DH and cross dressing and sexuality

[veryconfused2]

I posted a couple of months ago about my DH who I had discovered posting on a number of gay and cross dresser porn sites.

Having done a lot of digging, I have discovered he liked to dress up in my knickers and sometimes full clothes but never make up or fully cross dress. The fantasy was mainly about knickers and him wanking in them. What he has basically done is to go on porn sites and have cyber sex conversations with gay/transexual/cross dressers and to "perform" his business on public webcams. This was not about him dressing in my clothes it was very much sexually motivated.

I have to say that he has done right through our relationship and before but I only just found out in December when I found one of his secret email accounts. He even did it right up until we got married. I do not have any evidence that he has met anyone, it is cyber sex.

After a lot of discussion, he has admitted that he probably is bisexual as the content of the porn and what he has posted is undeniably gay sex albeit mainly with cross dressers. He says he fancies men only when cross dressed and women when he is a man. The counsellor we are seeing told him it is impossible to switch sexuality like that

Re our relationship the sex has been infrequent and he has had intermittent erectile issues. He blames this on over use of porn but I also question how much of it is sexuality related.

So basically I am very confused as to who/what he is. I have read that cross dressers are mostly heterosexual in which case I don't think my DH fits that as he has sexually engaged with other men extensively.

My head is such a mess, I live him as a friend but really not sure about a relationship with him.

"I live him as a friend but really not sure about a relationship with him."

This is the only part that matters really. The rest is a rather elaborate but essentially red herring. If any aspect of a partner's behaviour or personality, has been kept secret and, once discovered, it damages your trust & makes you feel uncomfortable about continuing the relationship then the details are almost immaterial. Who and what he is are really his dilemmas to wrestle with. All you have to work out is... is he what you want?

That's the bit I struggle with- I want him as a best friend but sexually I do not know and I worry that I may always winder what I am missing.

The biggest complicating factor is DS who has SEN. I need evening childcare for him which is proving extremely difficult to arrange. So it's a difficult balance between overall life being easier which it is with DH vs the deeper connection with a close relationship which I am not sure about

Sexually, you seem to want different things. If you split up but remained together as friends - under the same roof for DS, I don't know? - how would you feel if/when he decides to explore his sexuality off-line? How would he feel if you stopped wondering what you've been missing & did the same?

Whatever you decide to do next will depend on you both being honest with each other about what you actually want. He's spent a long, long time pretending to be something he isn't so he has lost all credibility. If you want a loving, normal, fully heterosexual relationship with an honest fully heterosexual man... say so. The SEN issue is important but so is your wellbeing and self-respect.