didn't want to plant in her mind any idea that she might think that.
She was fine. Sometimes now, 6 months on, she says she wished we all lived together, as it would be easier.
She's not really upset, but yes - ideally it would be better. But it's not possible. She's far from broken hearted.
Try to tell her positively. Despite the fact I hated my ex, I told him to tell her with me, and acted pleasantly around him.
She will be fine, if you both keep your cool. Good luck!