I have let it happen again, what's wrong with me?

[MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw]

I don't know how to link to my past thread, don't know if anyone will remember me and my issues with my sister. She is an alcoholic and goes through phases of abusing people especially those close to her. She has lost her job and is only allowed to see her DCs in a contact centre, and has several alcohol related convictions. I have tried to support her but she has attacked me lots of times, usually when I face her up about the money she took from my mum's account when my mum was in hospital, mum now needs 24 hour nursing care and needs all her money to pay for it.

The last time my sister got angry was when I said she still needed to find a way to repay the money although she has lost her job, and that she needed to be realistic about what work she can find with convictions including lots of assaults. She made lots of phone calls and texts being nasty, this is what she does when angry, often up to fifty in a day. She said that I have bullied her, that I have no mind of my own and DH bullies me, that I caused her mental illness (she doesn't have a diagnosis beyond alcoholism) and will be responsible for her suicide. That was my last thread in here and as suggested I went NC and got some support from Al Anon.

Anyway today she called and I answered. I really don't know why. She said she was sorry for what she had said, but then went on to say it's easy to misinterpret texts, a comma in the wrong place can give the wrong impression!! WTAF?? I did say it was upsetting for me but she managed to gloss over it and move the conversation on AGAIN. We talked about an offer she has of rehab - good idea. She didn't ask much about me (not that I really want to divulge much) but talked for a long time about looking for work etc.

I am left feeling like I let her off with abusing me yet again. She never seems to think other people's feelings matter as much as hers and I don't think I help by letting her get away with this. I tried calling back later to say some of this but she didn't answer. Would this help? And who am I trying to help, would it just be for my own self esteem? Am I a total door mat? I care about my sister and want to see her recover but am sick of being a serial punch bag.

Please give me your advice, don't hold back if you think I was an idiot today, I won't disagree. Can anyone suggest how I break this cycle? Thank you for listening again.

Could you put it in a letter perhaps? then she can't scream at you.

She is your sister and you're never going to be able to walk away..

Sympathies, hugs, you're not an idiot. I'm not much help but don't beat yourself up about this - she's done it already.

You were not an idiot whatsoever.

I do think it is worth thinking about this though -

I work with people who need to escape abuse. One thing we see time and time again is that the abusers never admits what they have done. They minimise it (it was the comma, in your case!), they deny they ever did anything in the first place, and then they try to twist it round and blame other people.

Does your sister do these things?

If yes - think about that. That is her choice, her modus operandi, and what she thinks is the way to live.

I would advise you not to try and change her, but to accept her and work around it.

What I mean by that last bit is - avoid. She hasn't changed, she shows no inclination to change - if you go back, you'll get more of what she is like. To safeguard yourself, avoid her.

XX You are not alone. We all go round the wheel trying to make people change and be better, but sadly we have to accept that she may not change unless she wants to, and if she doesn't want to then she won't.

I would not have challenged her to pay the money back. Safeguard your Mum if poss but then let her get on with it. What she does to other people is their problem....not yours to wade in and solve, ending up with a bash to the senses x

I would keep on going to those Al-anon meetings and stop all contact with your sister as of now. You will keep on being hurt otherwise and she has hurt you more than enough. Alcoholics will do and say anything, they are truly selfish and only think of their own selves.

You can only protect your own self.

I would also suggest you read Co-dependent No More written by Melodie Beattie as there are often elements of co-dependency within such relationships and such a state is unhealthy.

You cannot help your sister, trying to rescue and or save her from her own self is doomed to failure each and every time. Unless she is both willing and deadly serious about wanting to address her alcoholism and the root causes thereof, you are flogging a dead horse. She will not recover at all so long as you or anyone else within her family are at all around to enable her. You have to cut that particular rope, enabling only gives you a false sense of control and helps no-one. All this person is doing at the moment as well is dragging you down with her.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to keep remembering:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

All this girl cares about is drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

Have you considered contacting the police regarding the theft of your mums money?

Thank you all for answering. Something yes I would classify her behaviour as abuse, and if it was a partner or friend who was behaving like that to me, I would have walked away a long time ago. As nearly everyone has from my sister. Attila and Something what do you think the circumstances are under which I should consider a relationship with her? I agree that at the moment I am feeding into her problems but like Twitter says I find it hard to walk away from her because she's my little sister. If the rehab was successful, and if she stops blaming everyone else?

Bogeyface that's a whole other thread, we did involve social services at the time but my mum wouldn't give them any details, she didn't want to get my sister into trouble and as she has capacity basically she can choose to get ripped off. Maybe Something is right and I should accept that that money isn't going to come back, the reason I raised it a few months ago was that my sister had sold one of her properties so did have the ability to repay then.

I would be inclined to go to the police yourself, it may be that if they feel your sister is bullying or pressuring her then they would class that as domestic abuse and prosecute without your mums support.

If you give them all the details that you know, then that may be enough.

She is financially independent if she has propery to sell, so is not going to be reaching rock bottom any time soon, and sadly that is what often has to happen in order for an addict to deal with their problems. Perhaps being forced to make reparation for what she did to your mum will give her that push instead?

Hiya,

I think you should consider having a relationship with her as she is and not look for her to change. This means, how can you get on with her as she is? You probably can't. I'd therefore advise minimal contact, not in your home, and always be prepared to name the elephant in the living room as it is occurring and then exit the conversation or meeting.

It is hard when this is a family member. You want to love and get on with her. But it may be that you can't get on with her. It may be that when you show her healthy boundaries, she will change. Things will automatically change because you have changed. Even if she behaves the same, a change may be that it affects you less because you make sure of that.

Re the money, your mother was not done out of it, she have it, am I right? And now your sister is refusing to give it back even tho she had the means. So she openly chose to take money and not return it. That is what is staring you in the face. Maybe don't try and change it, maybe let it be? Maybe try and advise your mother not to let herself be taken advantage of again, knowing that she may choose to allow it to happen again. You can't control either one of them in this regard, it is their own dealing together....

I think this whole post could be summed up by the words 'let it be'.

Thank you Something, that actually makes a lot of sense to me. I have to some extent been doing what you describe as naming the elephant, hence the accusations of bullying - and hence also my annoyance with myself today for not doing it.

You are right about the money, my sister took it to buy a second property which she has now sold, she says the bank 'swallowed' it. Yes my mum is colluding in her own exploitation,and maybe it's her choice to do that. I would find it hard to stop raising it with my sister though as that woukd feel like agreeing it's ok.